Je Ne Sais Quoi

Paris Transplant

Paris Transplant
Location
Paris, france
Bio
Discovering the truth about Parisians... one humiliating story at a time. This blog is a caricature and I am the self-appointed queen of exaggerationland. The highly sensitive, sarcastically-challenged, emotionally-constipated and humorless should jump ship immediately.

MY RECENT POSTS

MY RECENT COMMENTS

Paris Transplant's Links

MY LINKS
APRIL 12, 2010 8:16AM

Dear Fellow Waiters...

*** Warning: Impressively harmless situation invokes massive freak out below. Read AYOR. ***

Dear fellow waiters,

Why can't you learn how to form a GOD DAMN LINE???

I know you know what I'm talking about, so wipe that confused/annoyed look off your faces. This is more than a problem,… Read full post »
1 Comments
APRIL 9, 2010 8:33AM

Friday Feature: Paris & I are having a mo'.

I don't care how much of a social butterfly you may be, everyone needs alone time. In Paris, there are endless blogs about where to go and what to do... and this is no exception. Well.. almost. In stead of proposing where to go to have drinks, or dinner, or pre-dinner… Read full post »
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APRIL 8, 2010 6:01PM

Point that bony digit somewhere else you emaciated floozy.

Sheeee's Baaaaack.

Consequently, so am I. I knew it was only a matter of time before she opened her pretentious drivel-prone claptrap about the rumors of her alleged infidelity.

What is Mme. Sarkozy babbling about now? Same ole, same ole...she's become the French Bill Clinton. But it… Read full post »
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APRIL 6, 2010 4:43PM

Confirmed: The French are MUCH HAPPIER than you.

A wise man once said: "People who say they're happy make my ass twitch." (Two points if you can tell me who.)

Well, if you're not twitching yet, be prepared for your glutes to spaz until they can't spaz no more.

According to the daily paper 20 Minutes,… Read full post »
1 Comments
APRIL 1, 2010 2:41PM

Ridunculous Nonsensical: Happy April Fish & Totally Made Up Scientific BS Day!

No, it's not a typo. They say "April Fish Day" here. Yeah, I know, (*eye rolls*), try and figure that one out. Instead of pranking people in imaginative ways, like covering their car with tampons painted in red nail polish, and then dousing said vehicle with actual douche (my high school… Read full post »
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APRIL 1, 2010 7:45AM

Dear Louisville Stranger...

Google Analytics is my friend. Oh, yes, I spy on you fellow readers.  I want to know where you are from, if you've already visited, how many times, what you read, what time you read it, if you like peanut butter, your favorite color, if you clean up your dog's logs… Read full post »
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MARCH 31, 2010 1:54AM

Carla Carla Carla part III

I must really be the very LAST person on the planet to not give a shit about Carla. My eyes are rolling so far back inside my head that I can in fact see my brain, losing heap upon heap of cells, with every bit of superfluous, pointless information I hear/… Read full post »
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MARCH 30, 2010 1:53PM

Night Run to Belgium

One of my favorite things about living here is that I can wake up one Friday morning, like last week, and say to myself, "I'm going to Belgium in 24hours", just because. In Wisconsin that phrase would substitute another country with some mundane task like... mowing... or milking cows. At best,… Read full post »
2 Comments
MARCH 26, 2010 9:12AM

Friday Feature: Start doing something pointless PRONTO

March 24th 2010 was a landmark day in history. It was INTERNATIONAL PROCRASTINATION DAY!!!

"What??" you say. Oh yes indeedy. This is not a test. Yesterday, you were to stop producing dammit, and have a nice nap, or browse the interwebs, or do something else involving loafing around of… Read full post »
1 Comments
MARCH 23, 2010 6:15PM

Oh. NO. She. DI'INT!


To everyone who loves this idea: I pity you.

To everyone else who has 2 brain cells: Please find it in your hearts to forgive the rest of the moronic population who wouldn't know what music was if you invented a way to hive-mind… Read full post »
3 Comments
MARCH 23, 2010 5:10PM

Train of (stupid) Thought(lessness)

You're not going to believe this. It's happened AGAIN! Seriously!! Another train incident. Not long ago I informed you, loyal readers, about the (ppssst RACIST) announcement made to warn passengers about Romanians.

Well, folks. They're at it again. Only this time, the "internal error" involved a mass… Read full post »
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MARCH 21, 2010 11:36AM

Dating for people too hot/rich/pretentious for regular sites.

Online dating has lost its stigma. It's joined the ranks of other common-place pseudo-dating, like missed connections, personal ads, and dating services, as another way to calculate your soul mate before realizing that a profile does not determine compatibility. We are humans, not puzzle pieces. Just… Read full post »
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MARCH 19, 2010 8:46PM

Life is sweet...

