There are things I deeply believe. I’m not sure about the nature of God or the lives of saints and I still don’t have complete clarity on the curvy-bumpy-arrow-line-thingy they say is some sort of front on the weather map. But, there are some things which I do believe with utter certainty.
First, you must remember that I grew up walking distance away from where the Gulf Breeze UFO photos were taken. I had MUFON parked in my front yard for the better part of junior high. Yes, I saw the “UFO” - actually in the air. It was completely silent and looked just like the photos. I was also standing smack between NAS Pensacola and Eglin Air Force Base - even I’m not THAT gullible.
That experience made me skeptical. I later went on to hunt ghosts, watch JFK with interest and spend a full afternoon trying to identify a shadow on the bottom of one of the 9/11 planes (more recently than I'd like to admit). I love a good mystery. However, there are still things I do not question.
I'll illustrate.
I have heard people say that the government introduced crack cocaine into low-income housing projects to force a drug war and kill off minorities. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do believe that they planted people in the same communities and America’s jails who wore their pants down around their ankles so that it would be harder for people to run from the cops. That’s just common sense. You want to beat the system? Pull up your pants.
I also know for a fact that Netflix envelopes cause more paper cuts than normal envelopes. They are specifically designed for you to stick your index finger in to tear the perforation then they give you a bad enough paper cut between your fingers that you cannot wash dishes, do laundry or put your hands in any sort of cleaning solution but you can still operate the remote control. Imagine the years of engineering that took. It’s just common sense.
I also know for a fact that sewing machines are designed to weed out people with no patience. If you can get through threading a sewing machine then you’ve probably got the patience to complete your project without throwing the whole works against a wall while cursing the day Barthelemy Thimonnier was born. (He’s the French dude who invented the blasted thing.) We can put a man on the moon, but you have to spend at least $1000 to get a sewing machine that doesn’t require you to wind the thread around eight different corners to get it properly threaded. They are also cleverly designed to break beyond fixing every 7-10 years. Genius.
As if that weren't bad enough, I KNOW why we're all fat. It's because a cup of candy corn has fewer calories than a cup of raisins. Really. If you think about that too much, your head will explode. The good news is that the official weight on your death certificate won't include your head.
There are also things I know about people that I do not question. People are optimists. They may not always give people another chance, but they will always give machines another go. Don’t believe me? Most people have to be bodily removed from a stalled vehicle before they will quit trying to turn the key. Still skeptical? If your vacuum cleaner doesn’t pick up a piece of fuzz the first time, you’ll pick up the offending bit then drop it down in front of the machine to give it another try at it. People will lie and say they do not - only because they trust machines more than people. People are fun to prove wrong. Machines just fail to suck up dust bunnies when they are wrong – not nearly as satisfying.
My dad’s best friend once told me that the best way to catch a rat is to put a white piece of cloth in a room over a trap. A rat may not always take bait, but it will never fail to crap on something pure. He said that was some sort of lesson about people. I didn’t get it when I was nine, but I think I’ve gotten the hint since then. The one thing I truly believe more than anything else is that you can’t make anyone completely happy - not your mom, not your spouse, not the voting public and sure as hell not yourself. We live to be dissatisfied. Utopia only exists in our minds and when we think we’ve gotten all we ever wanted, we’ll find a reason why things could be better. That's how things like sewing machines and Netflix are invented.
That one truth that I completely believe makes me want to give people at least as much chance as I do a vacuum cleaner. If we don't, we’re all just rats looking for something to crap on.
Images:
Ybor City's Streetsign: foundshit.com
Rat Trap: speaknow.biz
Caught with Pants Down: manolomen.com
Gulf Breeze UFO: llnwd.net
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Comments
Fun, wonderfully well written post Jodi!
What if it was that blonde toddler of yours struck by the Predator launched missile? Would you want to give him more time to murder? Hell no. You would be demanding his head.
