The View Under the Hat

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OCTOBER 30, 2009 6:32AM

No, Virginia. There are no such things as real witches

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The Young Witch Willy Pogany from FaustFor the better part of a year, I've been visiting a different religion a week to interview ministers about what they beleive in. I've tried to be polite and respectful to each one in finding out what they believe and why.

As I've been doing this project, people ask me questions. Like "What's your most favorite religion?"

This is usually followed by "So what's the weirdest religion you've visited?" I usually blow that one off. People believe what they believe, and while I don't agree with everyone (well, all of them that believe in the supernatural - as an atheist, I don't have much stock in those things), I'm not going to be knocking people for what they believe .

Then - there's the time when you read something that is so ridiculous, I can't help but call it out.

It's bad enough that you have people accusing children and elderly women are of being witches. Children are being tortured and killed. Elderly women - grandmas and mothers - are butchered.

Then we have people of such incredible stupidity, such impossible ignorance actually living in the United States, trying to bring up the specter of witches to scare people.

You have John Hagee actually saying that when a woman uses sex to manipulate a man, it's witchcraft. He goes on to say that any time a person tries to manipulate a person, whether it be children, or mothers, it's witchcraft.

That may be the single dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Manipulation is manipulation. It's not witchcraft. It's not using magical powers. It's just people being, well, people. It's people trying to get what they want. But "witchcraft"?

Seriously? Do I have to remind people that there are still people of such incredible utter stupidity that they still should follow Exodus 22:18 which says "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" and think you should actually kill people who you say are witches? The only thing stopping them being the knowledge we'd throw their behinds in jail for a long, long time?

But that's not the end of the complete level of "dumb". We also have Ms. Kimberly Daniels warning parents about the witch blessed candy:

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

What. The. Frack.

You have got to be kidding me. You have to tell me this is some kind of horrible, stupid joke.

What - is Ms. Daniels actually claiming that Hershey's employs witches to bless candy? Is that all the candy, or just the Bite Size Snickers? Or does Albertson's and Sweet Bay employ temp agency witches to "pray over the candy"?

At least with Hagee's claims that "manipulation is witchcraft", that could just be someone employing a psychotic vocabulary where "manipulation = witchcraft".

With Ms. Daniels, her claim is even worse because she's making statements of fact. To which I'll say:

Prove it.

Bring out your videos a la "Dateline undercover investigations" of witches praying over the candy. How about a special insider look at the "Witches of Werthers" who, before wrapping those little caramel bits give out a roudy "Hail Satan!"

Heck, I know some witches. They're nice people who pay their taxes, take care of their children and parents, and are just decent. I'll be happy to call them up and ask them "Do you pray over any candy to infect it with demons?"

Their answer will likely be "It's candy. What kind of a complete and utter ass would try to scare people into thinking there were legions of people trying to kill their children with demon infected candy?"

Stay tuned. I'm waiting to see how long until the stories of witch infected turkeys arrive. Nothing would make me giggle more than the mental thought of a plucked turkey dancing on my table come Thanksgiving dinner.

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They're trying to kill Hallowe'en, bless their hearts (as we say in the South, no matter the disfigurement). It's my second-favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving - turkeys doing hitch-kicks down the table. Yeah! Witches ROCK.