Image: Xkcd.com

I don’t think there is a man alive who has not at some point in their lives said, “Why didn’t you just TELL me that?!?” to a woman. Women – and subsequently the things women want - are notorious for being “The Great Mystery of the Universe”. In the interest of peace and harmony, I’m going to let men in on some secrets.

I do not claim to speak for every single woman in America. I merely speak for myself and roughly 152 million of my closest friends. Of course, there are women who truly and honestly do not care about Valentine’s Day. Maybe they don’t even want to celebrate it. Lucky you! This isn’t about them. This is about the other 150 million of us.

Here are a few simple “Do’s” to help you feel good about the upcoming holiday.

·         DO GIVE HER A CARD. I know, especially in these hard financial times, it seems ridiculous to spend $5.95 on a piece of stiff paper. Trust me, it’s important. Also, unless you have received a humorous Valentine’s Day card from her in the past to set the precedent, steer clear of joke cards. It doesn’t have to have kissing teddy bears on the front of it. It just needs to say, “Dear Woman, I like you and I want you to keep liking me.” Don’t over think it.

·         DO WRAP YOUR GIFT! I don’t care if it’s a steaming pile of dog poo, wrap the gift in wrapping paper that looks like Valentine’s Day paper. If you are truly inept at this, use a gift bag.

·         DO KNOW your woman. I know this seems obvious, but make sure that the gift fits the lady, please. The deep, dark secret about Valentine’s Day is that it is not about adding to a woman’s collection of material things. Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for women to reassure themselves that not only do their men care enough to get them a proper gift, but that their men KNOW WHO THEY ARE. A cookbook for the gourmet – a pair of ski boots for the ski bunny – whatever your woman is enthusiastic about, get her a gift that reflects that. The message you send will be not only that you know who she is, but that you LIKE her as a person. This is why making something is such a great idea, it is something OF YOU that you make for what you know of HER.

·         DO ASK WHAT SHE’D LIKE. Here’s your script: “Honey, I’m trying to decide what you’d most enjoy for Valentine’s Day. I’d like to make the decision on my own so that you’re surprised, but could you give me a few general hints?” If you do this now, at the end of January, you will have already given her a gift that was FREE. The gift is that she now knows you’re thinking of her WEEKS before the actual holiday. Her pleasant anticipation of the event has also been piqued. LISTEN to her response. She may say, “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything.” That is a woman who needs some jewelry.

·         DO economize, but DON’T fake it! Money is tight. If you feel like your woman would enjoy a piece of jewelry, don’t go for the fake stuff. Places like Overstock.com and the thousands of little mall jewelry stores that are going out of business have great deals on small pieces. Use The Real Woman’s Universal Rule of Breasts: Small and real is better than big and fake.

Also, in my never ending quest to bring peace to the battle of the sexes, I will provide you with a solid list of “Don’ts”. These are universal, inarguable and concrete.

·         Never buy your gift at the last moment. Getting nothing at all is better than getting a scented candle wrapped in the Sunday comics. That's why you're getting this handy guide NOW. Won't you feel better when you have this taken care of?

·         Never buy a gift certificate. The only acceptable gift certificate for Valentine’s Day is a specific certificate for a salon or spa service, like a facial or massage. If you do get a certificate like that, be sure that you go over to Pier One or World Market and get a spiffy decorative box to put it in.

·         Never utter the words, “Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by Hallmark and candy companies to make money.” They do not mean you are liberated or smarter than everyone else. If you’re under 30, those words mean you’re lazy and broke. If you’re over 30, they mean you’re bitter, grumpy and broke.

·         Unless a woman specifically asks for a household object (like a vacuum cleaner) for Valentine’s Day, do not buy her a household object. When I say “specifically”, I mean she has torn out a picture of the vacuum cleaner/coffee maker/dustbuster and said these EXACT words, “Honey, I would like THIS EXACT vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day. Even if she HAS requested this object, you had better hedge your bets and throw in a nice pair of earrings.

·         BUY CLOTHES CAUTIOUSLY. Unless you routinely buy clothes with and for your lady, this is dangerous ground. It doesn’t make any sense, but a woman’s shape can span three or four different sizes depending on the brand and cut of clothing. Unless you’ve seen the piece of clothing ON THE WOMAN and she’s expressed a desire to own it, you’re taking a huge gamble.

·         DO NOT be generic when it comes to candy. Boxes of assorted chocolates in the shape of hearts are notorious for not tasting very good. Almost every little town in America has a chocolate shop or a specialty food store which has a candy counter. For less than $20, you can hand pick chocolates and have them put in a nice little box. If you’re having sex with this woman, you should know what kind of chocolate she likes.

·         DON’T worry about the flowers. Walk into the grocery store/flower shop/ roadside stand and then choose flowers that look pretty TO YOU. Chances are they won’t have the kind of flowers your woman likes on the day itself. Choose the ones that remind you of her, preferably not red roses. Then, when you give them to her TELL HER THAT. Show me a woman that isn’t moved by her man handing her flowers that “remind him of her” and I’ll show you a cold-hearted bitch that you need to dump forthwith. If you’re feeling really productive, order flowers online to be delivered that day. Personally, I think that’s an expensive waste for something that will be wilted in a couple of days, and I’ll bet you do too.

Hopefully this little list has been helpful. I am aware that I have revealed trade secrets which could make the Vaginal Magician’s Guild put a hit out on me. But, I feel that sometimes, a woman must cross No Man’s Land and reach out with an olive branch to the opposite sex.

I love men. I think they get a really bad rap most of the time. Many men spend their lives feeling like they are taking a test for a class they’ve spent the semester sleeping through. We should not BLAME men; we should clearly and lovingly tell them what we want. So, consider this my Valentine to the men of the world. I love you guys!