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I personally believe that the “New Year” involves a thirteenth month, Ogham runes and a very large bonfire. Therefore, the rest of you are about two months late with your Spumante in my book. I made my resolutions while I still had glitter in my hair and a fun-sized KitKat skimmed off my kids’ Halloween haul to chew on.

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I understand that you have your religion (or educated choice to forego religion) and I have mine, so in the interest of tolerance, I’ll share my current resolutions for the New Year.

*Maximize Tolerance – On the surface, I am an extremely patient and accepting individual. However, underneath it all I am extremely judgmental and impatient with my fellow humans.

Example: My 15-year-old niece told me she’s a “pesce-vegetarian.” This means she is a vegetarian that eats fish. Now, I defy anyone to tell me why a fish’s feelings are worth less than a cow’s. If it’s just size, then my feelings would probably mean a hell of a lot more than yours. I respect vegetarianism fully, but I would smoke meat out of a bong if I could figure out how to do it.

My first instinct was to tell her that while Joe Pesci is a splendid actor, eating him would not be socially acceptable. The next instinct was to laugh when my kids asked what a “pushy-vegetarian” might be while pointing out possible redundancies in the statement. The young lady is doing well for herself and her planet. Though I actually fell silent and gave her an OxFam donation for Christmas, the thoughts were still there – adding to the general malaise in the Universe.

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*Stamp Out Oversimplification – Unfortunately, my mind tends to do its own little jig which looks like Schrödinger's cat dancing on Occam’s Razor. I have the ability to complicate a simple issue to the point of existential brain freeze, but reduce a complex conundrum to the point of glaring obviousness.

Example: Israel. In 1947, a bunch of people thought it would be a really great idea if they created a new country for primarily white Jewish folks out of part of an Arab Muslim country without giving them say in the matter. I hear they still have kerfuffles over there now and again. Duh.

This would normally not be a problem. If the world saw things my way, there might be a little mutual understanding and the shooting might stop. But, the world is not that simple. On the other hand, I have an ongoing Holy War with The Man over which way the handles should face in the utensil drawer. Then I wonder why I get headaches.

*Lose 30 pounds – You, me and Oprah, baby! Here’s where health and oversimplification have a little train wreck. Once you’re fat, it doesn’t matter HOW you got fat, you’re just fat. You have created more fat cells. You cannot kill fat cells, you can only shrink them. I will continue to walk three miles and curse the day Gilad was born every day, but this one probably isn’t happening. I’ll never look like Traci Lords in Crybaby (everyone has their benchmark, don’t judge me), I’m okay with that. I’ve lost 40 since I had Pudge. So there.

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Example: There are things in life which are optional such as marriage, home-ownership, tan lines and underpants. There are also things which are not optional, such as cheese, wine and pork products stuffed with other pork products.

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*Travel More – The extent of my travel is normally family visitation and worshipping The Plastic Rat. Last year, The Man and I managed to take The Spawn to Mammoth Cave. This year, we’re taking two weeks in the summer and GOING SOMEWHERE. Of course, we’ll go to his family’s house on the lake in Michigan, but that’s only two hours from Chicago. I know this guy who has a restaurant there and I won’t need strollers by then. He hates strollers in the aisles of the restaurant. Travel is the fastest route to making us into who we ought to be.

*Stop Watching The Today Show – I love The Today Show. I love Ann Curry, I love Willard Scott’s barely contained obscenity when he’s talking about 100-year-old women and I live for the moment when Al Roker says, “Here’s what’s happening in YOUR neck of the woods!” I can even forgive their busy schedule of telling me I’m too fat, too broke and too sloppy as long as Jacksonville is the PICK CITY OF THE DAY every once in awhile.

However, The Today Show has made a grave error in judgment by allowing Kathie Lee Gifford to broadcast her visage on any program, much less grant her a recurring role.

Example: Let’s say I’m dying of kidney failure.
I need a transplant.
A race of purple, people eating aliens has infected the Earth with a flesh eating virus that only I, my transplant team and Kathie Lee Gifford were immune to, and Ms. Gifford was a perfect match.
It is up to me and the lead doctor who is a dead ringer for a heterosexual version of Anderson Cooper to repopulate the Earth.
 I would go ahead and DIE.
I would get to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter himself would say, “I understand.”

Image: msnbc.com

So, there you have it, five simple resolutions that aren’t really resolutions but rather, life goals that I will be working on until next New Year, sometime around Halloween. May you and yours find your life goals both easy to reach and satisfying.

As always…

Be excellent to each other.

Party on.