First?

First ! Appreciate the unbiased reporting. Tough for the parent, easy for the kids.

They do keep getting cuter, no doubt. As for the good-byes - reading this gives me so much to look forward to as our son just entered his sophmore year of high school. "Sunrise, Sunset," as the Fiddler says.

I just registered my kid for high school and I'm verklempt. I don't want to even think about college.

the cute-off? it's a tie.

and no, it gets not a wit easier even after they turn 30.

Many years after I graduated, my mother admitted to me that when she drove me to my first year orientation at college, I made friends and plans so quickly, I adapted so immediately, that she felt left out and cried the whole way home. I never realized, never noticed at the time. And I still feel guilty about that, 45 years later, and if you want, I'll feel guilty on Nora's behalf.

Yes, Ardee, would you please feel guilty for Nora? I don't want her to feel guilty, but it did kind of kill me this summer when she would talk to her college friends about going "home" to Fordham and the Bronx. And I took three of them to dinner last night - I love them! - and they just formed a hug-cluster and ignored me at first.

But of course I wouldn't have it any other way.

My oldest is starting his senior high school year and the little one is starting middle school (and will be taller than me any day now.)

Lately I've been spending lots of time looking at all the baby pictures. Why does it go so fast?

Oh, I so relate. We are different people now that our children separate and individuate (as they are meant to do - hard as it is for me to assimilate). . . What now??? Who am I now? What a huge loss and void. Yes, I know there's opportunity too, but dang, it hurts and I think it's important to feel the full scope of the grief! (Not to wallow, but to grieve. . .) Sending hugs . . . Thank you for sharing this!

Beautiful. (Writing, and pics.)

Aw, Joan, you big softie. My youngest just left for her first year at college. I prefer to think of it not as losing a daughter but as gaining 300 square feet.

And I might, if pressed, admit to missing her, but never in my blog, where she might see it.

I told my daughters that if they could get into an Ivy League school, I'd bite the financial bullet, send them East and try not to miss them too much (we live in Santa Monica.) For better or worse, neither of them made the Ivy cut, so both of them ended up nearby -- one at UCI, the other at UCSB. Lucky me! I was able to keep them nearby for another 4 years!

Now they've graduated and one of them lives in Mexico, while the other wants to do volunteer work in Kenya. I'll be lucky if I see them once a year. So I feel your pain.

Rated.

Ohhhhh one of the BIG reasons on my list of 430 reasons not to have children. You've stated it so eloquently.

Now Ms. Walsh, the challenge is - find your own life and all the joy and glory that brings. You're off to a darn good start I'd say!

they ARE cute :) fresh and lovely as first morning light I think

Joan, sending you a cosmic hug. I used to sleep in my daughter's bed the first few nights.

The pup is gorgeous.

smile

Another year for my HS senior, and already we mark events as the "last" time we'll to this or that. Her last gymnastics season, her last homecoming and so on. Oddly, she now spends more time with the dogs than ever before. I think she'll miss them more than me.

Remember how much fun I had in college, I didn't feel sad leaving our kids there. Jealous? Probably.

Nice story. My daughter turns thirty five today. I don't think it gets any easier when they are grown and on their own testing the waters of life.
thanks
Rated

We drove our third of three to his university this past weekend and it was bitter sweet for all concerned. He finally said "Ok I'm ready for you to go now" as we were hanging around in his dorm room after getting him moved all in.

Here's for reestablishing the relationship with the puppy, and I wish you much happiness always--Nora too.

That is a great Cute-off and congratulations for getting through the move and the goodbyes.

"Oh, mom, you know you are my number one love. No one and nothing will ever replace you and I will always keep in touch, so much that you will get tired of me!"

On behalf of Nora.

Aww....that was sweet of you Ardee - am sure that would comfort her hugely

Don't be advertising pictures of Nora like this, Joan. You know we have dibs.

sometimes it all seems worth it. my god daughter starts her "sophomore" year at Ohio State this year. i reminded her the literal translation of the word from the Greek is "wise fool." she looked at me like i was the wise fool.

It is a long series of good byes, I remember taking my daughter to Chucky Cheese for a birthday party and she was about to be too old for it all. She had loved the place when she was small and I had loved taking her. But I realised that day that I would not be back for a long, long time.

No more playgrounds, no more bicycles or school fairs. The life of a parent is a series of good byes

but on the bright side, seeing your daughter off to college is lots more fun than seeing her move into the Mission District with a heroin addict. : ) Congratulations on gently nudging the baby bird out of the nest! She looks like she's got that flying thing down pretty good.