You would like a website called sugar stacks. It shows the sugar in raisins graphically. Found it through reddit.
Depends on the size of the scroll.
Conspiracy theories tend to have at least a little truth.
For example, a memo turned up last week exposing McDonald's for actively encouraging drive thru workers to "forget" to place items in sacks to save thousands per week.
Halfway through the meeting, two young men (who were actually cops) walked in the back doors of the room, walked up to the panel's table, and started removing weapons from their baggy clothing and laying them on the table. Among other things, they laid down a hacked-off shotgun, a Mac-10, a baseball bat, several hand guns and large knives, including a machete, nunchucks (sp?), and various other potentially lethal weapons.
THAT is the reasoning behind the wearing of baggy clothing and the pants-down-low look - it provides plenty of cargo and concealment space.
The proposed new dress code passed, by the way.
Gary - Thanks!
BBE - This is not about Obama. This is about the general attitude in this country that everything that exists needs a healthy dose of a-hole piled on it.
We're becoming a culture that doesn't know how to solve problems - rather we gain satisfaction from shooting at the people who try. I don't think it matters if that's Obama or anyone else, but in all honesty, I did not write this with him in mind.
However, I will admit that my analogy does fail in the sense that most of the people I know who enjoy shitting upon everything they see don't ever invent anything useful.
'ella 'ella 'ella - I have heard similar explanations. The Man said he heard it started as a prison signal to indication some sort of sex practice. I'll bow to someone else's knowledge there. ::shudder::
Nice take.
I also meant to mention that the "hope" and "change" referred to in the tags are the hope that I'll get to sit down today and not change too many diapers. Of course everything is politics, but I'm disappointed with the whole lot of them. This is a whole lot more about people who choose to not have anything positive to contribute.
WSFTC - Canada is looking nice about now. I've got a high of 92 here today. Trade ya?
'ella - Maybe if I didn't eat so many raisins it would be easier to get out of my own way.
1_irritating_BFF - Don't you have a poem to write or something?
::SLURP!::
yaya
Don't tell her kids. Wait. They'd rather have Jodi anyway.
WSFTC is now sighing heavily.
'Sides, choosing between "hope" and "change" or "shock and awe" is pretty easy.
BTW, I'm pretty sure that the people that wear baggy pants with their underwear showing are aliens that got off the UFOs that you saw (it helps hide the tentacles, ya know!)
Kasten even admitted before I could call her on it that her tags have politics, hope and change. What part of that is not Obama? Not hating. Just saying.
Found a link Kasten will like. Odette also:
http://www.reddit.com/tb/9qtj5
"You can't make anyone completely happy..."
Words to live by. If I had figured that out sooner in life I might have saved myself a lot of tears!
WHY aren't the people in power moving? They have both sides of Congress and the presidency. Yet, they do nothing. WHY? I think it's because everyone is trained to overthink everything to the point of inaction. Why should they do anything?
We MUST change our attitudes. If we disagree with something, we should be at the ready with a better suggestion before we start throwing rocks.
What could we accomplish if all the time and energy people spend trying to find a way to twist things into something ugly was spent actually trying to have an original thought instead of crapping on everyone else?
I think maybe we'd end a couple of wars and have universal healthcare. But, that would involve putting ourselves behind something instead of just undermining everything else, which is a lot harder than poking holes in someone else's work.
Who will you support in 2012?
At least, that's what the voices tell me.
I so totally believe the whole belt malfunction theory. I can really see it developing. Kids are so gullible they will try anything to be considered "cool". Remember the whole one-pant-leg-rolled-up fad? What happened to it?
It was replaced by the baseball-hat-cocked-at-an-angle fad. Which in turn was replaced by the belt malfunction.
It was a gang clothing fad to commiserate with the fallen brothers in prison. And it caught on for many reasons.
But that is why it got started.
