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Jonathan Wolfman

Jonathan Wolfman
Location
Maryland, Northwest of The District,
Birthday
January 26
Bio
Visit, too, please: www.talkingwriting.com www.reortergary.com (pal talk news network) www.thejewishreporter.com

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NOVEMBER 15, 2012 6:54AM

GOOD NEWS! I Passed My Dementia-Test! ...wait... ... ...

Rate: 8 Flag

 


 
     Doc says it happens to many early retirees who are alone with Doo Wop, MSNBC, Perry Mason re-runs, and a cat.
 
     You know, no idea where your keys and specs are for weeks on end, you bumble into the kitchen at 1 p.m. only to be cheerily-eerily surprised at the now-cold pot of Morning Joe you brewed at 6 a.m.
 
     You know, writing and no words come, none; you're using Babylon to find great synonyms and turns of phrase only to close the site and instantly haven't a clue what you were looking for, what you found, or why you looked.
 
     You know, get a call from a guy with whom you're regularly in touch, a guy who was your former student and great friend for thirty years only to have No Goddamned Idea Whose Voice This Is.
 
     You know, she asks, "You really liked the chicken hot-pot from Fu-Shing this evening?" And you say, "Fu-Shing?"
 
     You know, your well meaning son asks you for your card and 'X dollars' to help fix his Suzuki and you say "Yeah, sure; here!" to what turns out to have been a sincere request for 'X-ponential' dollars and you only recall something akin to the conversation when the bank statement arrives.
 
     You know, like that.
 
     So I called my doctor and arranged for her to give me a Thirty-Question Dementia Test. If I got fewer than 25 or maybe 24 or possibly 23 right, I'd be swaddled and bundled off to The Neurologist. And then carted off to Happy Acres.
 
     I showed up on time; hopeful. But I always show on time, even well before on time. It drives T and G crazy. This time I was alone so it drove no one crazy except woman in Waiting avidly watching Steve Harvey when I said, "Guy's a moron-clown." She gritted her teeth at me.
 
     Dr. P. called for me quickly and asked if I were ready. "To what? Get scientific confirmation that what my son has said for years is true?"
 
     "What country do you live in?'
     "What state do you live in?"
     "What year is it?"
     "What is today's date?" [I knew only because I read the 'Times' at 6 a.m.]
 
     "Mr. W., they get a little tougher now." [I grasp my spectacles and nearly twist off an ear-piece.]
 
     "Spell the word WORLD backwards."
     "DLROW!"
     "Very good!" [I am now flown back to Miss Jane's Kindergarden.]
 
     "Now, If I give you 100 light bulbs, take three away and then take away twenty more, how many do you have?"
     "Seventy-seven."   ["Excellent.]
 
     "Repeat these numbers in reverse order: 8317." [I do.]
 
     She reads me a three-sentence story about Jack and Jill. Jill is a Chicago stock trader; Jack, her husband, appears to have no work, a Ward Cleaver acolyte. They have three grown children, two daughters and a son who simply exist. I am asked what state they live in. I elicit a smile when I say "Illinois". I am asked about other aspects of this compelling novella.
 
     Finally, I get something wrong. Thank God. She'd asked me earlier to repeat back PEN, TIE, HOUSE, CAR, and something else. I have no idea the Something Else.
 
     She shows me a triangle, a circle and a rectangle and asks me to mark the triangle with an "X". I think of the "X-ponential" I'd donated to the local motor cycle repair shop. She asks me which figure is the biggest. I ask, "In terms of interior area?" She looks at me as if she's dealing with an idiot. I say, "The rectangle." She smiles.
 
     She says, "In one minute name all the kinds of animals you can. Go!" I recall saying "Marmalute! No...Malamute!" I say close to forty in sixty-seconds. She says average is 23 or 25. The Dominoes ain't got nothin' on me. "I'm Your Sixty-Minute Man. Second. Sixty-Second Man. Whatevah."
 
     She says I got 29 of 30 overall. She says the average is far less. I say, sure, but it's a somewhat self-selected group of Dement-oids.
 
     She says, "Well, no need to see The Neurologist. Lotsa people who retire early and work alone all day writing and reading...watching politics and listening to music as you do...MULTI-TASKING...experience this..."
 
     "...dumbassedness."
 
     "I wouldn't say it quite that way."
 
     "Okay. What would you say?"
 
     She sticks out her hand. "Great to see you, Mr. W. Let's do a follow-up in three weeks!"
 

 

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Type your comment below:
A follow up?In two weeks?Who of you needs to be tested?
Thanks,Jon,this was a fun read.
When you do get Dementia,you'll fool anynoe around you.
~r~
Heidi just ask my son. He's sure I've been demented since he was 13.
Yay, aced the dementia test.

