Sometimes you are the giver and sometimes you are the taker, I tell my daughter on the phone. But you can never be just one, because the relationship will die. We are talking about friendships, she and I. At twenty, she is figuring out friendships just as I am, even though I am more than twice her age. She is also figuring out relationships and I tell her the advice works for those too.
The best advice I ever got about friendship was ironically, from a woman who had no close friends. My mother's heart had closed from chronic disappointment. She preferred not to take the risk.
Leave room, was her wise advice. Leave room to be surprised and leave room to be disappointed by people. Because they will do both. Throughout my life, I have taken her words to heart. At times I am so enamored of someone, I don't see their faults or shortcomings until I get hurt. Then I remember to leave room.
Then there are the ones I expect nothing from. And one day, something comes in the mail, or something is said in a phone conversation. I am pleasantly surprised, and again I leave room.
People will both surprise you and disappoint you, so leave room, I hear myself tell my daughter. I am telling her how it is. But I am also reminding myself.
I wondered why my mother only took half of her own advice. Once anyone disappointed her, they never got a second chance. I've been tempted to do the same. Especially when I was young. Now I try to salvage where I can. Forgive when I can.
It has a Buddhist feel to it, this advice of hers. Don't become so attached to who you think the person is, or what he will do. Just leave room to let them be who they are.
Sometimes you don't get back what you give, and sometimes you are the one who has nothing to give.
I tell my daughter, leave room.
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but only if our moms were not right!
Mine too: heart closed off.
"... from chronic disappointment.
She preferred not to take the risk..."
There ARE gonna be people who , with diligent patience,
alot of forgiveness, and above all a sense of the absurdity of
life,
can be cultivated like flowers.
So few and far between.
D
Lezlie
R
And you have had a wise mother.I can see three generations of women,handing the wisdom down to the next generations.
I will remember this because it is a special kind of wisdom I have never heard.In a way,I can even understand your mother.
But,as you say:It is also good to give people a second chance.
We all learn from our faults,don't we?
Thank you for this lovely piece of wisdom.
Love is being handed down in families,too.
I like the thought about the Buddhism.
Rated!
"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do."
I always liked this way of looking at things. Not so much disappointment then.
@desert_rat, your comment struck a chord in me. I don't find this easy to do either. I'm still trying to figure out friendships at my age, in spite of what I can tell my daughter. What motivates me is the fear of becoming like my mother: perpetually disappointed, bitter, and alone...
That's a model of what I never want to become. I appreciate your honesty and understand where you are coming from.
Soemone I knew once was fond of pointing out that in one's life you were connected to two types of people; friends and acquaintnances. Ever since I've often tried to apply this in an attempt to sort out which is which among gthe people I know. It might just be me, but I find far more people listed under the latter than the former.
For me I think it works to set the bar pretty high to qualify someone as a friend because this type of relationship requires different levels of commitment and should embrace the concept of reciprocation. You can still draw immense pleasure from acquaintenances in life touched with all sorts of human emotion, we must just keep in mind that to your point, the bar is set lower to properly adjust for the surprises and pains that will nearly always accompany these relationships where in the end it is you that must absorb some or all of any negative impact.
I'd never really thought about it like that, so in my mind, I will think of those words handed down from your mother. Navigating the realm of friendship requires flexibility, and at times, rethinking old opinions. I've changed so much myself, I now "leave room" to consider how others change too. Geez, this already fits. Thanks, Joanie.
: D
(We all must take a break from time to time, need to recharge our batteries!)
@Snippy, your comment puts a lump in my throat as I am trying to drink my morning coffee. God, I love the word "redemption." xo
@Abrawang, I used to think it was about lowering expectations, but I think it is actually striving for the place where there are no expectations. Just acknowledging that people will disappoint and delight so make room for both. Don't idolize them, don't demonize them, is how it's coming to me this morning... :)
A lovely post, Joan.
Good morning too, Joan. : )
~r~
Thanks, Joan.
r
Your daughter is lucky to hear it from someone who loves her so much.