LOTS of things offend me.
Three-tined forks…
Image: karlribas.com
Shelf-stable milk products…
Image: elizabethinchina.com
Those little tiny tires on giant wheel rims…
Calliou…
I hate that little Canadian bastard.
Sororities…
All you can eat shrimp buffets where I suspect they are actually breading and frying leftover pencil erasers…
Image: sendameal.com
Hannah Montana…
I swear I paid for that little future inmate’s second and third sweet 16 parties.
Dogs who wear clothing…
Cats who probably should wear clothing…
Okay, cats in general. They are all most certainly up to something.
Really expensive metal mesh office furniture that LOOKS comfortable, then leaves little bumps all over the back of your thighs when you stand up…
Image: eco-artwear.com
Sago palms…
Look at it! So fucking smug, those sago palms.
Furthermore, pens that run out of ink when you’re trying to write a check while leaning up against a cash register while holding 18 bags of stuff, people who wear black socks pulled up to their knees with shorts, golf, unseasonably warm December temperatures, liars, cheaters, chicks at the mall who have to wax to wear their jeans and I don’t mean their legs, school fundraisers and mean people.
Yep, there are lots of things in this world that offend the hell out of me. But you know what? I don’t have the Constitutional right to live in a state of comfy, fluffy non-offense. It’s all part of the gig, people. If I told you that you HAD to shave your unibrow because it makes my meal unappealing at a restaurant, I would be trampling on your rights.
In my mind, the same goes for blogging. If someone says something you don't like, argue, bitch, scream, yell, refuse to thumb, but don't you DARE tell someone they don't have the right to say it.
It is absolutely inconceivable to me that someone could have affection for a three-tined fork. I don't think that makes them stupid. I think that makes them human. It's not a personal attack on me, they are just deeply, deeply flawed... but human. (Sort of)
Be excellent to each other.
Party on.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Ryan Soberg
Colony of Losers
astrid.in.lala.land
franishnonspeaker
Linnnn
vanessa seijo
Salon.com
Comments
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
--Steven Wright
Bump.
Three-tined forks have gotogo,
a-HeyHey! HoHO!
I think my blood sugar is low or something.
Do NOT get me started........ Rated for raising my usually low blood pressure.
Pawed!
I'm sitting in that chair as we speak, and it's not very comfortable either.
Even a three-tined fork is better than watching someone eat with their fingers - altho I think it's preferable to eat thickly breaded shrimp with your fingers - but not fried eggs or chili - no, no, never!
cartouche - You're right. That SHucks. I especially detest those beauty pageant castoffs who CNN.com employs that sound like they have a mouth full of peanut butter. PFFT!
Ric - I'll judge your socks on a case-by-case basis.
LadyMiko - I try. ;)
Tom - Jax isn't as bad as its rap most of the time. My part of town is pretty decent. But it's dangerous and a little smelly here. And don't get me started on fake-ghost-tour ridden St. Augustine. Grr...
The Man has repeatedly threatened to sell our sagos to someone. That situation has yet to materialize.
Sandra - In the end, some people just turn out to be weenies. I agree that people should be decent to each other. My innate inability to tell people who deserve it to shut the hell up is the reason I hang with good folks like you. LOL
And sagos suck.
As to the rest, the sago bubble will burst. Overpriced and conceited, they will go the way of crappy dotcoms and Lehman Brothers.
My aunt gave me a three-pronged fork with a wooden handle, said no kitchen could be without one. Since it was a gift, I keep it in the back of a barely-used drawer. It knows what I am doing. Just now, I was making beer cheese soup and I felt it plotting against me. I may need some advice here. if I disappear, you all know what to blame, a conniving three-pronged fork.
Until this latest storm blew through, it was in the eighties every single day here in this accursed desert. This is why my tree is not up. Who can feel all Christmassy when running around in a tank top? It makes me want to hobble Tiny Tim, the singer, not the Dickens character. Tiptoe Through the Tulips came from hell itself.
Caillou is a whiny bastard and my grandson loves him. I go to great lengths to keep him off my TV, even watching Wow, Wow Wubzy reruns. Now I can't get that song out of my head but it is better than Caillou's whine.
And finally shelf cheese. My husband doesn't understand why I go to great lengths to make cheese sauce from scratch instead of using Velveeta but it's worth it. Velveeta will be left after Armageddon right along with cockroaches and fungi. Enjoy the queso dip, guys. it will be the death of you.
Okay, I have to go back to the kitchen now. Remember what I said about the fork.
Bury the rest at a crossroads.
That fork needs to die.
Be sure to post pictures.
Anyway, rated as per usual. Calliou = Abomination.
::I HEART Red::
(cool post).
Evidently something he said violated the terms of service, because the Powers That Be took it down. Now BBE has another post saying it was censorship. Also, he implies visually that perhaps Santa has a very small penis.
