When I was growing up, my friends were obsessed with sports. Baseball cards (which they were certain would lead to riches to pay for college) or tracking the stats of any given team. As their fervor grew, there came to be camps favoring one team over the other.

If you were a fan of the local Portland Trailblazers, then you were “cool.” Didn’t matter if you couldn’t name a single player. Didn't matter if you were the guy who knocked over mailboxes and kicked babies - nobody could be a Trailblazers lover and be entirely bad. Everyone was excited to have the Trailblazers win any game. Wearing T-shirts, singing the songs they made up for them on the radio, talking about how awesome it would be to have them win the championships.

Of course, everyone agreed that the players from every other team (except maybe Michael Jordan, who everybody thought was awesome) were losers. They sucked. *You* sucked if you liked any player of any other team ever.

We all knew they sucked! Why? Well, because they didn’t play for the Trailblazers! They had to be rotten players, or cheated all the time, or just all around smelled bad. Like poop.

 If you weren’t a store that didn’t festoon your place of business with Trailblazers regalia, or have your employees where Trailblazers shirts, or hats, or at least a pin – well, what kind of creeps were you? Trailblazer haters, that’s what you were! If the radio of the market wasn’t turned to playing the game that night so people could rush from their cars into the store to breathlessly ask “What’s the score?”, then clearly you were simply unfit to live for the crime of being anti-Trailblazers.

And Heaven help you if you ever admitted to liking some other team, especially at school. It was like the kiss of death for your popularity. You would be shunned into Outer Darkness. Your entire family consigned into utter black holes of reputation. People would even despise your *dog* for being a Trailblazers hater.

You didn’t even have to *say* you didn’t like the Trailblazers. If you didn’t proclaim your love of the Trailblazers – well, then you still sucked. It was the Trailblazers, or nothing.

It’s not just the Trailblazers that inspire this sort of outrage. Any team anywhere in the country – I’d dare say anywhere in the world – can inspire this kind of devotion. Who hasn’t heard of Red Sox fans supportive of their team to almost violence? Or fans of Manchester United taking to the streets in rage when their team wins or loses?

Or – people freaking out because you wish them Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas?

You’ve probably heard the stories by now of American Family Association deciding to boycott Gap, Inc because they didn’t mention “Christmas” in their holiday ads. Even though at the beginning of their “Holiday songs”, they clearly did. It’s not enough, we’re told, to wish people Happy Holiday.

Nope – if it’s not “Merry Christmas”, then you suck. You’re evil. You are ignoring everything the holiday is about.  You know, the celebration of Saturnus, or the Yule Gods of Germanic lineage, or any number of things before Christians came onto the scene.

It doesn’t matter that there are several religions that celebrate that time period. See, our team is the most important one. It has the best players on it, the best colors and shirts and hats and if you don’t love it as much as we do – then you must be an awful person! And you smell bad – like poop!

The more I look at the “War on Christmas” nonsense, or really any other “if you’re not in my religion than you must be a bad person” arguments, the more I realize it’s about people treating their faith as sports teams. It’s not about using religious beliefs as a moral code to treat others more humanely, to care for the sick and the poor. It’s not about reading through religious beliefs to get some idea of what reality is, what the Divine has in store for humanity.

Nope. It’s a game with competing players, and if you’re not on *my* team, if you don’t acknowledge that *my* side is the best of them all – then you’re a big hater of my side, and I’m going to hate on all of you and your family and your business and you’re stupid dog until you do.

It’s the same attitude described by American Family Association because The Gap isn’t putting Christmas on every T-shirt they sell with a big picture of baby Jesus saying “Born of 100% Authentic Virgin!”. It’s the attitude of a town hosting a nativity set on a public square that felt that heaven forbid the local atheists group have a sign praising atheistic veterans. I mean – they weren’t even asking to take the nativity set down, just to acknowledge there were other beliefs out there.

Not good enough for that town – it was Jesus plus nothing, or nothing. And since then, people have been protesting because those mean, evil atheists had the audacity to say there was some other team other than the Trailblazers (I mean, Christianity) and ruined all their fun by making them have to take their ball and go home rather than admit another team even *exists*.

Or the family suing because a nativity set isn’t allowed in the public square any more. I mean, it always has before! Everyone knows the Christmas is the bestest greatest holiday ever, and if you don’t agree then you’re plainly evil!

I don’t mean to feel like I’m picking on just the Christians, but there is this vocal annoying subset that gets worked up every year because they feel they are the most important thing on this planet from December 1^st until December 26^th, and curse you if you feel otherwise. And I ask, with all humility, with all understanding:

Please shut the hell up.

If you’re going to attend your religion, great. Want to festoon your house with lights and trees and Jesus statues next to Frosty the Snowman and Santa offering a crib to the Virgin Mary – more power to you. Want to go to your friend’s houses and sings carols, or host a big event at your church? Swell. I’m all for it.

But if you’re going to get all pissy because I say “Happy Holidays” to acknowledge my Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Santeria, atheist, *and* Christian friends to include everyone in this time of year – you know, the time decided to “Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men” by your own religion – well, then I guess I’m going to have to take my authentic 1991 Trailblazers basketball and go play with my friends and leave you to rant and rave on your own.

Because you *suck*.