Last week on Glenn Beck’s radio show, Chuck Norris made a proclamation, he wants to be “President of Texas”.  As OSer Ric Caric pointed out, Beck is calling for a rising up of the disenfranchised.  Blaming tragedies, like the one in Alabama, without a blink of that weird  close-up shot of an eye, on Democrats.  Beck suggested that these factions would come from, where else?  Texas. 

Norris then went on to blog about it.  Stating, “That need may be a reality sooner than we think.”  I’m sorry, what?  There’s a need for Chuck Norris to be the President of Texas?  I must really be out of the 635 loop. 

Now, of course, for him to become President, Texas would need to secede.  Don’t worry; he’s calling for that too.  Here’s the deal, Chuck, while we may joke about Texas being its own country – it’s just that, a joke.  For ten years, Texas was on its own.  Ten years in the 1800s.  Here’s how Norris interprets the Texas Constitution: 

On March 1, 1845, then-President John Tyler signed a congressional bill annexing the Republic of Texas. Though the annexation resolution never explicitly granted Texas the right to secede from the Union (as is often reported), many (including me) hold that it is implied by its unique autonomy and history, as well as the unusual provision in the resolution that gave Texas the right to divide into as many as five states. Both the original (1836) and the current (1876) Texas Constitutions also declare that "All political power is inherent in the people. … they have at all times the inalienable right to alter their government in such manner as they might think proper."

Yes, Chuck we “Remember the Alamo!”  It’s been ingrained in us from the time we could read as kids growing up here.  Texans have a strong will and a fighting spirit.  It’s that fighting spirit that you’re clinging to.  He goes on to call for “thousands of cell groups to be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation” to watch a live telecast of “We Surround Them” hosted by his buddy, Glenn Beck.  (I decided not to post that particular webisode, you can view it here) and instead post Beck’s first broadcast in the series.  This is from February 4, 2009.  Obama held the office of the President for a mere 16 days.

Are there really thousands upon thousands of Americans, particularly Texans, that are so ready to follow Beck?  He’s creating a cult plain and simple and Fox is broadcasting it across the nation.  He is seriously trying to draw a line in the sand.  A duel.  Calling for a gunfight.  What better place than Texas for that, right?

Chuck says, “Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that. As Sam Houston once said, ‘Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may.’”

So we have two right-wing freaks – one, planning on legions of followers and another, who can interpret the Texas Constitution to benefit the former.  WTF?  Really.  WTF?

Norris refers to a quote by John Adams.  “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people.”  What religion is that?  The Church of Glenn Beck?  So, because I’m not religious, the rights under the Constitution don’t apply to me?  Conversely then, do I not need to obey the laws set forth there?  Sweet.  I'm totally low on cash.

Chuck, you are not an actual Texas Ranger.  You played one on TV.  It was a character.  Perhaps you’re a method actor and forgot to switch back to Chuck Norris?  Dude, the show’s been off the air for almost eight years.  You’re not even an actual Texan.  You were born in Oklahoma.  You’re just setting yourself up for a whole birth certificate controversy – but maybe your magical beard will just take care of it?

So, let’s say your plan works and we have the “Gunfight at the Ft. Worth Stockyards”.  What then?  I mean, what are the laws under the Republic of Norris?  Will we need a passport to go to Louisiana?  Imagine what this does to Colorado and New Mexico.  Ski resorts everywhere will fold up without all us Texan yahoos taking over.  Do I have to buy an acid-washed jacket and rip the sleeves off it?  My husband is losing his hair, how will he ever be able to grow a mullet?  Could that offense be punishable by jail-time?   Will our new greeting be “Hi-YAH!!” as opposed to the completely stereotyped “Howdy”?  Can I roundhouse kick that bitch who cut me off in traffic?  Are camel toes and chest oiling only mandatory for men?  Will beards become the new black?

Ah, so many questions.  One last one though, how’d that Mike Huckabee campaign work out for you?  Perhaps you should stick to your “talent” of exporting pain.  I wonder if you’ll need a passport for that too…

Gotta run.  I’m calling Neil Patrick Harris to see about getting this mole removed.