Image: ljcfyi.com
Forgive me, Lord - for I have gone meta.
This morning, over my frozen waffles and reheated coffee, I checked my email and dutifully read the Salon Newsletter. The above-the-fold article, which I don’t normally read because I don’t “know” those people over at the MotherShip, was about television shows. Particularly, it was about The Real Housewives of Orange County and New York.
I began by feeling superior, before ever reading the content, because when you click on MY blog, you don’t get a screensaver advertisement popup. This makes me classier than my financially compensated brethren over at BigSalon. I understand that this is our version of our mothers telling us the popular kids pick on us because they know we are prettier and smarter. Probably not true, but comforting nonetheless.
As I read the article, Heather Havrilesky (who I am quite aware is prettier and smarter than I am) postulated that the reason that the Real Housewives are entertaining is that they claim to be one thing then prove themselves to be the exact opposite. Examples of this include the Orange County housewives being leathery old bats while pretending to be teenage sex princesses and the New York wives being class-obsessed bitches who fight like they are on an extended version of Jerry Springer.
This brought me to the question: What about the Real Housewives of OS? Who are we? What do we believe? How does who we are and what we believe color what we write and how we interact with our peers?
The shocking thing about OpenSalon is that we have vanquished sexism. Well… sort of. The women here are held in such high regard that if a man came in here and told me I couldn’t be president because I had a vagina, that man would be drawn, quartered and fed to Lulu and Phoebe. All I would have to do is sit back and look precious. But, on the other hand, I think men and women here are hyper-vigilant about their words when it comes to sex roles. Some truth is inevitably lost in self-censorship.
Racism isn’t very popular around here, either. I don’t believe that we have a population proportional ratio of minorities, but posters like purpleinflorida and teendoc are loved and respected. We at least try to welcome everyone with open arms.
The –ism we do have here is partyism. This is a liberal site, MamaSalon is liberal, we were drawn here because we’re liberals and we’ve been roundly condemned at times for not wanting to hear “the other side”. There came a point around Halloween where if I heard the words “echo chamber” one more time I was going to run naked and screaming into the street. But, most of those among us who list a little to starboard understand that differences of opinion do not equal personal attacks.
Politics aside, I think we’re doing pretty well. Can OS survive? Of course! We have our little blips, but I think we’re a strong community.
But, what about the Housewives? It seems like only yesterday that I was accused of being “programmed” to want to be a housewife by a misogynistic and oppressive society. OpenSalon is the only place which raises its collective eyebrow at me when I state that I want to stay at home with my children and play house for a few years. That said, the folks around here also remind me daily that I am worth finishing my degree and being the Mistress of the Dark Library Arts at some point in the future.
The OS “MamaSquad” has a lot to contribute as well. When I was a young mother, I gleaned most of what guided me through bulletin boards and websites. I never wondered how to change a diaper or whether or not to boil my crib sheets because there were women out there who were sharing their own experiences. I was not alone. There are plenty of young women with new babies around OS that gain knowledge and strength from those of us who have been where they are now - and vice versa.
For example, I am a worrier. (You know this) The SmallBoyChild isn’t talking the way he is supposed to be. He doesn’t like to be touched often and he is very independent. The pediatrician says he’s fine, but like any mom, I’m worried it might be more than his personality. But I know, without a doubt, if Pudge is diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, I am not alone.
Being a mother is not just another job. There are no sick days, vacation, hazard pay, insurance, seminars or union. There have been times that I have posted pieces here that I thought would condemn me as a bad mother. But instead, I was met with support and love beyond measure.
The Real Housewives of OS ARE better than their televised counterparts. Going back to what Ms. Havrilesky said this morning – we are exactly who we seem to be. We are defined by the convictions we hold that the world SHOULD be a better place, but it isn’t. We are willing to do the work to get it there. Part of that work has been bonding together and supporting each other, even when it isn’t easy.
