I’ve been hazed.  And not the fun, waking up with skinned shins and writing all over your face kind.  “Would you mind helping me today?” he says.  “No big deal, you can just hand me the shots and have everything ready.”  Hmmm. 

Now, I’m already a bit leery of his sweetness in asking things like this.  When we were first dating, I went out to see him in Carmel Valley.  “Would you like to take a drive around the ranch?  At the very top, you can see all the way to Santa Cruz.”  Why, yes!  That indeed sounds lovely. 

Wait a second, why are we stopping here?  In these trees?  By this creek?  Oh, maybe he’s trying to be romantic.  Come with you?  Sure.  Umm, this is not romantic.  Trees are slapping me in the face.  “Are you taking me here to kill me?”  Is that a good laugh or a menacing one? 

You want me to hold what?  This wire with all of the sharp things poking out?  Why would I do that?  I have an aversion to being poked.  We have to do what?  Seriously, what about me makes you think I’m in the habit of fixing fences or even know what that entails?  I’m wearing white shorts!  Oh, okay.  Blood comes out of all your clothes?   

He has a habit of doing this and I’m on to him.  So with this recent request, I went along knowing I could be in for more than I bargained for.  Wow!  I was correct in my assumptions. 

We had to vaccinate our pairs.  Well, we have to vaccinate all our cattle.  Some came to us sick and we lost a few.  Apparently, there is also something in the ground/feed that is deadly, but can be vaccinated for and they become immune.  Now, we would have vaccinated them anyway, just in the spring when we’ll do the branding. 

We are not set up for this at the moment.  Let me repeat that.  WE ARE NOT SET UP FOR THIS.  The pairs are at our lease and there are some ramshackle corrals there.  And by corrals I mean random boards that form a few squares that have been there since the beginning of time.  You want to make a cutesy picture frame out of old barn wood?  Come on down – we have plenty.  Just be careful as it may disintegrate right in your hands.  And this, my friends, is supposed to contain forty 1100 lb. animals and another forty 200-300 lb. calves?  Yeah right! 

So, Paul set out to reinforce what he needed to.  Specifically the “alley”.  Think of, well, an alley.  It gets skinnier and skinnier (technical term) until it dead-ends in to a small gate.  The very front of the alley, at the dead-end, is where we would administer the shots – in theory.  One for cows and three for calves in the neck just above the shoulder.  He used iron posts to support the boards that were there and then added 12-foot iron panels with four or five rails going through them.  “Think that’ll hold ‘em?”  I would think so.  That one just let me pet it.  Why are you rolling your eyes?  "I'll go bring them in."

Oh!  That’s why you rolled your eyes!!  Um, can we still have children?  Do you really need ribs anyway?  Have you ever seen those rodeos and the bucking bulls?  Apparently, cows are partial to this method of defense also.  We would send two or three up the alley and then give the first one the shot.  Until they banded together and squeezed side-by-side in about a two foot space.  Did you know that cattle have nothing on Superman?  They can contort iron just by one little kick.  Yes, that was me on the other side of that rail.  This is NOT what I signed up for.  Was that actual shrapnel?  You need what?  I’m on the ground! 

This is going to be a long day.  That was only cow #1.  Maybe we should try it one at a time?  Blank stare.  “Fine.”  He’s pacifying me and that’s okay.  Nope!  Hey, that fucker just kicked through the panel and the boards and well, I’m sure I’ll be fine with just the one knee.   

“Let’s try this.”  We scrap the alley and use a hinged gate to squeeze the cows into a corner one by one.  Once they move into the corner, he “closes” the gate on them so they are pinned.  I hand him the shots, he administers them – somehow properly, and then they’re on their merry way.  Needless to say, this took two days - one for the cows and another for the calves.  But, they’re happy and healthy.   

I wish I had pictures of the actual happenings, but alas, I was on my ass.

Yes, I took a beating and there’s the possibility of remaining childless due to the self-defense classes the cows took.  But, beef – it’s what’s for dinner.  And it was the best steak I ever had!

Hot grill with a little olive oil.  ROOM TEMPERATURE steaks.  Santa Maria seasoning (salt, pepper, parsley, garlic salt). 6 minutes a side for med-rare; 7 minutes a side for medium.  Yum!