I'm a little worried, however - can't locate my driving and computer glasses and for a while had lost my (main) car keys.
A relief JW but anyone reading this must get the ominous impression that the day will come when we flunk the test. And why the follow-up since you did so well?
I didn't know You cussed so much on Open Salon.
I have Trouble multitasking and Juggling Kittens.
Damn Dementia has We Readers gulping Juices.
Prune Juice causes Burps and We Forget Name.

I am Too Old To Know Why I Visit Blog Here.
I am Too Young To Not Desire Visit To Whore.
Bumping into a Whore is to Dance With Kitty.

We Visit Salon.Con Cat House for Circumstance.
We Be Content To Complain Kerry No Love Us.
Maybe Kerry L. has Dementia and We Go Prey.

I am beginning to believe Cop Got Kerry? Lice.
He Got Fleas? He dresses Flea Up with Big Hat.
Jake Tinks Kerry Need Cat Visit To Cuddle Up?
`
Maybe Salon's CEO can Intervene To Tell Tails.
We Readers Feel a Frenzy and a Wee-Bit Dizzy.
We Need a Comfortable Dementia Guest House.
`
Free Cat Food.
Ear Spam Cans.
No Cook Goats.
`
Malum
Bonum
Deus
`
Have Mercy!
I Wait For What?
I can't Remember.
Why We Even Here?
WE Must Be Nuts!
Myriad you'll find them. I promise.
Myriad you'll find them. I promise.

Art Thanks!

Abra she may not think I enjoyed the Jack/Jill tale quite enough.
Of all the possible old OS geezers who might have dementia,
and there are a good number of them,
and I know they will be over here to visit you, Jon,
(if they haven't already..heh, tease, Art)
you,
sir,
would be last on my list of suspects.
Your brain is full of justice and complex legal and moral arguments,
and simply has no patience for the small stuff,
is my guess.
Senior Moments! Got to love them as we muddle through our days. My mom at 94 is sharp as a tack and I wish she were fuzzy so it would all be a little easier. She doesn't miss a thing but she did forget where she put the key to the shed and we had to pay $95 to get the locksmith out. Little things. It is when you don't know what a key is or forget who and where YOU are that you have a problem. Go visit a dementia adult care facility. You will get the idea. Great read. Thanks.
James you are far too kind, pal. :)

Zanelle Thank you. Gd bless you both!
Ah, thanks for this, us dementeds have to stick together. Even the demented wanna bees, and not wanna bees, etc.!
Thanks for the test. I'm feeling sharp now, although that "Illinois" one stumped me.
Congrats... but we know that BS'ing the Medicos doesn't mean it ain't happening... every time I do my self testing by watching Jeopardy, I can track my slow decline... I'm off about 15% from my peak years and there's new pop culture stuff that I just take a pass on... not interested in knowing those factoids... is that dementia or common sense? R&R ;-D
jmac i am tempered in my anxiety by the fact that Della Street still loves me
jls i don't trust states whose final Ss i am not supposed to pronounce
That seems to be typical of that age group.Kids at that age consider everyone to be dement other than their own age or younger ones.
Jonathan, RUN MY FRIEND!!! They're coming to take you away!! Teehee!! :D
Tink for all I know it may have already happened.
ha nah i aint kind compared to arthur james. he is gonna
be my thesis! in some wild wonderful graduate program
in the ethereal noosphere...


"Have Mercy!
I Wait For What?
I can't Remember.
Why We Even Here?
WE Must Be Nuts!"

mercy sinks upon those who acknowledge
their own insanity, art. and embrace it
as a crutch for
work to be
done
in the world of the mind,
a much maligned and neglected place.
ha nah i aint kind compared to arthur james. he is gonna
be my thesis! in some wild wonderful graduate program
in the ethereal noosphere...


"Have Mercy!
I Wait For What?
I can't Remember.
Why We Even Here?
WE Must Be Nuts!"

mercy sinks upon those who acknowledge
their own insanity, art. and embrace it
as a crutch for
work to be
done
in the world of the mind,
a much maligned and neglected place.
ha nah i aint kind compared to arthur james. he is gonna
be my thesis! in some wild wonderful graduate program
in the ethereal noosphere...


"Have Mercy!
I Wait For What?
I can't Remember.
Why We Even Here?
WE Must Be Nuts!"

mercy sinks upon those who acknowledge
their own insanity, art. and embrace it
as a crutch for
work to be
done
in the world of the mind,
a much maligned and neglected place.
Don't worry Jon, it's temporary. It comes from trying to navigate Open Salon! I hear Help is on the way! R