Yes, this is another list.  (I don’t care, who asked you?) 

It is just for the men though as I know nothing about women.  So women, please, just be on your way because this isn’t for you unless you’d like to leave a copy for your husband.

I’m going to share secrets with you that will change your life.  But, when I say “secrets”, you’ll say, “that crap isn’t secret at all.  My wife tells me that all the time.” 

Which brings us to number one:

  1        Listen: 

That’s right; when she speaks, she usually has something to tell you. You might learn something about the single most important person in your life. Crazy, I know.   Ask yourself right now: what’s her favorite color, her shoe size, what does she like least about her body, what household chore does she despise, paper or plastic?  You should know this stuff.  She tells you all the time.  You just aren’t listening.   

When she starts talking about tennis bracelets in November, she’s trying to help you with your Christmas shopping, Einstein. 

If you actually start listening to her, she will be so dumbfounded that she’ll say “yes” to sex just to see if you’re still listening.

 2        Don’t ask don’t tell:

Everybody likes to be surprised and pampered.  What if just once in a while, you, without your wife’s consent or assistance, arranged for a babysitter, picked her up at work and took her out to dinner? 

 Now she’s stunned.  Her defenses are down.  It’s likely you’re getting laid. 

3        If you use it, put it up. If you drop it, pick it up.  If you spill it, clean it up:

She’s not your Momma.  And, hopefully, your Momma taught you better. 

Clean up after yourself for God’s sake.

Trust me; there is little your wife finds less sexy than picking your dirty tidy whiteys up off the bathroom floor.  I can say with great confidence that this is almost universally true for all women. 

Your wife is now confused.  She’ll wander all about the house wondering what you’ve done with all the messes.  When she looks in the bedroom; now you’ve got her.

 4        Bite your tongue (or, “No, those pants do not make you look fat”): 

Nobody likes constant criticism, especially if it’s from the person they’d most like to please (that’s probably you).  If you continually browbeat your wife, she feels less sexy and thinks you’re less sexy as well. You wanna look more like George Clooney?  Quit your bitching!!

Oh, and the answer to the do these pants make me look fat question:  “of course not darlin’. But, still, they’re not my favorite.  You really look hot in that red pair.” 

5        WWAAD...what would Alan Alda do?: 

Think of all the heroes in all the movies you’ve ever seen. Yeah, the movies where the guy wins the girl.  Do you think the hero’s gonna sit on his ass watching the WWF while the girl of his dreams has to cook his dinner while sweeping the floor with a screaming baby balanced on her hip?  No, he’s not.  He’s gonna get up and gently take the broom and mini-you from his girl and tell her, “Honey, it’s probably been a long day for you, go put your feet up and let me finish dinner.  Oh, and by the way, here’s the remote.” That’s what Alan Alda would do.

You wife is now so grateful for this selfless and heroic act, that like the proverbial damsel in distress, now rescued, she has no choice but to submit to your sexual advances.

Would it really kill ya’ to do a load of laundry once in a while? 

6        Treat her like a thoroughbred; she’ll never be a nag: 

This is the same hottie that had you twisted in knots lo those many years ago.  She still needs your affirmation.  She still needs to feel attractive. She still needs to feel adored.  Her hair, her eyes, her smile, her legs, her touch, her mind, her spirit, her perfume, the list of things you can compliment her on is limitless.  She does not want to have sex with anyone that doesn’t desire her.  She has some pride, after all.  If you don’t make her feel desired, there are plenty of other guys out there who will...me for example.

If you tell her everyday how sexy she is she’ll begin to feel sexy, and you know what sexy girls like to do. 

7        The most secret weapon of all: No woman can resist this, so use it wisely.  I do not give this piece of advice lightly for it is powerful stuff. 

Every Monday or Tuesday (it’s good to change up the day once in a while just so she doesn’t get complacent) I take a small amount of time out of my lunch hour and drive over to the nearest grocery store.  They have a floral boutique there.  I buy a single long stem rose.  I take the rose to my wife’s place of employment and present it to her.  Oh, and don’t forget the little card that goes with the rose.  The card may be even more important than the flower.

The result of this action is two-fold.  One; not only is the wife thrilled that you are thinking about her but that you actually made an effort to show your affection. 

Secondly, but of no little consequence, after a few weeks of this behavior the other women at your wife’s place of employment will start to become envious of her.  That’s right now your wife’s co-workers think she’s made a better choice of life partners than they did.  Some of the women where she works might even snub her.  Your wife will secretly delight in this.  And, suddenly you are a source of pride to her.  Suddenly, she must be smart and sexy and desirable to have such an attentive and devoted man. And, every time a woman walks into her office and makes a snide comment about your wife always getting roses, she’s on her way home to rock your world. 

Don’t tell anybody I told you.