If I could list the names of every ugly woman in the world,
It would be longer than the list of the dead and wounded
From every war since the beginning of time—
It would include some of the most desirable women in the world,
Though maybe “desirable” is the wrong word—
It’s been shown in scientific studies
That even a blind man can sniff out a piece of ready tail
And even nymphomaniacs go through menopause—
Everybody drinks too much sometimes—
Sometimes we all have start at the beginning,
Which isn’t always pretty but still we’re curious as Hell
To see where it will end, if I could list the names
Of every ugly woman in the world the list would be endless—
It would be longer than the genealogy of Jesus Christ—
It would go back to the misty dawn of the volcanic earth—
When one ugly slag emerged from the slime, maybe several
Hairy beasts with tits like knots and dripping cooze—
But you can be sure it was gash some guy had to have,
Did that make her beautiful, hell, no; it made her a Goddess
Of snakes and woods and water, if she ever took a bath—
It made her clothes in Glory until she got laid
And the apples fell from the tree and she tasted dick
For the first time and said it was good and wanted more
But the man only had one and there you go,
The mother of all homely women was born—
Chasing hunter-gatherers down the street and getting pimped—
If I could give you the name of every ugly woman that ever lived
You wouldn’t want it, I’ll tell you that right now—
What purpose would such a list serve except to show you
That ugly women have existed throughout time
And that hasn’t slowed down time one bit—
Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Eleanor Roosevelt, Amelia Earhart,
Miley Cyrus, Kesha, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta,
To name just a few you might have seen and looked away from
So your eyes wouldn’t be permanently damaged, no,
You just closed your eyes and thought beautiful thoughts
To the ugly sounds coming from ugly mouth through the Autotune
That makes everything more ugly until you don’t know what’s what
Like a kaleidoscopic telescope bringing everything up close
And confusing it with everything else, honey,
You don’t know what ugly is but I’ve heard it is as it does—
But really, where would I begin, at the end,
With the last ugly woman on earth, she’d be a prize to be sure—
So there you go, count yourself lucky to among the millions
That roams the earth like scaly prehistoric creatures
But you’re not going anywhere; ugly girls are here to stay—