See Part One 

Now that you’ve become acquainted with a sampling of the words and phrases commonly used in the Kasten household, the natural second step will be learning more advanced and specialized terms.

·         Mouseketool – Mickey Mouse uses mouseketools on his popular children’s show “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” to complete adventures. To you and I, a “Mouseketool” is simply the poor bastard that has to stand in a sweaty suit at Disney World and wave at the patrons. USAGE: "Bob dropped out of Junior College. Now he’s working as a Mouseketool in Orlando."

·         Phood – Edible object which cannot actually be considered food. Examples of these foods are Pop-Tarts, Twinkies, Waffies and the little bottles of wax that have colored sugar water inside. This term is not considered to be pejorative. Not to be confused with Misused Food which is food treated in such a way as to completely negate any nutritional value or original flavor the food may have possessed. Examples of Misused Food are Fried Green Beans and virtually anything served at a “Fern Bar”.

·         Fern Bar – Low to Mid-Grade table service restaurant which serves alcohol and $8-$15 entrees. So named for the inevitable plastic ferns adorning the bar area. Also recognizable by fishbowl-sized, brightly colored drinks containing an umbrella with names foreshadowing your evening’s outcome – i.e. “Blackout,” “Lucky Lady,” “DUI” or “Plan B”. USAGE: “It was our second date, so after the monster truck rally I took Tiffany to the fern bar.”

Image: photobucket.com

·         Prizzle – An unexpected or especially desired gift given on a non-holiday occasion. The alternative term “Surprizzle” is reserved for a truly unexpected surprise gift. USAGE: After being shamed publically for forgetting our anniversary, The Man presented me with a surprizzle!” Here's my best, most recent prizzle:

 Image: Betsey Johnson

·         Whizzle – The feeling one gets in the stomach when they feel the first stirrings of love for another person. Often described as “butterflies” or some other creature contained within the abdominal region. Always most powerful only when highly inappropriate. (ahem!) While most often experienced during the first blush of infatuation, this feeling can and should be experienced occasionally in long-term relationships. Not to be confused with pregnancy or internal parasites.

·         Schmonopoly – Any version of the game Monopoly other than the standard tabletop board. Originally coined for use during the McDonald’s Monopoly promotion of 1987, but now acceptable primarily for electronic games played on the pogo.com website.
 
                                     Image: Pogo.com

·         Crackhouses – Houses or hotels built on Schmonopoly properties with little to no value. These properties can be recognized by their brown or light blue color and your opponents’ short-sighted willingness to trade them. USAGE: “Damn, I wish I hadn’t let you buy that! Your crackhouse just bit me on the ass!”

·         Finding Religion – A phrase used by the more prudish members of the clan to describe a state of frustration during competitive play involving verbal blasphemy. (i.e. “JESUS CHRIST!” or “GOD DAMMIT!”) USAGE: “When he landed on my crackhouses and went bankrupt he found religion.”

·         Cracktacular – A word describing a trashy, gaudy and/or disturbingly crazy aesthetic. Individuals pursuing the cracktacular aesthetic are assumed to have smoked crack in order to  estimate their appearance as attractive. Derivative forms: cracktastic, cracktabulous.
         
                     Image: Photobucket.com

                        
                                    Piercing: Image: Photobucket.com 

·         Prostitot – Child under the age of 12 who is unnaturally adorned to appear as a miniature adult. Seen in movies, television, print advertisement, malls or - most commonly - pageant contestants.

·         Disconfuckulated – In a state of distraught mental disarray which prohibits rational thought. USAGE: “After an eight year period of disconfuckulation, Former President Bush is now at home in Texas – sedated and resting comfortably.”