What follows is a love/Dear John letter to Gordon Ramsay. No scallops were harmed in the production of this article.

Dear Gordon Ramsay:

I want to love you – really I do. Nothing is more beautiful than the simplicity and strength of the recipes you give on The F-Word. (Especially that part at the end when you say… “DONE.” ::swoon::) I have followed you breathlessly as you saved restaurants in the UK with your special brand of camaraderie mixed with unapologetic ruthlessness. You are successful, assertive, smart, experienced and generally nice to behold.

Therefore, it pains me to tell you that I’m breaking up with you, at least here in America. We can continue to see each other over stolen moments on BBC America, but I’m afraid our long-term stateside fling must come to an end. Because I care, I would like to leave you with some advice to try to salvage the relationship we once had.

First, please don’t talk down to me. In the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares, proprietors are treated with a modicum of dignity before you tear them a new one. People who are truly struggling are shown – folks who have inherited businesses from their families after generations of sweat and tears. There are no 23-year-old trust fund babies who bought restaurants because they liked the idea of being Chef Barbie. There are still plenty of train wrecks in the UK version, but I don’t get the feeling that the restaurants are chosen for how likely it is that the middle-aged lady-owner will cry. There are a lot of GREAT restaurants in the US that are struggling. Help them. Leave the vanity owners to swing in the breeze where they belong.

Most importantly, please stop making Hell’s Kitchen and start unapologetically airing The F-Word on U.S. broadcast television. Why should I continue to watch Hell’s Kitchen this season? I already know that the risotto will be unseasoned, the Wellington will be overcooked and the fish will be RAAAAAWWWW!!! J.P. will look amused, your sous will be disgusted with the contestants and at some point the teaser will show emergency services coming for some reason that ends up being a stunt or an injury that won’t even need a bandage. There will be a blind taste test, breakfast will be served to mix things up and 8,000 scallops will go improperly seared. Most importantly, when all is said and done, the winner will never be heard from again – unless they end up on the show in a few years after their gig is up.

If you insist on continuing to make Hell’s Kitchen, please make it about food. There are legions of great chefs who do not need lessons on how to work a line. If you’re looking for a truly great executive chef, then have them run a line of other competent chefs in a real restaurant. If you’re REALLY looking for a great chef to run a world class kitchen, start the audition process by being sure they can actually cook.

“Top Line Cook” was boring two or three seasons ago. Put it in the bin, hon.

I want to believe we can salvage what we had.

All the best and good luck.