Julie Tarp

Julie Tarp
Born and bred in Texas. I'm a Screenwriter with a script currently in Development in La-La Land. Met and fell in love with my husband who is an actual cowboy. We have a 140 head cow/calf operation. He does the hard work, I just write about it.


FEBRUARY 11, 2010 2:53PM

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Rate: 37 Flag

Um, yeah, hi.  I was just wondering, what's the deal?  I know you’re upset because we all have giant diesel trucks, but we can’t help it.  We need them.  As it turns out, towing capacity is actually a real thing.

We really do care about you.  Honest.  Our cows have been proven to improve the land on which they graze.  I know, I know, cows fart.  But, there’s also something like seven billion people walking around.  I’m sure they have a little something to do with methane emissions, no? 

But, the cows really are ill equipped to deal with what you are doing around here.  First, you bring us nothing but rain.  Fine, so it’s a little muddy.  (And, by “a little”, I mean people are getting actual tractors stuck.)  But, we can deal with it.  Then, you decide that that mud should be ice instead.  Sure, we have a sledgehammer, we can break it.  Hips too.  Oh, more rain?  Really?  I thought we were friends.

But this time, you have just gone too far.  You see, our cows and their brand spankin’ new calves are from the south.  They’re southern in every way possible.  They moo with a drawl.  They don’t understand this sudden white stuff falling from the sky.  Sure, cows live in Nebraska and, of all places, Canada.  But they are from there.  They are acclimated to actual winter.  Ours aren’t accustomed to this any more than I am.  (I just wore flip-flops outside if that tells you anything.)

Normally, cows have babies and then they leave them after a little bit.  It takes a lot out of them to go through that labor, you know?  So, they stash it some place or leave it with a friend like a babysitter while they go for water or food.  Your friend, Paul, just brought a two-hour old calf into the garage because her mother was too busy hiding to go back for her.  Wanna know how fast newborn calves are up and at ‘em?  I fixed the little thing a bottle and proceeded to approach her in the most motherly way possible.  I guess she didn’t like the look of her nursemaid because she pawed the ground and charged; head-butting me directly in the hoo-ha.  So, thanks for that too.

All I’m asking is could you please let up?  We aren’t built for this.  We really wouldn’t mind a fighting chance here.  We dealt with your wrath of dripping wet heat this summer.  But enough all ready!  There’s no way you can justify this one.  I don't want to seem fickle, but please don't make me break up with you, especially since Valentine's is only a couple days away.

Love (for now)


Bring cushions inside

Yes, I know I should’ve brought those cushions in a long time ago. 

I should not be seeing this


I should not be seeing this.


See any cows?  Me neither.




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Oh my God, "They moo with a drawl." This makes me happy. And that you went out in flip-flops. Well, no, it doesn't make me happy that you froze your feet, but that you, in February, had every expectation of being able to go out in flip-flops.

I had to go out today, and couldn't find the snow brush thing I had when I lived in Western Pennsylvania (since I haven't thought of it five years), so I wound up using a brush attachment for the vacuum.

How did Paul even know where to find the calf?
You should put some snow on that hoo-ha before it swells.
I can look out my window and see the same thing as you. What's the problem? Oh, I live in Connecticut and you don't. It sucks to be you. Hope it doesn't get cold and those diesel trucks need block heaters. You should google block heaters, just so you know what they are. Rated. My condolences on the snow.
The snow is awesome here!!! Just wish the wusses at the Japanese gardens would open up. Ridiculous!
Em - I can't believe that Dallas hasn't just completely shut down by now.

He noticed because she was going around to other cows trying to nurse.

Surly - Always thinking!

Cat - It's true, I don't always think things through.

Janie - They do indeed. More of a snarl - like Elvis!

::writing pitch now::

L&P - Right? I'm so lazy! I would video them, but they are revolting against me. And after my lady parts incident, I'm steering clear. Ha! "Steering" hahahaha I kill me!

Bonnie - I have an aversion to cleaning poop off things. My husband is enough.
OE - I totally know what that is! We actually plug the truck in every night, which is a pretty odd sight to see. Send me a jacket!