I think it is still popular because it shortens the leg visually tot he point that you look like a peanuts character. And Charlie Brown is cool.
and if they fall off, they fall off. i have to accept that possibility. i cannot make someone else happy. i cannot keep someone else's pants from falling down.
i feel so free now! ;-)
http://www.newsfocus.org/homepage.htm
Free Movie Marquee has sections of unexplained phenomena's, mystery and history, enjoy...
http://www.septembercoup.com/movies.htm
I spent way to much time on the corner of Bedlam, and Squalor! You know, the place God hang's when he's stoned... RRR
The vacuum analogy made me laugh out loud, because I do it all the time! But, don't tell anyone. And the baggy pants? I always wonder how the walk, it seems like their belts would have to be so tight around their legs they would be hobbled. Maybe that's why there's an increased pronouncement of the pimp walk.
Overall, I would have to wonder what might motivate a politician to do the right thing? How do we exact that change as individuals?
I think that 99% of what's wrong with this country right now is coming from the people, not the leaders. People do what we expect of them. If we already think the whole country is a lost cause, what other motivation can a politician have than personal gain?
We need to demand better. We CAN believe in each other without being naive. I truly believe I am a more productive person because I work to be clear-eyed without cynicism. (I don't always succeed)
BBE, I believe that the "rat" comment from Safe_Bet came from the automatic jump from the clear statement that some people can't stand but to mess up a good thing to Obama being the Messiah. I think it's pretty clear that I don't think Obama is Jesus. With all due respect, that's a rhetorical twist that wasn't exactly necessary or factual. My reference in the tags to hope, change and politics is part of a bigger picture, which Obama is a part of.
The part of me that still lapses into cynicism believes that a lot of our problems come from the ridiculing of people who believe that we can do better. It's a large-scale replica of children in school making fun of the smart kid. Everyone has to act like they hate everything to appear intelligent. We shouldn't have to dumb ourselves down to be heard or respected. I believe we can do better and damn it, I expect better from Obama, Congress, my city council, my PTA and my peers.
What if everyone expected more and was willing to work for it intelligently?
The prisoners I see around here out on work release (which seems to mainly consist of hanging out in front of the police station smoking) wear bright orange elastic-waist pants not unlike doctors' scrubs and bright yellow t-shirts tucked in. No problem with hanging-down pants.
I'm mystified as to where this trend really got started.
Rated for inspiration.
It's like you live in my head...
Priceless advice.
That line is worth all the wisdom in the world. Awesome and entertaining post, Miss Jodi! Pretty hard to argue with.
I DO like thinking of EVERONE being forced to wear "mommy pants" (which I wear without a spawn in sight) just because.
You really articulated some of your points even more beautifully as this got going.
OS at its best.
"Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?"
I think BBE got it and I know Patrick did.
No Foodie Tuesday this week. I'm busy busy!
Jodi -- I want to hear more about the UFO! And your ghost hunting.
Among the many reasons I love Pres. Obama is his small but pointed advice to young men to "pull up your pants" (along with "parents: read to your children" and "CEOs: stop pursuing a path directed by greed.").
Re: the flying saucers: I'd love to see one, but that photo has got to be a starling house with a light attached at the base, no?
There is a conspiracy which was begun by undertakers.
This conspiracy is manifested by the medication containers which cannot be opened by those in need till it is too late.
BTW-If you brought a sewing machine to a karaoke joint, would it make you a good Singer?
That is a fantastic line. I'm not surprised it only took four posts for someone to prove your point.
Monte
Hope
You are officially the Crank-of -the-Day (Or maybe Crank-with-a-Heart-of-Gold?)
It's a fact that vacuum cleaners, besides not performing as advertised, last only about a year, after having burned out a ton of belts. And a $1,000 vacuum doesn't pick up than little thread on the carpet better than the $69 Bissell!
It's a fact that you are a very funny writer! And I studied Latin at Bryant Junior High School, so I love your posts.
And I thought I was the last optimist!