Just remember (every dadgum day) that Thanksgiving is only 3 months away. That's what I do.... Put kid- seperation-anxiety in increments! It helps!

Steps for getting over parent-child separation:

1) Take off all your clothes and run around the house nekkid.
2) Have sex in any room of the house.
3) All objects, pictures, etc. that pleasantly remind you of her, keep in public places throughout the home; all objects, etc., that annoy you about her, relegate to her room.
4) All contact is just a phone call away. If you text, you're in like flint.

what Luluand phoebe said.

My son is 16 and I soooo dread the day! Loved this post though Joan :)
and it makes me feel better about NEVER getting editors picks when I see that even JOAN WALSH has been overlooked!

They are both incredibly cute -- well, actually one is cute and the other is lovely young woman.

Don't despair - if trends are any indication, she'll be moving back in with you in about 3 years.

She looks like you. Nora, that is. :)
It does get easier, kinda. And what a nice excuse to visit NYC!

i do not look forward to my empty nest. in spite of the daily frustrations and occasional blow-ups.

i want to say i am sorry, but surely that is not the right response.

geez, if a working, writing, travelling, tv-appearancing editor like yourself finds herself at loose ends, what hope do the rest of us have?

i thought i would be the first mom arrested for stalking her own child after he goes to college.

you can be first instead, if you want.

I can relate Joan, my only daughter starts her freshman year in 2 weeks and already my heart is breaking a little. I think the sheer distance involved can also be a big factor. I'm in Annapolis and she will be in Palo Alto, so like you, an entire nation away!

2nd year of college!! Best time!! First year, you're like, woooo, second year, you're like, there and stuff!!

:)

My mother said my sophomore year good-bye was the hardest, because that was the year it hit her I wasn't coming back, at least not in any recognizable pre-college, live-at-home form. But the ensuing (gasp) 10 years have brought us a new level of grown-up closeness and, as you say, a chance to thrive. Good luck to you both!

Sadie will surely bond more with you now that Nora is back to school, but you know, like most mothers do, that nothing fills the vacant spot once filled by a daughter. I've said goodbye to 3 and it never gets easier. The complete lack of energy in my youngest daughter's bedroom (she is now 20 and a 4th year), is more than I can bear at times and I keep her door closed. It is such a mixed blessing when our last or only children leave the nest, whether to go away to college or start a life of there own afterwards, even if they come back temporarily, it's never the same.

So now that I've completely cheered you up, you'd better go pick up Sadie and hold her in your arms, smother her with kisses and make it all better!!

Or let's get together sometime, drink some fine wine and commiserate over missing our girls! That usually works for a while!

I'm TRYING to say goodbye to 3...but they keep coming back. I'm thinking of getting one of those "In-Out" boards so I can keep track of who's living with me this week! Seriously though (and I am) cute, cute, cute! & have fun with Sadie

Adorable, yet sad for you. Sounds like Sadie is in the same boat as you. It's hard, but you have to let her grow. I know you know that. I'm shutting up now.

You are all so great. Really, you'll never have any idea how much I love reading these messages.

I know I/we'll be fine. janesmithie, you'll be fine too, but I just want to say: Public satisfaction just can't substitute for private comfort and love. I have an amazing life and I'm going to be all right, but I'm just like anyone...

I do have to thank Ardee for her work channeling Nora. And JustCathy and Stellaa and everyone in the Bay Area, yes, I have somewhat more time -- as long as you'll come to my house, or let me bring Sadie to yours (and you two I know will welcome her.)

Really, thanks everyone!

Oh Joan, we commiserated last year but it's true, you were so distracted (in a good way) that you didn't feel as much pain. Maybe if you read this now and see how universal it is, for each of us in her own way, you'll know you're not alone. Empty Nest.

Last weekend we told Mike for the first time what I went through when he left. He gave me *that look* and said, "I am SO glad I never knew that during college. But I love you too, Mom."

Every year is easier. And harder too.

I was an only child also, but one that did not adapt so well to college. I was fiercely close to my mother, and even moving 3 hours away from home was painful. I think it was 2 years before I graduated from being morosely homesick to just homesick.

So, be happy that you have a well adjusted daughter. It speaks volumes about the way you have raised her and the relationship you have with her.

denese

Oh Joan, I am going through the same thing having sent off my college junior and my freshman. Both of them have personalities that can fill up a room easily so coming home to an empty house in the evening (well, I do have two dogs and two cats, who like your pup are missing their girls) is somewhat depressing. The only thing that I know about all of this is that the universe likes to be in balance. So normally in my life I have noticed that when something is lost or changes, something else turns up. I just have to be open to it. Wonder what it will be this time?

