Hello, friends.  It's me again, Billy Mays. 

I said, it's me again, Billy Mays.

I'm at the top of my lungs today to tell you about another great product you'll wonder how you did without all your life.

You loved playing with my Mighty Mendit and handling my Mighty Putty, you were thrilled when my Steam Buddy arrived and screamed for joy using my Hercules Hook, not to mention my Handy Switch and  Awesome Auger.

 So I know you’ll love  a product that will boggle your mind and astound your neighbors, yes,  a household item that can help you in the kitchen,  bath,  garden,  garage, PTA meetings and on hunger strikes.

Also,  friends,  if used wisely, you can work with it even in the privacy of someone's  bedroom --yours or a friend's. 

What am I talking about?   Why, it's The Enigmatic.

 The Enigmatic

Now, even though I'm shouting louder than you can, I can hear you asking, "Billy, what exactly is The Enigmatic?"  

We don't know! 

 Others are asking, "Billy, does it stick, steam, aug, slide, mend, parboil, clean, slice, chop, grate or steam?"

Hey, your guess is as good as mine. 

 And I can hear some of you skeptics out there wanting to know if The Enigmatic will catch fish or mice. 

Hell, it might.    It might do a whole lot of things, but damnned if we can figure them out. 

It's the ENIGMATIC, people. 

 Get it?  Of course you don't.  In fact, when it arrives you'll take one look at The Enigmatic,  scratch your head and say, "Huh?" 

 Show it to your friends, turn it upside down, put it on its side, hang it from a string, use it to play catch, connect it to your TV -- no matter what you do with it, we guarantee that you and your family will have a whole lot of fun asking -- What the fuck is this thing? 

 Friends, I already told you -- it's The Enigmatic, a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a puzzle living in a conundrum.

 I have five of them myself and still can't figure it out.  Here's how you can have one of your very own.

 Send as much money as you want to Enigmatic, address of your choice, Flummoxville, USA.  You'll be bewitched, bothered and bewildered at all the different things you might not be able to do with this incredible device, or cleaner, or cooker, or cooler or whatever it is.

 Let me yell that back at you.  Send your money to where it is I said to send it and if you act now, we'll send you, free of charge, a book of one hundred and seventy-two things we're know you can't use The Enigmatic for.   The rest is up to you.

That's Enigmatic, any address, Flummoxville, USA.   Be sure to specify color or size and whether you want the standard or professional model.  The Enigmatic -- all things to all people.  Maybe.