An OS “Housewife” doesn’t have to be a mother, a wife or a homemaker. She’s a person with the desire to break out of society’s bad habits of judgment and disapproval amongst women. She’s a person of grace, humor and humility. She’s challenged and thinking rather than obedient and accepting. Above all, she is funny. Whether met with cancer or autism, death or divorce, she’s ready to twist life out of shape then laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. She’s learned what the ladies of Bravo have not… she who tells the joke laughs best and is transformed to fight another day.
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Ryan Soberg
Colony of Losers
astrid.in.lala.land
franishnonspeaker
Linnnn
vanessa seijo
Salon.com
Comments
I'm off to the Getting Place to search for a swing set for The Spawn.
I'll comment in a few hours.
Much love, ya'll.
You have four kids, two of whom are preschoolers. Nothing wrong with wanting to stay home and concentrate on raising them for a few years. The library and the college ain't going anywhere. They'll still be there when the kids are grown.
a snot-ridden, diaper-stained, burping, kidproofed amen!
A great piece. Thank you for it. I feel the same way. Good to have people here who I can talk to about things they've already seen.
I totally enjoyed your fresh look here, Jodi. Rated!
The Atlanta girls make the rest of them look ugly, trashy and sadly dressed.
But what is it about New York women that they have such outstanding figures? It can't all be from plastic surgery. Is it the stress?
I suspect that Atlanta is why the White ones are having so much ridiculous drama this season. They were probably told to step it up after the Atlanta girls showed them how.
But they didn't pay attention.
It was hard and I wish I'd had the Net-based connections available now, to help me feel less alone then. My kids are terrific adults and we have an excellent relationship. My time with them didn't necessarily make them who they are, but it helped.
Props to all who work at being good parents. You have my total respect, especially on the days when nothing goes right.
That's the second time this morning I spit milk out my nose. I have got to stop eating breakfast when I'm on OS.
Mangina would've done it too, but fortunately I'd given up on my cereal by that point. :D
As for Motherhood--let me put it this way: I have too much respect for all the responsibilities of motherhood to have ever tried it. I know I couldn't work that hard, which is just reinforced every day by the OS Moms.
One question: If the OS man has a Mangina does the OS woman have a Venis?
I'd be proud to be counted as one of the Real Housewives of OS. I was going to quibble with your phrase "playing house" because, ya' know, raising the kids, cooking a decent meal, etc. is NOT "playing house" but then, again, sometimes I feel like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy - we're adults. when did that happen and how do we make it stop? - so I won't quibble, because I know what you mean.
I didn't leave my brain at 1801 K St. when I decided to stay home with my kids. And I'm no better or worse now that I'm working some. I think it takes a few years on either side of the fence to get perspective. I wish there weren't "sides," but having been on both and in-between, I think some of the "judging" is rooted in our (women's) insecurities sometimes about the choices we make.
ok, well that got long and deep. sorry. I just love OS in that one day I can write about politics, another about technology, and yet another about being a good-enough parent or dealing with my quite dysfunctional extended family and there is an audience who not only reads and gives feedback, but actually gets it and (seems to) appreciate that it is all a part of me.
thanks for a timely and wise post!
Lisa
I have to admit to sometimes sneaking a peek at the Bravo Housewives of NY, OC, and ATL. On one hand, it's comforting to know that they're not all that much different than the rest of us. On the other hand--since they're not so different--it's kinda hard to figure out why they're all so much wealthier. What ev---HWoATL is the bomb.
I have no kids, though plenty of housework. Can I join HWoOS too?
I know a little of what you're saying. I'm neither an exemplary father or a very good mother, though I have both of those titles and roles as imperfect as the implementation might have been. Though I say I'm an artist, and have made a little money over the years in doing custom millwork and cabinetry, artwork and photography, it's never been my job to bring home the bacon. That was the bride's job, as the CEO of a large multi million dollar national association. My job was to raise three kids and take care of hearth and home (much like lpsrocks describes) after giving up my position as vp of an architectural millwork firm here in Dallas. And the Dallas thing is not inconsequential as it was extraordinary, anomalous, in this place where it was all about making boatloads of money and how you looked and what expensive bangles, baubles and toys you displayed. But we made the decision, in some early painful compromises to income and lifestyle, that one of us had to stay home with the kids, volunteer in the schools and have dinner on the table. Some things worked out well, some not, but we made the right decision--for ourselves and for the kids. So far.