Letting go isn't for sissies. Being away from them is hard. It's hard to remember that they're just passing through our lives on the way to their lives.

My own daughter is starting her sophomore year of high school. Thanks for giving me a glimpse of my future--it sounds like it will be bittersweet. I'm sure I'll be a big mess when she goes off to school (freshman year and every year after that). What kind of dog is that--it's so darn cute!

Beautiful pictures of Nora and Sadie. I always hated those partings, whether it was freshman year or junior year...especially when they go to school so far away...that last hug before you see them again, that walk away part...I hate that part. And yes, we not only survive, we do thrive...which is one of the best gifts we can give to our daughters and sons. Thanks for sharing this.

From the "kid's first night at college perspective:" I recall my first night in the dorm. Sharing a room with some stranger and the odd amalgamation of Clorox and freshly-laundered clothes dancing around my olfactories (I'd come to miss that freshness), I stared at the ceiling from my extra-long twin. Thankfully, my roommate was out boozing, which gave me the opportunity to call my mom. As much as kids don't admit it, there's no replacement for being home. (I think it's the free laundry and home-cooked meals.)

I hope after Nora finishes school that She decides to get a GED. You may have to reeducate?
Teach the puppy to pee.
Yes. House train puppy.
No pee on a dance floor.
I name the kitchen floor?

It is called a happy floor.

It's the Dance Hall floor.
Yummy.
That's where Ya do cook.
If a pup pee Ya may slips.
You reminded me of this.
huh?
When my daughter was a newborn, and She was in baby diapers ... I thought:` I'll buy a cute mutt! The mutt was not potty trained. Then, we had this cute baby daughter who was pooping in her soft hand-washed, cotton diapers. I had to wash, and and then hang the clean cotton diapers out to dry on the backyard hemp rope in the fresh air and bright Sunshine ... Well?
I still think the Idea was Great!
Buy a puppy for a one day old!
But,
Mamma no think puppy stink?
puppy poop anywhere it wants.
Ma said our daughter was good.

But, guess who had to clean pee?
I had to mop-up the pee puddles with soap that was making the kitchen floor slippery. I washed dirty diapers (which was fine with me. I simply imagined my daughter as a cute little buddha-baby-girl-infant who need expensive Pampers. We could not afford them.)

My daughter, Christina will be married this September. This Place is getting very hectic. It's an outdoor wedding. I am gonna be busy setting up the bar. Honey wine mead never hurts you. I will make sure the Guest at the wedding sit on hay bales pews with Black Widow Spiders nesting?
tease. (black spiders nest)
Spiders crawl out to see?
It happened at son-wed.
Gold straw bale for seat.
I may lie at the pre-pronouncements when the minister ask:`
Does anyone Objects to these two getting married outside?
No!
My daughter wets the bed! She snores. She gets hick-cups.
My daughter deserves better? The in-laws are all outlaws.
My daughter daydreams and She hates men ogling beauty.
Maybe it will pour polecats, poodles, and wet goo noodles.
It's just beginning to dawn on me? I will walk her backward.
I No want a farmer-daughter to be ball-and-chained forever.

When younger... the prospective boys begged to marry her.
Maybe I'll Rain Dance on the lawn? Wed plan? ~ cancelled?
Woo.
I would be merry and never be married. Merry heart is med.

I need a job!

I must say, although I'll try not to say it bitterly - but the reality is lovely-dovey mother-daughter stories are starting to bug me. Mind you, I wouldn't mind them if media covered the reality of family court afterburners - But this seldom happens. Including when our chief judge alleges a revamping of family court (i.e. ElkinsTaskForce.org) . So I do. I blog about the reality of alienated parents because, well, largely because the fourth estate - bailed.

My latest is "A nation of Stockholm Syndrome Kids."

Oh, man, I am sooooo on the other end of this spectrum! I've had two graduate already and I just sent my youngest off to his senior year at DePaul. When he graduates, I'm taking a trip to Europe! (with all the money I'm gonna have!)

Oh Joan, that sure feels like a big hodgepodge of emotions.

Not that I know much of these things, but I'm guessing this is the perfect time to revisit some interests of yours that you may have put aside for a while (though I'm sure you're busy enough!)

But I mean, subtle, quiet interests - you know, like painting or redoing a room or getting your hair done in a totally different style or taking an exotic trip or a cooking class or robbing a bank or becoming a public nuisance at a local park....that kind of thing.

Ouch. I hardly ever get that "God I'm glad I'm not a parent" feeling, but this is one of the few times. Retiring from parenthood feels like the saddest part.

And I know you never actually retire--just semi-retirement, but still.

