That’s it. Just “hey.”

So I ask, “Hi! What’s up?”
Next comes the death knell:
“Oh, nothing. Just called to see what you’re doing.”

…

I am often tempted by the beautiful siren of sarcasm at this point:
“Well, I was in the garage about to cure cancer with an Etch-A-Sketch, duct tape and some Fruit Stripe gum, but now I suppose the world will have to wait.”

Maybe I could tell the truth:
“I was elbow-deep in toddler poo, but now it’s more of a hose situation than a baby wipe issue. Do go on.”

In my opinion, we should revert to the “good old days” usage of the telephone.
::In my best old lady voice::
Back in my day, the telephone was used to deliver news. I am actually old enough to remember the old party line in my grandparents’ house that could fill a young lady chock full of neighborhood secrets if one were only quiet enough. Back then, if the phone rang after dinner someone had died. Before I left for college, my parents still didn’t allow me to receive calls after 8 p.m.

Today, if there is some small bit of knowledge we would like to impart, we email, tweet, Facebook or text message. Actually speaking with our VOICES to people imparts a sort of intimacy and importance to our words. I enjoy this state of affairs greatly. This means that I have several moments to construct a reply that is both kind and intelligent.

It's not that I want to contribute to the growing personal disconnection we have now in society, but when left to my own immediate devices, I often sound like an idiot. This is why I cannot abide “hanging out on the phone.” I will invariably come out with something which will make me sound like a deranged psychologist, "So, how do you feel about three-tined forks?" Horrific!

I will not be so sexist as to believe that no man has ever spoken the words, “Are you watching Guiding Light right now?” but for the most part, women are the phone offenders in my world. Yes, there are actually ladies I know who will call me on the phone and want to watch a television program together. (Inexplicably… while on the phone.) These are people who live within driving distance of my home. WHY?

Several years ago, I had one of these “phone hangers” make my acquaintance at our Unitarian Universalist Church. We have since left the UU because they were too conservative, which is probably very telling. After we parted ways, she continued to call “just to talk” but faded away after I obtained that magical service called “Caller ID.”

I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to spend two and half hours on the phone making that hanging up sound. You know the one, “(::mild lip smacking noise with a tongue cluck::) Well, I should really get some dishes done…” To which she responds, “You’ll never guess what I had for lunch yesterday!”

I ran into Ms. Phone Hanger last night at the grocery store. After exchanging pleasantries and giving her a white lie to spare her feelings as I rushed off she said, “I’ll call you! I still have your number!” I called back over my shoulder, “Follow me on Twitter!”