WARNING: This is as far from “work safe” as anything I have ever written in this blog. You’ve been warned.

As a public service to my friends, I will now define various words and phrases which have been or may be used on this blog. I make no guarantees as to the grammatical or etymological validity of these words or phrases.

I am, by nature, what David Foster Wallace might have called a “SNOOT¹”. However, my education as a young SNOOTling was cut short in its prime. Therefore, I have the leverage within my brain to caress…massage…fondle our dear language in all its forms. To truly sample the delights of English, I believe one must roll around in it and then track some on the carpet.

Anyone who has read my musings for long is familiar with the terms “bumpify” and/or “thumbify”. Pedestrian modifications of verbs which are bastardized into the passive are not my focus here. I’m talking about useful words and phrases which will enrich and enhance your everyday life. Let us proceed.

·         Mangina – (n.) Imaginary organ bestowed upon a male which is merited by the patient endurance and even participation in extremely feminine discussions. This organ entitles him to remain present during conversations of the most sensitive nature. USAGE: “It’s okay, Jane. You can talk about your cervical scarring in front of him. He has his mangina.” (fem. – “Venis” – Thanks to Lea Lane)

·         Quesadilla – (interrogative sentence) – A mistranslated bit of Spanish meaning “What the fuck?” This came about during an especially, uh… altered conversation. If “Que?” means “what” in Spanish, then what is the Spanish word for “fuck”? (It’s “chinga” in case you’re wondering.) This word was chosen for its audible resemblance to “whatsthedealio?” - An appalling bit of white boy gutter slang. USAGE: “Then she lit all 400 of my Phish tour shirts on fire!!! Quesadilla!?!” (Appropriate accompanying hand motion is the “five dollar footlong” sign shaken violently before your person)

·         Potty treat – (n.) A reward for doing something you should have been doing all along. This sprung from potty training the SmallGirlChild. She now expects M&M’s each time she relieves herself. Usage: “She blows him every time he mows the lawn. What a potty treat!”

·         FTS – (acronym) “Fuck That Shit”. This is an extremely helpful phrase used in only the most extreme circumstances of paranormal investigation. Translation: “Pardon me, but I need to relocate to a place which does not involve floating objects. Please forgive my rudeness. I will be back momentarily.” Usage: “I gotta FTS”. (Not to be confused with FDS – that’s a whole different problem.)

·         “Singin’ in the Rain” – (descriptive phrase) Description of an emotional state demonstrated in the movie/novel A Clockwork Orange. A point of cold and calculating rage so fierce that it will frighten small children and Republicans. Murder and mayhem are a distinct possibility when in the “Singin’ in the Rain” state. Not to be used flippantly. USAGE: “After he found her in bed with his brother, he was ‘Singin’ in the Rain’.”

·         Squirrel rating – This tradition actually came from my dear and sainted parents. A person who is flighty, unstable or twitchingly strange is referred to as a “squirrel”. Just HOW strange this person is would be indicated by how many squirrel tails they were described as having. USAGE: “I shit you not, that woman put BenGay on her forehead when she got a headache. What a four-tailer!”

·         “Scooby Snacks” – (n.) Prescription medications for psychological issues. Origins of this term are found in the street name for “Xanax” being “Scooby Snacks”. USAGE: “You’re kidding! She burnt his Phish shirts? She must be off her Scooby Snacks!”

·         Metric Fuckton – A term which I drunkenly believed I invented. Accepted definition from The Urban Dictionary: “More properly, ‘Metric Fucktonne.’ The Fuckton is the Imperial standard for the measurement of fuckweight, while the Fucktonne, in contrast, constitutes the Metric measure of fuckmass. Generally used to imply superlative quantity with the Metric standard included to emphasize this point. The inclusion of the term is, however, fundamentally a misuse of that standard, as the Imperial Fuckton (2000 Imperial Fuckpounds) denotes a slightly greater measure of fuckweight within Earth's gravitational pull than does the Metric Fuckton (1000 Metric Fuckilograms). “

·          “John Mayer” – (n.) Any prepackaged bagged juice product.
Provenance: The Man and I had the bad habit of watching TMZ when the SmallGirlChild was beginning to speak. One afternoon, she asked us for “a John Mayer”. I was unclear what exactly she wanted until that evening when TMZ ran a video for the bazillionth time where John Mayer says, “In the end, I’m kind of a douchebag.”

Needless to say, I have about a bazillion (see definition in the Major Motion Picture Stand By Me) more of these. However, I hold a strong belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Therefore, I thank you for your time and hope this guide will enrich your life.

 ¹Please see DFW’s “book review,” Authority and American Usage*.  

              *Don’t actually read that essay. You’ll never use a word without fear again.

 We're all mad here:

Who else do you know that golfs in fishnets and Converses?