There is decidedly a disturbance in the OpenForce.
I love everyone. Please don't be mad at me.
Great post. Especially those mesh chairs.
WOOF
voicegal - We need signs everywhere like they have in England. KEEP RIGHT, PEOPLE! It would be a better world.
Did I mention I think everyone is awesome and I love everyone and please don't think this is about Red or UK?
And Caillou is the whiniest little shit ever! How he's still on TV just floors me. I'm pretty sure he's the reason children whine.
I would like to add the jerks who think their junk needs extra room so they spread their legs out about 3 people wide on the subway.
I can't stand sororities or small tires on phat/fat wheels either...
And more.
So Rated
Liz - Those friggin' Canadians.
The word for today is FRIGGIN'.
PF - I didn't know you were the one the comment kerfuffle was about. It would have been much more economical for We The People to have told you that you are beautiful. REALLY.
Upon further rumination in regard to your fork, I believe perhaps stronger action should be taken. Do you know any friggin' priests?
PF, beer cheese soup recipe if you have it please! I was in Wisconsin a few weeks ago and had this delicacy and, YUM!
That stupid TV offered fleece thingie that makes people look like cult members and is a sure sign of the Apocalypse is VERY VERY offensive.
rated
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=63901#post_comments
Just not quite as eloquent.
I have a sago palm in my front yard (it was there before we moved in) and I swear that sucker stabs me every time I get in my car!
Back in New Orleans, I lived near an old lady who left cat food out and our yard was full of feral cats who stalked the neighborhood and looked right out of “Pet Sematary”. Ugh. I like cats more now because I live near a state forest, where I suspect the coyotes eat them… because I never see a cat anymore.
Calliou is not nearly as bad as that jerk kid in “the giving tree” book!
Too funny!
Members Only jackets. Soooooooo 70's. I've got your member and it is coming nowhere near me!
Chintz. What the fuck is chintz? Is that like a cheapskate who grew up in Brooklyn?
Katie Courics's gums! Too much gums, not enough teeth! And, like Cameron Diaz, she looks like she needs a good scrubbing. I have suspected for a long time that one might find a carcass of a chicken wing in the bottom of either of their purses. Just saying.
People that try to sell me religion at my door. Listen up! I want to start my own religion: JEW hovah's witnesses, where I come knocking on YOUR door asking you for your leftover Gucci and Louis Vuitton shit, okay?
Now, you've got me seething. Go look at Mr. Big!
I was one of the people encouraging the bad boy to be bad, before the meltdown. I like rebellious types, and I think he still deserves to be here. Some people thrive on chaos. It's something I grew up with too.
No excuses made here for abusive posts, but wasn't the uproar just a little exciting? If only to keep us riveted til Freaky posted again.
My friggin' sago palm bites me every time I get near it, and it WILL NOT DIE!!! I hate that thing.
Liz - That thing DOES look like you need a pocket for the half roll of quarters. ::shudder::
Freaky - When I'm offended, you're the last thing on my mind. ;)
Rick - I aim to please. Too often sometimes.
Munglar - I read that earlier and you're just as eloquent as I am.
Denise - A catless area? Interesting.
cartouche - Would you like to share the paper bag I'm breathing into slowly? I'm nice like that, you know. I'd rather have them knocking on my door than these fools I have around here. I couldn't give them anything, but maybe I'd pick up a few tips.
Shelle - I take it you second this emotion? LOL
Ardee - I always feel bad when folks I personally feel close to get basely insulted. It doesn't feel good. Of course, there's always some shitstorm going on around here. We're like any other family, only digital in nature.
Michael - I hear napalm works on those things. I'm afraid to try it though. Right now, I'm battling my sago palms with pointed angst and barbed rhetoric.
in addition to The Giving Tree, that Runaway Bunny book creeps me out
Zack & Cody totally offend me
Hummers - but that goes without sayin'
Ryan Seacrest - who made this guy a "STAR"?
People who talk to me on the Metro (subway) - don't they know the rules? j/k - but I do have that face that strangers feel free to talk to
Nobody ever wins the $1 Million on Deal or No Deal and
weird Howie who won't shake hands with the contestants
Cheap wine & waiting lines for overpriced chain restaurants
I'm sure there's more but I wouldn't want to manifest too much negativity. Seriously.
Party on and thanks for the post, Jodi.
Nice one. Well put.
Normally I can't stand lots of things, but I've got a new perspective tonight, and not in a good way. I'll blogwhore(tm) about it later, I think.
Rated.
TA-DAAAAAA!!
I hate those things.
But three-tined forks? They are just plain ugly all up.
what do you aim in order to please?
I hate those smug-ass little Sago Palms with you.
And okra.
Oh yes, OKRA!
Oh - never mind.
This was a day from hell, the worst of which is that my new granddaughter is now 8 days late.