Harry - Totally lame. I bet it would be gorgeous!
They actually told me they've been getting phone calls all today for people wanting to come. Arrrgh! Don't they know the only way I can get double digit ratings on my blog is with pretty pictures??
Ah memories. I am so glad I don't have to go out on spring calf patrol anymore. And when you are going to feed a calf you have to straddle them, hold their head from behind and make them drink from the bottle. How I hated that.
Harry - You know the driving situation though, they may just be saving your life. We can't drive when it rains! (Don't be jealous of my double-digit "10" rating and pretty pictures.)

Donna - You should! I have maybe one picture when I was little and it snowed - a good snow - in Dallas. Have fun while you can. But, yeah, stay home. "Is daddy wearing a diaper?" Hilarious!
Ocular - Yeah, Paul had her like that but she pawed and broke free. Spirited little sucker! I swear we've had everything thrown at us this calving season. At least they keep popping out on their own though. I used to feel so bad for Paul when we were in Oregon, he'd be out all night in it. But, I will still never understand why this is "spring" calving. It's freaking winter!
hoo-ha's can take a lot of abuse, but last i looked, head-butting wasn't on the list. caaaaaaareful there.

don't send the pics to any r/w nutjobs. they'll use 'em to say "see, it's cold. therefore, the globe ain't gettin' warmer." brilliant folk, they.
You have my sympathy Julie - but that's about all I can spare. Too busy digging out of the second 15 inch plus snow fall in 5 days here Penn's Woods. I do hope those cows get acclimated soon and you may want consider one of those rodeo clown barrels next time you attempt to bottle feed that calf :)
femme - I imagine that's what the neighbors are saying right this very minute.

smithery - Luckily the riding lawnmower was there. And, yeah, I can't compete with what y'all are going through. Stay warm!
Oh, this is so funny...cows with a southern accent...love it! Hope things will improve soon. You definitely need Wellies!
M - Like I'm leaving the house! No way.
Well, How's the weather? Here we get five days of cold followed by two days of damned cold with snow. Fortunately the north wind is running around thirty so none of it stays long in one place. I've often wondered where it goes after it blows off of my yard. Not so much that I would do more than wonder about it from inside the house. Right now around here the weather is so screwed up (notice that I did not use the F word no matter how much it applies) that even the jack asses stay inside the barns. I have been enjoying the two hundred dollar water bills from having to leave every faucet in the house running, not for the night or even a few hours, but for weeks. On the bright side a two foot snow would probably collapse my rickety old house. So I guess it isn't that bad. ;)
Wow - your photos look so familiar :) Our Nebraska cows haven't started having babies yet, but the "Spring" calving party should be coming up soon. If it's any consolation I was up at the feedlot while they were notching some ears for DNA samples and one ear was so frozen the whole tip fell off!
Bob! I wondered about the water bill thing too. Ours were like that on and off last month. I don't even want to see the electric - bloodsuckers! Hope the roof stays on and out of the living room!

Blue - Ours have been dropping since January. I'm really glad how tight they are. Since we bought them last year and whoever pregged them should either have their license revoked or just doesn't know size - they were really spread out. Paul used to tell me stories about ears falling off. So crazy!
Big ratings for cows who "moo with a drawl" and getting head butted in the "hoo-ha". Hmmm...good thing your cows don't live in my mom's WY neighborhood. They'd get laughed right out of the ladies club for being wimps.
I loved the "They moo with a drawl" line, too. You funny girl. I should point out that while your cattle may not be acclimated, things could be worse. In ND, after a blizzard, ranchers go out baseball bat in hand to break the ice from the faces of their cattle, but oftentimes, they are too late -- the cattle have simply frozen to death or suffocated because they couldn't breathe.

And people wonder why I got the hell out of Michigan years ago.
Fantastic post, Julie! I can just hear your poor fair-weather cows mooing with a drawl, their little udders dragging in the snow that isn't supposed to be there.

"Damn, it's cold!" when "damn" has three syllables.

