I think it is rather important for the fortunate to provide the less fortunate with tips on how to spend their disposable income and deal with their overflow of assets. (There’s a joke in there somewhere, but I would be loathe to digress.) So, I will provide you with a handy list of tips on where to put your money during the current financial crisis.

1.       Keep all of your current stock in the market. In fact, I would say you should buy more stock. The market is bound to get better. In fact, there are days when the phrase “all time loss” isn’t even used anymore. You should take advantage of this low point and buy as much stock as possible.

2.       Loan money to your friends and family. Obviously, there are several compelling reasons to do this. Of course it is charitable, but it could also be lucrative. Your sister’s house may not be up to your standards, but once you have a lien against it, you could move high end renters in for the tourist season at a premium. Just invest in some proper furnishings and artwork and you’ll be ready for those wealthy folks to move right in.

3.       Plastics. Always a good bet.

4.       Luxury goods. If Cindy McCain can pose for Vogue in $500 jeans, you should be able to at least own them.

      Please feel free to also “invest” in Chanel Bags, Manolo Blahnik shoes and Cartier watches. These are indeed investment pieces.

5.       Vehicles. Boats, cars, motor scooters, motorcycles, JetSkis whatever inspires that “vroom-vroom” feeling in your crotchal area, buy it. Just don't buy a Segway. Only jerks ride those.

6.       Real Estate. It may seem that this would be covered by foreclosing on the homes of your friends and family, but there are bigger vistas to conquer. With all of the homes being foreclosed upon, the least you can do is participate by playing your part. I suggest buying homes in upper middle-class neighborhoods. All the rich people losing their McMansions will need a place to stay at some point and it's pretty certain there won't be any upper middle-class people left by the end of the next quarter.

7.       Vacations. It may seem counterproductive to travel with the dollar being as weak as it is, but at a time like this, Americans should be spending their pathetic dollar garnering goodwill from the countries who will eventually need to loan us money. Stay in the finest hotels and be as high profile as possible.

8.       Cake. Yes, it’s an expendable, disposable commodity. But who doesn’t like cake?

9.       Fine wine. This is a win-win proposition. If you keep it, it will appreciate in value. If you go broke, you will be the best supplied drunk in town.

Finally, be sure to give as much money as you can to your favorite charity. We wouldn’t want people to suffer, now would we?

Of course, if you’re like most of America, you’re hoping the heater holds out until you get your tax return.

Party on, OS.
Party on.