Beautiful post friend.
I promise you that motherhood was a superb initiation into the dark arts of librarianship.
PS My dad did not utter his first words until he was four. They were: "Stop that noise!" said to his mom as she was engaged in a futile attempt to sing him to sleep whilst on a train. When his astounded parents asked him why he didn't speak before, his reply was: "I didn't have anything to say."
Of course, he probably was somewhere on the autism spectrum (as I suspect am I). Never the less, he was a great dad who designed and built puppets and toys and filled my childhood with magic.
groooannnn!
Love that you can write about women who choose to stay home with the kiddies for a few years, like a sabatical from work and school, a more normal view of this choice for mama warriors. It's enviable and such a gift to both the children and the mama. Works well for most daddy's, too. And that you qualified that we all do not need to necessarily be mothers, homemakers, etc...well, that entire last paragraph really sums it up perfectly for me, along with the necessary element of finding humor in all adversity. I relate to this most of all as I find myself saying things to people, like, "You'll have to forgive my sick sense of humor.." or the mantra I live by, while working, raising kids, now grandkids, the husband and the aging animals, "If I don't find humor in something everyday, I'd go freaking insane!" And, "Laughter keeps you young and healthy."
I have an 88 year old uncle who is the funniest, happiest and healthiest man I know. God bless him, he calls me about every 6 months and tells me jokes for about half an hour, which reminds me how precious a good sense of humor is in keeping you young.
Forgive the long tangent here. Loved your post!!!
I don't even know what to say...
I normally respond to everyone individually, but I think that would be too gargantuan a task while trying to make dinner! I thought this would get lost in the Sunday doldrums!
I fully agree that "Mangina" needs to be integrated into our OSpeak! It is an honorary organ bestowed upon those of our male friends who patiently participate in conversations that other men would not. (We all know what hides beneath those giant squirrel nuts!)
This was inspired by the plain fact that if I needed something - and I mean TRULY needed something - I would come to my OpenFamily first. My world with The Man and Spawn is small. People scare me. I fear anyone ever being angry with me.
But, I'm getting better. I can "practice" being "normal" here with you fine people. Someday, I hope to meet most of you and that is a rare and precious feeling for me.
Women are frightening, even for other women. Having a group of people so open-minded, intelligent, charitable and confident has helped me in ways I never imagined. OS means more to me than any school, church or group of arbitrary friends I've ever had in my life. There are people here who are my REAL friends - not just 1's and 0's. ::ahem!::
Damn... I should get out more. When are we going to Vegas, people?!?
Thanks for your comments, everyone. It made my day!
My mother was also a housewife, and I'm constantly in awe of how she managed everything while I was growing up, and still developed such strong relationships with my brother and me. My hope is that the word "housewife" will stop being associated with the ladies of Bravo, and start being associated with intelligent, committed people like my mother. And maybe me one day, if that's what I decide to do.
(Said mother, by the way, is Floridagirl595, who commented up there. Hopefully she will not scroll down, because that would just be embarrassing.)
Also, I see you're from Jacksonville! I am, as well. Hope you don't mind if I add you - you're a great writer.
(2) Mangina ... hahahahah!!! Venis ... hahahahaha!!!
(3) This is absolutely wonderful. I'm a stay-at-homer, you know ... but only with the last two. I never thought I'd be able to do it because I like working ... I need to think about stuff, but I wouldn't trade the time I had with the twins for anything. I often wonder how different things would be if I could have stayed home with the first three ...
(4) Thanks Jodi :)
Very entertaining and true.
