This week’s episode begins with Jake once again going on and on about how he was “Mr. Dateless in high school.”  We get it.  Poor Jake was a nerd back in the day - he was picked on.

Courtesy:  Life & Style

 I don’t know, he doesn’t look any different than anyone I went to school with.  Then again, we’ve seen him dance.  Maybe it was the coordination issue that girls had a problem with.  Plus, maybe he was just as boring then as he is now.  Girls do like guys who can actually talk.  At least, I do.

The cast and crew descended upon St. Lucia as the romantic destination for Jake to decide upon the final two girls.  It’s gorgeous.  Hell, I’d consider being a contestant just for that with the weather we’ve been having lately.

They immediately cut in to show Ali who left the show to pursue her job last week.  She’s clearly in a hotel room with Jake’s publicity photos on the bed stand.  She says she’s heartbroken and is going to “fight for him”.  She “can’t imagine life in San Francisco without him”.  I don’t know, what changed with her employer in a week that she can now be on the show?  I think she’s a drama queen.  It worked last season for Ed on the Bachelorette – he even ended up “winning”.  So, maybe that’s what she’s going for.

Back on St. Lucia, Jake’s first date is with Gia.  She kinda sneaks up on him as he’s overlooking the water and what ensued was a rather awkward hug thing - the same reaction as if maybe a guy had done the same thing to him.  They head to Gros Islet and the local market.  It’s touristy for sure.  They drink from coconuts and stop for street musicians who play with found objects.  I really don’t need to see Jake dancing ever again.  Ever.  Oh, yeah, and Gia is stoked to see the “natives hanging out”.  Oh my. 

Oh no they di-n’t!  Jake tells us he just has to “take a leap of faith” with Gia.  Cut to:  Jake and Gia, hand in hand, jumping off a dock into the ocean.  Gag.  At least disguise the cheese factor a little bit.  Please?

It turns to evening and Jake and Gia head to Smuggler’s Cove.  Tee hee.  Smuggler’s Cove.  Anyway, they have dinner on the beach and Jake says he finds himself wanting to take care of her, but he wants her to open up.  He says she’s “very deep” which she proves in the very next sentence that starts with something like, “like, really, like, you don’t even know…”  Yes, very deep, Jake.  She returns the compliment after Jake tells her his “heart is open and in the right spot.  I’m looking for someone who will make my dreams theirs and their dreams mine.”  Who have these people been around to think that’s profound?  Gia tells him she’s never met a guy who has said half of what he just did.  In that one sentence?  Wow.  Who has she been dating?  Napkins?

Anyway, after dinner, they head over to a hammock that is suspended from a rock cliff and hovers just above the water.  It’s actually pretty cool.  The conversation seems a little forced with Gia not really giving a whole lot.  She says that when she looks into his eyes, she gets lost.  I’m thinking that’s a regular occurrence that isn’t reserved only for Jake.  He mentions her eyes and the water rushing under their feet, and then pulls out the card for the Fantasy Suite.  Yes, nothing like running water and a hammock to get a girl’s pants off.  My favorite part is when she acts surprised to read the Fantasy Suite card.  Have they never watched the show before?  It happens every season.

Of course, she says yes and they head to an amazing room that’s bigger than my house.  Rose petals everywhere.  I mean, everywhere.  Thinking it’s a hot tub, they opt for the bathtub with their bathing suits and we leave them to kiss on their own.  Thank you for leaving, ABC.  Really.

Jake’s next date is with Tenley where they have a weird, spastic greeting.  You guessed it; up they go in a helicopter to tour the island before setting down on an old sugar plantation.  The plantation is cool.  The mill looks like old ruins now with vegetation taking over.  They have a little picnic and then decide to go exploring.  Wow, their exploration took them to a beach!  Gee, didn’t see that coming.  They claim it’s black sand, but it really looks like a dark brownish sand beach. 

