Um, yeah, hi.  I was just wondering, what's the deal?  I know you’re upset because we all have giant diesel trucks, but we can’t help it.  We need them.  As it turns out, towing capacity is actually a real thing.

We really do care about you.  Honest.  Our cows have been proven to improve the land on which they graze.  I know, I know, cows fart.  But, there’s also something like seven billion people walking around.  I’m sure they have a little something to do with methane emissions, no? 

But, the cows really are ill equipped to deal with what you are doing around here.  First, you bring us nothing but rain.  Fine, so it’s a little muddy.  (And, by “a little”, I mean people are getting actual tractors stuck.)  But, we can deal with it.  Then, you decide that that mud should be ice instead.  Sure, we have a sledgehammer, we can break it.  Hips too.  Oh, more rain?  Really?  I thought we were friends.

But this time, you have just gone too far.  You see, our cows and their brand spankin’ new calves are from the south.  They’re southern in every way possible.  They moo with a drawl.  They don’t understand this sudden white stuff falling from the sky.  Sure, cows live in Nebraska and, of all places, Canada.  But they are from there.  They are acclimated to actual winter.  Ours aren’t accustomed to this any more than I am.  (I just wore flip-flops outside if that tells you anything.)

Normally, cows have babies and then they leave them after a little bit.  It takes a lot out of them to go through that labor, you know?  So, they stash it some place or leave it with a friend like a babysitter while they go for water or food.  Your friend, Paul, just brought a two-hour old calf into the garage because her mother was too busy hiding to go back for her.  Wanna know how fast newborn calves are up and at ‘em?  I fixed the little thing a bottle and proceeded to approach her in the most motherly way possible.  I guess she didn’t like the look of her nursemaid because she pawed the ground and charged; head-butting me directly in the hoo-ha.  So, thanks for that too.

All I’m asking is could you please let up?  We aren’t built for this.  We really wouldn’t mind a fighting chance here.  We dealt with your wrath of dripping wet heat this summer.  But enough all ready!  There’s no way you can justify this one.  I don't want to seem fickle, but please don't make me break up with you, especially since Valentine's is only a couple days away.

Love (for now)

Julie

Yes, I know I should’ve brought those cushions in a long time ago. 

I should not be seeing this.

See any cows?  Me neither.