Love it!
Crazy weather! Poor cows. Poor you in your flip-flops. :(
Baaaa Haaaa - Laugh out loud funny! I'm so sorry for you and the calves that it is snowning there. So very glad it is NOT snowing here in NC! (yet)
OK, fine, I'll change the weather for you. Endearingly funny, rated.
Moo with a drawl! I love it!!!
Julie, this is really funny. Can't commiserate too much because I have been inside for five days myself and I am damn crabby! Hope the hoo-ha is ok, because there ain't a lot to do on snow days....
Yer a honest-to-god Texas Girl thang --- walkin out in snow wearin' flip flops. (Just practicing my drawl here)
I would kill for the snow, as ski season is a little barren up here in New England. Can you tow me behind your diesal trucks since there are no hills?
Melissa - I know, I know - they're babies. Just like me!

Tom - Yeah, they've got some crazy stuff up there. Paul thinks I didn't research weather patterns thoroughly enough when we decided on this place.

Froggy - Ha! That's about right. Thanks

Lisa - Texans shouldn't really be allowed to leave the house from December-February.

Lockyer - You must have been extra super nice to Mother Nature. Tell me your secret!

Thoth - Finally! Whew!

Tiger - Thanks for dropping by!

Rita - That's an excellent point. I hope I took surly's advice early enough.

Skel - It's true. Plus, aren't we almost in shorts season? I'm so confused.

And it won't stop!
Woolly - Totally! Well, of course I'll let Mrs. Michaels drive though.
"I just wore flip-flops outside if that tells you anything."

...you sound positively Californian!
Winter skipped us in the PNW, at least it did where I am. Haven't even had a frost since the second week of December, and the buds on many things are about to burst open (sorry to rub it in).
There are cows in New England. They give ice cream instead of milk in the wintertime. Why do you think Ben and Jerry's is located in Vermont?
ttfn - It's true. The husband tries to ingrain it in me.

Blondie - Pfft. Didn't y'all have a really bad one last year though?

OE - What a good idea. I'll go out right now and milk...I mean ice them.

Stellaa - Right? Damn liberals - don't they see how cold it is?
I feel for you, Julie. But, as a confirmed city dweller, I like the snow. It makes everyone slow down. Yesterday, I had a four-hour meeting get cancelled. Now, that is a gift from Sweet Mother Nature.
Funny post, Julie. I guess it is all in what we get used to, what is "supposed to be." 'Course nothing is like it is supposed to be. Around here we got a total of 20" in 5 days and while we are still digging out it is nothing to the 45" plus just 400 miles east of us. Someone always has it worse. Take care of that little calf. Its starting out in a pretty strange world. ;-)
This was just funny well except the hoohaw thing...that was hilarious! Great tale.
Oh man! You got sucker punched! In the hoo ha! By a cow! I'm laughing WITH you.
Have you seen your ads lately, btw? HAHAHAHAHA Wholesale Tarps for Sale! HAHAHA. You now have to pick me up from the floor.
Come to sunny Massachusetts!
Frank - Buttering up in case she can read, huh?

Monte - My grandparents in Iowa just told me about that! That's crazy. You're right, as always, someone always has it worse. 45" - where do you even start digging out from that?

angrymom - I get that alot - the laughing with me bit. I wonder why? lalalalala

I know! I hate those ads! On the upside, need a used Ford truck?

Con - Shall I bring my bikini?
gawd - you ought to punch mother nature in the mouth with that bad ass ring in your tiara pic! poor babies. poor you. our weather is stable - just a little cold. hang in there and wear a cup.

ps - jodi was batshit crazy before you did that ... but this should send her over the edge :) Kudos! (i've been trying for ages.)
Would you kill me if I told you we already have our daffodils coming up? Spring has come early to the PNW. Taking pictures to prove it today.

Enjoy the snow. ;)
I love the image of the calf head-butting you!
don't worry about little bopee, eat lamb
I know you'll think I'm crazy but I'm kinda jealous ... It doesn't snow in my little part of the world and I would love to experience a White Christmas at least once in my lifetime.

But, for the sake of your cows and your feet (can't bear the thought of you trudging around in snow in thongs (that's what we call 'flip-flops' - yeah, I know, funny to you eh?), I hope it eases up over there real soon.