At dinner, Tenley tells us she hasn’t been with anyone since her ex-husband and he was the only guy she’s ever been with.  But, she’s falling in-love with him and the same goes for him.  They get up to dance and Jake tells her he just wants to “sway back and forth” with her.  Smooth.  Then, it goes something like this:

Jake:  I want to dance with you forever.

Tenley:  You can dip me forever.

Julie:  ::barf::

When he pulls out the Fantasy Suite card, he's really excited.  He says when they kiss “there is a passion there”.  Where?  I can’t see it.  She takes him up on the offer and they take a dip in the room’s private pool.

Okay, this next date is actually pretty awesome.  Vienna and Jake get to go out on a pirate ship.  The one they used in Pirates of the Caribbean.  Dear lord, Vienna gives him an eye patch and he keeps the other eye closed too.  Seriously, he doesn’t open it until she has to tell him to.  Really, there are no words.

After a make-out session complete with face licking, they get to fire the cannons.  My husband is now thinking about applying for next season.  I tried to tell him they wouldn’t do the same thing again, but he’s not convinced.  “Or, what if – what if – they do something even cooler.”  I remind him that he’s married but am only met with, “But I could be a pirate!”  Good thing he’s pretty.

They are playful together and Jake seems to be the most relaxed around Vienna.  He takes out his fake sword and makes her walk the plank, literally pushing her off with it.  Kinda funny. 

Ooh dear, now they are attempting to recreate the beach scene in From Here to Eternity.  You know the one, when they roll around and kiss while the waves crash over them?  Yeah, it’s not going as well as I’m sure the producers had imagined. 

At dinner, Jake questions Vienna on wanting marriage and kids.  She wants to be married now, but wait a few years for kids.  He asks her about engagement rings – what she likes.  Her eyes light up at this.  She wants to know if he can see her as his wife and he says he can.  Oh, that’s nice.  Time for a mood killer.  Jake tells Vienna that he’s fallen for all three of the girls.  Tell me, Jake, why are you single again?  It apparently doesn’t bother her and she tells him she’s in-love with him.  They head back to the Fantasy Suite and she changes into some wedding night white lingerie.  And with that, the bedroom doors shut.  Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Just before the rose ceremony, Ali calls.  She wants to come back.  Ugh.  Jake doesn’t look very stoked though; more confused than anything.  She’s “sorry”.  She’s really trying to work it here, but he doesn’t seem to be coming around.  There.  Thank you.  He “doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”  He’s “moved on”.  With that, Ali wipes away non-existent tears and stares out the window for effect.  Good on ya, Jake. 

As Tenley, Gia and Vienna wait for their fate on a cliff overlooking the water, Jake watches video messages they each made for him.  Boring.  Get on with it already.  Ahh.  Thank you.  Tenley gets the first rose and tells him she missed him while she accepts it.  Gia totally thinks she has this in the bag; she’s got a smirk on her face that just won’t quit.  Oops, it’s gone now.  Vienna gets the other rose.

As he’s walking her out, he tells Gia that he developed stronger feelings for the other two.  She knows she didn’t open up soon enough, but it was hard for her because of her past.  But, she exits with class, telling him he has “two great girls” and she’s happy for him.  He “made the right decision”. 

Back with the last two standing, Tenley and Vienna, Jake says he can see his “future wife in both of them”.  They clink their champagne glasses and he tells the girls they’ll go to another part of the island next week and his family will be joining them. 

Next week is the “Women Tell All” reunion episode and I hear there’s some stuff that goes down with Roslyn, the gal who was kicked off for messing around with a producer.  Yay!  Maybe now there will be some sparks!

The finale previews are interesting.  It seems like Jake makes both the girls cry and there’s the obligatory shot of him, head hung, leaning over a railing.  But, don’t be fooled – they’re just trying to trick you!

Article also posted on www.realityfishbowl.com

*screencaps courtesy of Dreamer