So what's your poison? Cake? Muffins? Giant bowl of butter? Anyone who knows me is familiar with my pathetic weakness for cookies. A friend used to offer me a cookie, and of course, I'd refuse on the grounds that it is an EVIL food and made of pure fat and sugar… Read full post »
2 Comments
MARCH 18, 2010 8:58AM

Friday Feature! (preview) => The Gold & the Beautiful: Expats chime in on Paris being voted Best & Most Expensive Place to live

The French newspaper, Figaro, in conjunction with the "No Fucking Shit", "Figure That Out All By Yourself, Now Did You?" and "Captain Obvious" associations, has astutely declared that Paris is the most expensive place to live in the known universe.

Thanks for that amazing piece of investigative jour…

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MARCH 17, 2010 10:07AM

Happy Drunk (AKA: Saint Patty's) Day!!

I've been celebrating St. Patrick's Day since high school. It's the day one of my closest and oldest friends freed herself from her mother's oppressive body, and she now owns a multitude of useless gifts covered in shamrocks and leprechauns to mark the occasion. My mother in law also shares this/… Read full post »
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MARCH 17, 2010 4:37AM

Fun with fake genitalia! aka: And you thought Parisians were strange.

You know that saying, a picture says a thousand words? Can you please tell this one to put on a muzzel, 'cuz I just ate breakfast.

Thank you Huffington Post, for yet again reminding me that other cultures have WEIRD traditions, and that France is not the worst of them.
… Read full post »
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MARCH 15, 2010 3:52AM

CARLA, CARLA, CARLA!!!

She's fucking at it a-gain. No sooner did I post about how she destroyed my nap last weekend, but now she's in the press for an alleged cheating scandal. (PS the discovery was made following ANOTHER earthquake, this time in China. Is their love-life some kind of diversionary tactic to keep/… Read full post »
1 Comments
MARCH 14, 2010 6:43PM

Fashion (victim) Week - Paris 2010

It's that time of year again. The season that makes my tiny, style-free head A-SPLOAD.
It's Fashion Week!! Let the priceless auctioning of skinny girl's dignity, BEGIN!

I've explained previously that I am from Wisconsin. I'm positive there are many people from my state with a natural sense of grace./… Read full post »
1 Comments
MARCH 6, 2010 8:22AM

The fucking BALLS.

What is your gramma up to tonight? Letting the dog out? Ironing boxers? Reading the bible, or some other end-times novel of choice? On a crazy night, maybe she'll wait until her husband is snoring like a chainsaw at 5:45pm after a lovely meatloaf, and, GHASP, sneak a little Wheel of/… Read full post »
4 Comments
MARCH 5, 2010 2:33AM

Jim Carrey: Scaring the French more than EVER.

We Americans have a bizarre sense of humor. In no other country have I ever seen so much laughter produced from a single asshole.

We delight in Jim's theatrics and are accustomed to his juvenile pranks. The fact that he is so wildly popular is a testament to the freedom/… Read full post »
3 Comments
MARCH 4, 2010 7:19AM

Just HIT IT, DAMMIT!!!

Can someone please explain to me why the French don't know how to high five?

What is so hard about this concept? Someone sticks their hand up in the air, and you hit it. Not rocket science.

How could this tradition, taught to every American child by the age of two, have passed… Read full post »
4 Comments
MARCH 3, 2010 5:48PM

Dear Passengers, please report all Romanians to the police.

Romania you say? Never been. Nothing against. Oh, except they are ALL a bunch of SCHEMING, CONNIVING THIEVES!!!

According to the French state railroad, that is.

The French rail staffers want you to know that Romanians are a threat to be reconed with. They may in fact be stealing from you… Read full post »
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MARCH 2, 2010 4:33PM

Carla Bruni Fucked Up My Nap.

Carla's lil'man.I'm in hiding this afternoon. Last night was my second annual VAGTAIL, cocktail sans Hommes. The twenty-ten addition overflowed with apple-lime-tini drinks complete with flashing ice cubes, and franco-anglo-relations in all their galoriousness. Meaning, I migrated from the french circle to th… Read full post »

6 Comments
FEBRUARY 25, 2010 7:20PM

Dear London Taxi Drivers,

I love your country. It's full of beauty, and charm, and everyone has been so lovely. I'm enchanted by your compatriot's accents and feel like saying "Jolly Good Man!!" and "Cheers!", and hanging out on the queen's doorstep making faces at guards who hate me for my unoriginality.

2 Comments
FEBRUARY 14, 2010 8:55AM

Paris Valentines and Our Exploding Heads. (aka: L'Amour in the Poutiest City in the WORLD)

I remember last year's Valentine's experience in Paris and if history is any indicator, I'm in for a treat. Last time went to a lovely restaurant near the Champs, the evening promised to be memorable as we clinked champagne flutes. It was unforgettable, just not in the way I expected.

… Read full post »
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