Mas Tortas Para Los Trabajadores

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Austin, Travis, Rep. of Tex.
March 05
Born in the oil and gas deposit-rich region of North Texas, on the fraying edge of the Permian Basin, my mother was a special ed teacher, my father, a “pumper,” a far more glamorous job among the petroletariat than the name would indicate. I managed to escape the small town that spawned me promptly after High School graduation, a modicum of sanity still intact to ride shotgun with my generous portions of anger and resentment. Some five years later, I copped a BS degree from the University of Texas at Austin. Said institution and I gladly parted ways. In the intervening 20-plus years, though my only ambition has been to have ambition, I have miraculously coughed-up a boatload of freelance articles, a couple of books of dubious merit, and a metric ton of songs of occasionally inspired quality, not to mention a paralegal certificate, 11 years of experience as a legal underling, and tens of thousands of bicycle commuter miles.


OCTOBER 29, 2010 12:41PM

HELP!!! I am Possessed by the 'Net Savvy Ghost of Jack Ruby

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Mr. Ruby on Rails
Blogger’s note: I made the mistake of heading up to North Texas the last couple of days to hang with the famille and watch the Texas Rangers make like wet bags of salt for a National TV audience. In a depressive haze,  I called my old ever lovin’ coven buddy, Chrissie, up in Delaware to ask if she was still a “virgin” and how I can use the black arts to conjure a real baseball team out of the Texas Rangers. She told me not to bother with the Rangers because there was some white hot energy in Dallas right now, and that I should meet Jimmy Fogg on Harry Hines Blvd. because it was that time of year when certain ghosts were on the prowl in the city. I knew exactly what she meant,  so I met Jimmy in a back room at Pandora’s. Some dude with horns and a yankees  cap had a smoking crystal ball that had images of naked ladies in black white doing strip routines. Meyer Lansky and Sid Richardson (at least that’s who yankees devil said they were) sat at one of the tables. Then devil boy said some hocus pocus. There was a blinding light. I woke up at my computer back in Austin and  found the  following in a Google document:

Hello you decadent soul-sucking parasites on the backs of America also known as Open Salon Readers. Greetings to  you subterranean sycophants of social shamanism, parvenus of pernicious political piety, malcontents of malicious moral miasma, revelers in rigid relativism, and libelers of luscious liberty. I bring you the truth and nothing but the truth in all its crystal clarity, so help you mighty God- and all this from a man who lived a lie most of his life. The truth? You don’t want to know the truth, really. We had an ol’ sayin’ back on the Farm that went, “Ye Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall Get you Killed.” You can say I enforced that aphorism at least once in my life.

Now, let’s get down to business, my frenetic friends of free market restraint. Let’s talk for a minute about socialism. Now I know that a lot of you limp-wristed lefty liberals types out there in  the ether known as the east and west coasts have some rather romantic notions about socialism. I know I rarely, if ever, see eye to eye with you folks, but, believe me when I say that a system of government that evenly distributes the spoils of society is not bad idea at all. In fact, it’s genius. In theory it’s the best form of government there is. But once you put it in play, it falls apart pretty damn quickly. It becomes about as worthless as a few .38 slugs unloaded into the gut of a CIA patsy.

You see, people  are greedy. They don’t wanna share. It’s human nature. Sure, it may last awhile in some situations, but eventually, some element - usually a foreign and/or culturally inferior group - is going to throw a spanner in the works by doing nothing to contribute to the public good then demanding more than their share while the culturally responsible group- the middle class - gets less and less for more and more  work. Meanwhile, the governmental and economic elites get more  powerful and rich playing the two groups off each other. Eventually the cultural inferiors start rioting while the responsibles give up, go extreme right-wing or downright vigilante. The elites just ensconce themselves in their private enclaves and laugh at it all. Either way, the  whole thing falls apart, or as my main man and fellow operative Icky Twerp used to distill it: “There’s only so much tolerance and generosity you can extend before human nature sets in and the whole enlightenment eats itself for breakfast with a dash of tabasco on top.” I still can’t figure out how that guy got out of the Hacienda and into a cush TV gig while I got stuck with the dirty jobs. I think it was because Twerp and Kunstler were tight in college or somethin’. I should have listened to my mother and gone to college.  Stupid tiny hat!

Anyway, back to Socialism and it’s inevitable failure. Let me give you Exhibit “A”: SWEDEN, or more specifically, Malmo, Sweden. I was over at Jezebel reading what the Feminazis and Anti-Sex League girls had to say about this sweet ol’ world, and the plug ignorance of a buncha broads oozin’ wetter than a hot Houston night over some “Women’s Sports Village” in Malmo, Sweden, made me stumble a bit, just the way I used to stumble over some of the bodies my boys forgot to take up to Denton County. Now I know broads can be a little swoony in the head. I can’t tell you how many times Terre’ and Bubbles made my eyes roll with all their soft-headed backstage yabberin’ about how all God’s people are equal and stuff while all that mishigas was choking the South for all it’s worth. But, ya know, all I could do was smile at them. They were livin’ dolls and boy did they bring in the cash at Carousel. What’s a Dallas Jew supposed to do?

But, anyway, these babes  are  going on about “Oh Sweden!! Oh!!  It’s so great with it’s Socialism  and higher standard of living.. blah.. blah..” I’m like Whoa!!! You chicas not read? Malmo is a slum pit of welfare tapeworms from Somalia and other Muslim Countries who like to burn shit down at the drop of a hat just like the “guest workers” aux Banlieues de Paris, and generally have no regard for the host country that clothes and feeds them. Don’t believe me?? You don’t have to be an operative to know this stuff. Check out and This is truly the Twerpman hypothesis in action. Not only do they want your money, they want your entire country as well. Good luck with that because Sweden’s own version of me has come to the rescue as you will see at and

This is what happens when J. Edgar won’t let me have a shot at Castro. We could have killed the dirty Soc once and for all. I hope you’re happy left-wing America. We’ll  get our CIA assassinations again and then you’ll never need to take off your shoes at the airport  anymore. You’ll thank me then.

That is all. Thought you should know.

The black fish eats potato chips in the library of liberty.

In America  we Sincerely Trust,

Jack Ruby on Rails
ps-- you guys never thanked me. I'm still waiting. 

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