I have this habit of making friends with gentlemen. Sometimes I go out on dates with them. Sometimes we just happen to meet socially... in the end, they always just become my friend. no benefits. no sticky boundaries. no bedtime gratification.

 

Not to say that some of the dates didn't start that way (pre-platonic friendship)... Is it weird that a couple of my closest friends have seen me naked? Not if I don't think about it too much.

 

I used to be a serial dater. I was that girl who was totally in love with the idea of being in love, so all I wanted to do was find Prince Charming. I was coming awfully close to going from serial dater to serial slut... and not even on purpose. These were my college days. Luckily, I had a brain check, a reality check... and reigned it all in before things went overboard. saucy tease became smart ass amiga.

 

I started searching for my boy wonder at 13, but gradually took it more seriously at 15, 16, 17, (without the "sexy" involved, I might add, thanks...) and broke my first boy's heart at 18... but by then, had already had mine stomped on several times.  

 

At age 22, however, if I had thought that my heart had been broken before... this one was equivalent to getting my heart carved out of my chest with a rusty edged spoon, then dropped to the floor like a crystal vase. it shattered into the tiniest shards, you couldn't ever imagine. 3.5 years later and I'm still finding slivers laying about.

 

Lately though, my search has become a lot less exciting. I keep my life pretty tame these days. I just lost a bit of myself from the last break up. the idea of possibly having to repeat that feeling was just far too messy and terrifying. It's been a running joke lately that my bicycle is my current boyfriend, which is probably far more depressing than I'm acknowledging. 

 

Not to say that I'm a converted nun. I still go on dates. I go on more than I think people realize, but I'm a picky sort of girl. It takes a lot for intrigue to kick in... I'm no dummy. I learned how quickly I can fall in love, within a heartbeat... but I've gotten much better at falling quickly back out to save my ego and future crystal shards.

 

It's why I've got so many male friends. theyre almost like a nice replacement... a safety net of love instead of  being 'in love'. if i cut and pasted my favorite parts of them together, i'd probably have a perfect man... but i like having all of them instead, even if it means not getting laid.

 

I trust them more than girls. They appreciate my lack of drama, my intelligence, and my female perspective. I appreciate their lack of drama, their intelligence, their male perspective, and their respect to not jump my bones. 

 

I still... on blue moon days, have my moments of weakness. A rom-com will dig its way into my buried thoughts and remind me how much I adore cuddling, spooning, and all night conversations. A recently engaged amigo/a will make me reconsider my future... force me to picture my made up, 6footplus man with good hair, gorgeous eyes, and great teeth... my above average intelligent man who is most likely left handed, passionate for the arts and a sport of some sort... my boy wonder of adoreableness who has found faith, family and friends... and my biscuit king who is witty and fun, and loves me in the end just for being plain, analytical, slightly frantic and complicated me. yeah... sometimes, i have my moments...

 

... but i always go back to normal the next day.