After the comments on the Madoff piece, a friend named Faith (I love the irony or grace of that) suggested that I write another blog to explain that the forgiveness piece didn't just come out of the blue and I'm not one of Madoff's wives who get to keep my million dollars. I've never even seen a million dollars and won't make that in my lifetime. My vocation and work experience  has mainly been in the non-profit sectors, music/artistic venues or churches. Not high-paying jobs ever. My mom had tried to talk me out of all of them because I would never make enough money to survive as a "single"person or a woman without a man.

When I get the social security statement that tells all the money I've earned in 33  years of working (I started working with a work permit at 15), I now see what she meant. By the time I'm 65,  we all know that social security will be gone, but it wouldn't help me anyway. I'll be working till I'm in the grave. Lucky for me I like to work (so this unemployment is really getting on my nerves). I give this brief history to point out that I've never been wealthy. The few times I've had decent jobs (think 27k-33K) I was working in the city at a job I hated, but had to work there to pay off college loans and debts from trusting the wrong person. 

Many people were angered that I would dare use the word "forgiveness" in the same piece as writing about Madoff. As a person who has always been on the side of the poor and the underdog (they aren't always the same), I was glad to see that Madoff got charged and that he will be imprisoned. When I spoke of forgiveness, I mentioned that by no means did I mean that we let Madoff and thieves/abusers like him off the hook. What I had hoped to convey was my concern and hope that the victims would not allow Madoff to have the rest of their lives. Yes, they will think about it every day for the rest of their lives.

 I know from my own experience of being scammed out of $20,000 (equity in my house), my pension and all the while the thief got off with merely threatening to shoot me. When I spoke to the attorney, he told me it was a waste of my time and since the thief had stolen all of my money, my identity and also ruined my credit, there was no way I could afford an attorney and besides what she stole from me was just a little in  his viewpoint (a psychiatrist later told me I was lucky it wasn't more...she knew worse stories). This scam happened right after the Lutheran Church ousted me as a pastor for coming out as an open lesbian. Already in pain, I lost every bit of money and savings I had and I still owed $29,000 in seminary loan. Did I mention that the thief stole my identity? That means that in addition to the money she stole I also had to pay bills she ran up using my name.

A few years pass with my hoping for salvation of some sort. Forgiveness crossed my mind but not my heart. When all of that happened I began to look for a "real" meaning to forgiveness, not just church mumbo jumbo. Moved out to Oklahoma where I met another person who used me, not quite a thief, but I was so gullible and too trusting and ended up losing what the first thief didn't steal.  This time the toll was my entire library of seminary books, all possessions that I could not get into a UHaul trailer to get back home in NC. I was staying in a hotel with the measley money I had and then lost the temp-to-hire job. That day, Sept. 30, 2002 (a Wednesday I think) I was one day away from being homeless. I had no money, no job, no car, just my friend's truck and 4 dogs. My parents, a barber and a secretary, saved me. They saw what was going to happen and realized their daughter would be homeless so they rented a house for a month to give me time to find a job. They saved my life.

Forgiveness was not even a goal at the time, survival was all my mind could handle. Then, as I found a job the anger grew and at some point I realized I felt murderous towards the ones who had stolen from me. I got counseling, but still prone to trust the wrong  people, I erred again and lost even more until in 2005 I rented an apartment and had only a car, my guitar and one cat and one dog. From that emptiness I eventually bought a bed. Then a friend loaned me a table. Other friends gave me things from their bounty. The hurt was unbearable and my anger felt justified. The thieves and liars who had conned me out of the money were no more repentant or sorrowful than Madoff. In addition, there was no justice. When I finally stood up to the last crazy person, she tried to get me fired from my job.  That was about the time I thought I would try alcohol instead of forgiveness. It was clear that my Christianity was a farce and forgiveness not realistic. 

I had researched Buddhism, early Christian Mystics, Sufism and Wicca for some insight into forgiveness. They have some great ideas, but none of them touched on my pain or delivered me from the anger and hurt at how I had been robbed of financial livlihood and my own dignity.  So many told me it was "about TIME" I got angry that my anger felt justified. Forget forgiveness I was finally pissed. Friends and family were tired of seeing me used and abused. I began studying Reiki, but when I continued to have a problem with anger, a lack of forgiveness and was still worried about how to pay my bills,  I stopped my practice. I could not live up to these Principles of Reiki:

Anger at others or oneself or at the whole world, creates serious blockages in one's energy. It is the most complex inner enemy.

Reiki is an excellent tool to remove anger blockages which have accumulated in the body over years, but it cannot remove the residue of current anger which occurs daily.

Letting go of anger brings Peace into the Mind.

While anger deals with past and present events, worry deals with future ones. Although worry is not always a negative phenomena, endless worries may fill one's head, and each one bores a small hole in one's body and soul.  Letting go of worry, brings healing into the Body.

 III - Just for today, I will be grateful.

Be grateful from your heart inward. Inner intention is the important element in this principle. Simple things as thanks, forgiveness, smile, good words, gratitude can improve others life and make them happy.