The puppy was the saddest part--I would NOT want a fellow mourner--but the good news is, they have a short memory, right, and will be out of mourning quickly, and all about you.

Ah, goodbyes. Life's a series of them, isn't it? Who knew?

Thanks for your thoughts on something I'll soon be doing. And the cuteness. . .

They leave. And we stay. And we just have to remember that this is the job that we signed up for-----feeding them and loving them and socializing them to the point where they CAN leave.

Happy and healthy. That's the whole point, right? (But it is friggin's hard when it happens.)

I miss my two healthy and happy young adults more than I can say, and your post resonated with me. I think that all we can do as parents is to celebrate THEIR success........and then, of course, buy the plane tickets to get their butts home for the holidays.

Not easy, Joan. Letting go and then having them come back with more independence and having to re-establish and alter the rules of their comings and goings.

Wow! ... I thought I'd just met Nora yesterday, when she was about twelve. (I was interviewing you in Salon's offices.) Though I'm delighted to know that she's relocated close by to where the Angier family compound was.

Sweet! I think Sadie and Nora are both very fortunate to have you as their "Mom".
Peace to you, Joan.

You have the cutest, most wonderful beings in your life! They are both amazing.

I thought I would be lonely when they all went to college...and them they came back. It will be hard for a while when (if???) they leave again, but I do want them to create their own families and have their own lives. It just doesn't seem right otherwise, as much as I like them. You are lucky to have Nora taking off on her own!

Oh how I remember sending my first child a daughter off to college and it wasn't that far away so this brought back memories. By the way I have just joined this blog world and wondered how you posted that heading on the top of the page. I don't know how to do that yet. Jacqueline Cathcart I have listed you as a Favorite.

I've just sent my eldest off to her freshman year of college. I've been kind of stunned at how much I miss her, especially since her last year of high school was so social for her--I rarely saw her then. Somehow, knowing that she's not in the same town, that she's not going to be spending the night or going to a movie with me is that bittersweet stuff. On the one hand, so happy that she's happy to be in college, playing varsity soccer, and making new friends. But I miss her.

My daughter left for Chapel Hill this year. This is actually her third year going to school away from home since as a senior in high school she went away to an arts school. But it's no easier now than it was then. I'm devastated by a sense of loss. I had to send the cat with her this time as everytime I saw the cat I thought of her!

I wish I could get the kids a puppy, and I wish I could help them out by sending them to college. Lucky you, lucky kids!

You mean it doesn't get any easier? I just wrote about my younger daughter's final weeks at home. We took her to school last weekend and the house is so quiet (and not in a good way) without her. Now there are two bedrooms in my house that I have to avoid! This transition is so difficult because it forces me to not only deal with both my children living other places, but also redefining myself. It's nice to hear from other parents experiencing the same. Kindest regards, Lorraine

beyond adorable!

Congratulations, I"m thinking about going back to school myself.
Good Luck

Though I don't have children, my cat Cozy let's me know when she is disappointed in my behavior -- like my going to lunch for example. I am the slave of a feline that is determined to whip this house into shape! How wonderful that Nora is going to school. Perhaps it would help to teach that mantra to Sophie.

Take your moments where you can find them. Beautiful piece (and daughter).

More about Nora and you! What is up with you both lately?

My roommate still bristles at the hero's welcome I receive every day from his yellow Lab; she stands at the front door, whines, and jumps as if she's spring-loaded. He insists he gets no such treatment from her. I'm sure Sadie will give your daughter an even more enthusiastic greeting when she comes home from school.

missing my school now
http://www.justhandbag.com/

Beautiful piece, and yes they are cute.

Put my 31 year old on a plane back to Italy a couple of weeks ago. Found myself trying to drive with tears in my eyes. It doesn't really get easier, but knowing that it's inevitable keeps us at least from broadcasting the tears.

My son is a sophomore. We live in NY and he goes to Colorado College. About a month before he was to leave, he told me he really didn't think we needed to spend the money to have me fly out there with him. :-( That I "could if I wanted" but it was ok to let him go alone. Deep sigh.. I really appreciated your post. It gets easier for them and harder for us...

We sent our daughter off to college this fall and even though I'm proud of her and her independence, I miss being an everyday parent. It's hard to adjust from being a hands-on parent to being a hands-off one. I feel like one of the newly unemployed.

Oh, as a junior in college, it isn't easier on the kids.
I certainly love my independence--but that's just it. I love the independence. I still miss seeing my dad every day, hugging our dog and cats, having someone else cook for me.
There's a home you make in the world, but there's also a home you have in your heart.
Don't worry parents!

There's something about Nora!