A mom recently announced to a group of us mothers, “If you cannot take a few years off from your ‘career’ when you have kids, then I am sorry, but you shouldn’t even have kids!” (She did air-quotes on the word career. Really.) I decided right then that I would not be friends with that woman, not because I agree or disagree with her, but because I don’t want to be friends with someone who is so judgmental.
Motherhood is hard enough without judgment by other mothers.
Thumbed.
However, I'm struggling with the "housewife" name. If my house could talk, it would tell you I have very little loyalty to it at all. So I began to wonder why we couldn't just be the Real Women of OS, and then I began to wonder why we'd exclude the real men, and then I got really confused and had to go eat bonbons.
And like all housewives, I work from home.
Hey, I have Jacksonville peeps now! Woo hoo!
Recently, I was told I could not work in my office and continue to write on OS, well at least about things that are dear to my heart and soul. No more writing about racism or sexism -- only all real estate blogging all the time if I keep up my picture. Uhmmm -- what do I think of this -- not much but I am pretty much stick here due to my mortgage (out damned spot.)
So, I come here to read other people's thoughts and say "Yah, I am feelin' ya ". You have written about what is the best past of OS -- suppport of likeminded people for other souls wanting the best from ourselves and our world. What could possibly be better than that?
I am going to liveblog it at 10 pm, Tuesday, on Bravo.
Hee hee hee
I guess I have a mangina by virtue of my daddying the hellspawn around. Is there a roadmap to my man-g-spot? Inquiring minds want to know.
You are a good, brilliant, worthy woman who happens to be a fantastic writer. I believe in Hollywood, Orange County, or New York, that is referred to as the whole package.
But making women stay home just because they're women is obviously sexist and misogynistic.
So I'd like to say, I applaud your choice to stay at home and raise your children, just as I applaud BBD's choice to do the same. I really hope that if I am ever married and having kids, me or my spouse might be able to stay at home, and I hope we're smart enough to take a look at each of our careers and make a choice based on what's best for our family and not just do what people expect. I don't ever want to live a life where all I do is run myself ragged, with no time to enjoy the things I'm working so hard for.
I don't think that staying at home to take care of your family means you've been programmed by a misogynistic and oppressive society. I think it means you have good time and money management skills and understand what's most important to you and those you love.
"An OS “Housewife” doesn’t have to be a mother, a wife or a homemaker. She’s a person with the desire to break out of society’s bad habits of judgment and disapproval amongst women. She’s a person of grace, humor and humility. She’s challenged and thinking rather than obedient and accepting. Above all, she is funny. Whether met with cancer or autism, death or divorce, she’s ready to twist life out of shape then laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. She’s learned what the ladies of Bravo have not… she who tells the joke laughs best and is transformed to fight another day."
Quick question though: Do I get to join even though once/maybe twice a year, I use a teensyweensybitsybit of the marhvelous Botox that gets rid of my notso teensyweensybitsybit line that makes me look so angry? I really hope this doesn't disqualify me cuz I'm superficial enough to hate that line and I just can't quit my B fix.
Funny, insightful and touching.
Lonnie - You, squirrel and Barry had Manginas before Manginas were cool. In fact, you may want to consider Maginal Lazar Rejuvination. ::ducking::
Time to take back the word "housewife" from Bravo's marketing department!
And about SmallBoyChild--if he's over age 2, call up your county's Early Intervention Program and request an evaluation. It's free, you don't need a referral from your pediatrician, and even if he's not on the spectrum, he may qualify for and benefit from services. My son didn't get an official diagnosis until age 6, but he's been getting special ed since age 3, which has been great.
And, even though I had to go to work every day, I really enjoyed reading those blogs because they were like little vacations. I could virtually experience being at home. And best of all, I'd learn about things I would have missed entirely if left to my own devices.
I hope you post photos of the swing set.
ktm - Don't even get me started on the swing set. No one carries them anymore! You can't go BUY a swingset. You have to ORDER it. I hate that. Hate, hate, hate that. The Man and I are considering building one of our own. Now THAT will be one heckuva phlogging.
Love you, too ;)