Being thankful brings Joy into the Spirit.

Support yourself and your family respectably, without harming others. Earn a respectable living, live a life of honor.

Working Honestly brings Abundance into the Soul.

Honor your parents, honor your teachers, honor your elders. Being Kind brings Love into the Will.

At least during this time, I did my counseling work and my doctor put me on antidepressants. Life improved a bit.  I saved some money and again had a pension. I met someone lovely and kind and moved to the moutains. Then, in October 2008, I suddenly, without warning lost my job. Was it because I was asthmatic or 47? Who knows. I was furious with my former employer and filed an EEOC complaint. There had been no warning in any way that my job was in jeopardy. Then the pension I had tried to build up again was spent paying bills off while I looked for a job.  Lost my health insurance and so there went the anti-depressants. Withdrawal was hell. Finally have been able to get asthma medicine so I can breathe (thanks to DogWoman's kindness and guidance). It's eight months later and I still don't have a job. I still battle anger at the unfairness of it all.

Here's the thing. I don't have a clue what forgiveness is, but I want to know. The anger and the worry only brings depression that aggravates existing health problems and causes new problems. I want a working definition of forgiveness that one day I can share with others so that they too might have a glimpse into a life that is not imprisoned by anger, worry and unforgiveness.

One Christian author had said that "forgiveness is to give for" which meant nothing to me. Wikipedia tells us "Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.^[1]"

 The problem with all of these definitions is that none of them deal with the feelings that accompany the offense or loss. No one can replace the things, events, integrity and trust stolen so grief is mixed up in with anger, hurt, and fear. You don't stop hurting, needing money to pay bills or get past betrayal by speaking the words "I forgive." There is no magic in the words.

The closest concept that has helped with with forgiveness has come from Pema Chodron's book "Practicing Peace in Times of War" where she talks about getting "unhooked".  She first explains what she means by being hooked:

The Tibetan word for this is shenpa. It is usually translated "attachment," but a more descriptive translation might be "hooked." When shenpa hooks us, we're likely to get stuck. We could call shenpa "that sticky feeling." It's an everyday experience. Even a spot on your new sweater can take you there. At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down. Then we feel a sense of withdrawing, not wanting to be where we are. That's the hooked quality. That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us. 

In reading the book, I recognized my inability to forgive. Then I began to visualize myself "unhooking" from the person causing pain. The next week, when I read the book again and met another person causing me challenges, I had to visualize taking that person's hooks out of me. Then, as if the universe wanted to test me, I realized that sometimes we have to pray "help me unhook from this craziness, I cannot do it alone." That is not a definition, but it is a practice that is leading me towards an understanding of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not about letting anyone off the hook, but it's about becoming unhooked from the poison that will destroy the rest of your life. Those people who caused me harm could care less about me. I know for a fact they have moved on to scam and con others. To continue to hook into their craziness these twelve years later does me no good. Tonight I started this article and then went to meditation at my church and the scripture was Jesus telling the disciples to "shake the dust from their feet" when they were wronged from others. Whatever works so that you can become "unhooked" is that which leads to forgivness. Forgiveness is not about giving others a break, it's about choosing this moment in your own now.

I am the first to admit that I have no understanding of forgiveness and I come from a family where forgiveness was not a practice. I want to learn forgiveness because 12 years later I know the other paths cause me harm and destruction. I want to learn forgiveness to share with my family  and friends. Forgiveness is not a definition, not a simple magical phrase, but a practice. I'm not good at it, don't know what it is, but I want to know. I want to know what it means to let go of those people unkind to me so they don't haunt me anymore. I want to know what it means to be free from the guilt I carry that things would have been different if only I had listened. I want forgiveness for others, but  have to be truthful that most of all, I want it for myself. A life of vengeance has only made me sick, angry and bitter. I don't want to be that. I want to be more. I want to live in the goodness that is now.

When I started writing this blog I suddenly heard Van Morrison singing Enlightenment in my mind. You can substitute the word "Forgiveness" wherever the word "Enlightenment" is found and get a sense of where I am...but that's not where I want to be.

Enlightenment

^{by Van Morrison}

Chop that wood
Carry water
What's the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don't know what it is

Every second, every minute
It keeps changing to something different
Enlightenment, don't know what it is
Enlightenment, don't know what it is
It says it's non attachment
Non attachment. non attachment

I'm in the here and now, and I'm meditating
And still I'm suffering but that's my problem
Enlightenment, don't know what it is

Wake up

Enlightenment says the world is nothing
Nothing but a dream, everything's an illusion
And nothing is real

Good or bad baby
You can change it anyway you want
You can rearrange it
Enlightenment, don't know what it is
Chop that wood
And carry water
What's the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don't know what it is

All around baby. you can see
You're making your own reality. everyday because
Enlightenment, don't know what it is

One more time

Enlightenment, don't know what it is
It's up to you
Enlightenment, don't know what it is
It's up to you everyday
Enlightenment, don't know what it is
It's always up to you
Enlightenment, don't know what it is