Does anyone truly believe it is censorship if you delete offensive comments on your own blog? Most of us devote lots of time and energy to our blog homes. Why would we let vandals trash the place? Many political blogs that were not moderated during the primary season turned into misogynistic cesspools. I needed to take a shower after reading the comments. Freedom of speech does not extend to saying fuck you , you cunt, to me on my blog.
I hate black licorice--and peas. And I see no reason to make low calorie or low fat anything.
If you are going to eat cake it should really be cake.
Namaste
Also on PBS is Super Why! A story about four, dumb as shit kids who solve problems by rewriting fairytales. They taught my daughter how to lie. And don't get me started on Dragon Tales. Evil mutant creatures... A Big, Big World is about as interesting as puss-filled blister.
Caillou is a little whiny, but all-in-all he's a good kid. Leave him alone. I said, leave my little Canuck pal alone!
Also, Lainey, I too despise the word 'moist.' I also hate it when students write that non-word "Anyways."
at absolutely any time they can, whether it's called for or not?
Now there are too many comments to do one at a time.
I love hearing what irritates everyone else. I know I'm not alone, and that is fun and exciting in a jello-in-your-pants sort of way. Thanks for participating in my relatively non-offensive bitchfest.
As for the sago palm controversy, I could make a joke about The Wizard of Oz and someone would say, "That's not funny! A house fell on my sister!" It's the nature of humor.
No sago palms were harmed in the making of this blog.
So where does a nudist carry his/her card(s)? Do you have a special little crevasse you can tuck them into? Just askin'.
Damn friggin' ridiculous.
Where are the people who listened to that Cheech & Chong record so many times I had all the skits memorized by the time I was six? It's like they've disappeared into the ether, the "getting older and stodgy ether."
I guess I would also say I don't like the "older and stodgy ether" than many of us get absorbed into by a certain age. And my mother doesn't like the opening of True Blood evidently. ha.
The Best Friend says that she was "pissed off by who they kill". I really, really don't want them to kill Tara. NOBODY TELL ME!!!
::SPOILER ALERT!::
Making Rene the brother on the lam really pissed me off, too. He's the only actual Cajun character on the show. If he's the bad guy, socially, that's not very nice to the place they are filming. I hope that's a red herring.
We'll see...
People who add "ed" to everything
CHEAP people (stop getting your damn calculator out at the restaurant figuring out your bill BUT omitting tax and gratuity. )
People who wear sweat socks with dress shoes (WTF)
Blue eyeshadow
People who pause at the foot of the escalator to survey the territory. Get the fuck out of the way! There are people behind you, and we can't stop!
People who wear baseball caps with the bill pointing any way but forward. Listen up: The bill of the cap should always, always point in the same direction as your face. Not sideways. You look like an idiot.
Droopy drawers. I don't want to see your underwear or your ass crack. You don't look cool. If you're wearing droopy drawers AND a sideways baseball cap, I wash my hands of you altogether.
Reality TV shows. They depress me and make me feel sad for the state of the American psyche.
Artwork that is hung too high on the wall.
People who mispronounce my last name after being told repeatedly how to pronounce it and after hearing me say it correctly myself.
I'm with you all on the Snuggie. The red one looks especially cult-like.
I feel better now.
Last night, the Small GirlChild said, "Calliou doens't like vegetables."
The Man told her, "That's why all of his hair fell out."
Heh heh heh
his name is just annoying, why does his sister have a semi normal name but his doesnt even resemble anything male
If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you turned your headlights on, would they DO anything?
Thumbed. 'Cause you spelled Caillou incorrectly and offended me.
As for that little bald bastard, I am offended that you DO know how to spell Cal- aw... screw it.
As for the math, well - I had to throw a little Steven Wright in there too, just following your lead. :-D
Little toy forks, little toy gloves. Yep! Deeply flawed. What a fun post. Thanks. (Especially about the cats. )
Dean
White socks.
People who cross their 7's.
Italian-esque resturaunts. Every 3 feet.
Hermetically sealed plastic packaging.
Thank you for letting me get that out. I feel better now.
You HAVE a barely used kitchen drawer???? Can I have it? Please please please?
I hate the purple One. We dodged the bullet on the first kid, but the frickin' DOODLEBUGS. Ugh.
I heartily recommend "Death to Smootchy" and the "Baloney" episode of Animaniacs for Barney-haters everywhere.
Ok, I'm also offended by:
1. Mean people, especially verbal ones.
2. Obscenities on bumper stickers where my kid can read them.
3. People who make assumptions about your kid based on three seconds of viewing them.
4. MANY other things...it's storming out and I'm grumpy at work.
- e.
I join you in being offended by three pronged forks. I'll raise you "sporks", wrapped-up butter that you have to get all over your hands, people who are too good to use "lol", and spoiled saliva-dogs.