Julie Tarp

Julie Tarp
Born and bred in Texas. I'm a Screenwriter with a script currently in Development in La-La Land. Met and fell in love with my husband who is an actual cowboy. We have a 140 head cow/calf operation. He does the hard work, I just write about it.


Editor’s Pick
MARCH 2, 2010 2:14AM

The Bachelor Finale: Sugar vs. Spice

Rate: 27 Flag

Tonight’s show was touted as the most dramatic in Bachelor history.  I’m beginning to think they’re in on the joke. 

Still in St. Lucia, the show starts out with the all-important meeting of the parents – Jake’s parents.  Tenley is first and of course they love her.  Why wouldn’t they?  She says all the right things.  She wants to know how his dad pursued his mom.  The dad tears up at this and I throw up just a little bit.  I mean, sure that’s sweet and all, but I think this gal may be laying it on a bit thick.  But, they love the Disney character that is Tenley and by the end of the visit, Jake’s mom is sure she’s met her future daughter-in-law.

Before Vienna’s visit, Jake makes the mistake of mentioning that all the girls in the house hated her.  The women pounced.  Immediately.  They didn’t like her before they even met her.  Jake felt guilty for mentioning something negative before they had a real chance to get to know her.  Man, was he right.  The women were cold.  The preconceived picture they had of Vienna came through loud and clear.  Jake’s sister-in-laws fired questions to her about the other girls not liking her which Vienna took on the chin.  They later said they couldn’t believe she would just bring that up.  Um, she didn’t – you did.  Ah, semantics. 

Later, while Jake’s mom is telling him that she just doesn’t think Vienna “meshes with the family”, the sisters grill Vienna in another room.  She doesn’t seem fazed one bit and eventually they are all laughing.  I’m pretty sure that Vienna has been through this before.  And, of course, by the end of the night, the whole family, including Jake’s mom, comes around to viewing Vienna in a different light.  Comparing the two girls’ visits, I felt like Vienna just seemed natural; not putting on airs and Tenley appeared like she lives in la-la land.

The last-ditch dates arrive with Vienna spending time with Jake first.  They rub mud on each other in some smelly sulfur spring.  Rotten eggs sure beat jasmine in the romance department, no?  They wash themselves off in a waterfall that just so happens to have a bottle of champagne next to it.  Can you imagine their glee?  I wish everywhere I went I found a bucket of champagne.  Or beer.  Or whiskey.

They head back to her room where she gives Jake a present.  It’s the promise ring her dad gave to her.  It’s kinda weird.  The ring doesn’t represent purity or virginity or anything like that, and I really didn’t ever catch what it actually does represent.  Anyway, she gave it to Jake and then they made out.

The next date is with Tenley and it begins with them running into each other’s arms, spinning around and kissing.  You know, that move that no one ever does in real life because someone gets hurt?  Yeah, it’s just that cheesy.  They take to a yacht for a day of snorkeling.  I’m totally jealousing, I’d love to dive there.  Oh, I guess this isn’t about me.  Whatever.  Once they’re back on board, Jake looks like he’s struggling with something and needs to talk.  He tells her that he feels there’s an emotional chemistry between them, but “no crazy, mad, passionate love”.  She looks devastated and tells him she thinks it’s supposed to go slow.  I’m not sure she understands this is her last date with him.

Jake meets back up with Tenley at her hotel room and she tells him that she wants “to have fun, but…” then she asks him to explain what he said on the boat.  He says, “blah, blah, blah…I’m sorry…blah, blah, blah…”  She responds with, “Thanks for sharing.”  Although not in the way I might have.  She gives him her present, which is a shadowbox with pictures of the two of them.  She explains each and every one of them to him as if he’s not also in the picture or can’t remember what happened yesterday.  Then, they start making out.  Well, I wouldn’t so much say making out, more like kissing as if they are related.

  this is how i think

What?  You don’t sit on ledges without your shirt to make important decisions?

So, now we get down to it.  Helicopters, of course, pick each of the girls up to meet their destiny.  Which one will land first and be heartbroken?  Tenley!  Aw, this isn’t going to go well.  Ew, she doesn’t have a good cry face.  Poor thing.  She just keeps asking him why?  “What am I missing?”  They’re both in a tough spot.  He has to be real with her, but I imagine he doesn’t actually want to hurt her any more than he already is, and she just needs to understand why she wasn’t chosen.  Jake basically tells her it felt forced and didn’t come naturally.  Ouch. 

As Jake finds the nearest rail to lean on, Tenley says “good-bye to the St. Lucia sun.”  Apparently, she’s heading into total darkness.

the railing

I love you rail.  Will you marry me?

As it turns out, the spoiler I read was right, and Vienna makes her way across the bridge to her prince charming.  But wait!  Instead of giving her a ring – the ring – he’s giving her promise ring back to her.  Well, maybe this will be dramatic after all.  Nah, something about it not being about pain.  I’m a little confused.  Anyway, he tells her he loves her “with everything I have” and gets down on one knee.  He pops the question and I don’t hear the answer because my husband is shouting, “Say no!  Say no!  Just once, someone say no!”  I assume she said yes as they are doing that spinny, kissing thing.  In all fairness, they look truly happy.

Oh wait!  It’s a montage of Vienna and Jake with On The Wings of Love playing.  The music lulls and comes back to the pair.  Jake asks if she’ll accept the final rose and as she does, the music swells to an unimaginable decibel.  Totally awesome!


The happy couple:  Vienna and Jake

That's right, spice wins every time.

Following the finale of the show, they went directly into "After the Final Rose" which is where the jilted gal gets to confront the bachelor who ditched her.  They are always still very upset, even though it's been like three months and they actually "dated" for what, six weeks?  Of course production has them watching the finale again just for good measure.

Tenley and host, Chris Harrison's talk starts out nice enough.  "We loved you.  You're so nice.", etc.  He asks her how she is - she's "emotional".  Then, it's "here, let's take a look back" at the exact moment your heart was crushed.  "What's that like, watching it again?"  For the second time in a row.  "What hurts the most?"  Um, that she didn't get picked?  "Sounds like you have issues.  Want to see Jake?"  Wow.  Nice bedside manner there Chris.

When Jake comes out, she kinda clings to him a little bit.  She's pretty touchy-feely with him.  She asks him to help her understand what it was that she was missing.  He can't put it into words.  She wants to know about the physical part.  "There just wasn't a spark."  Now, I saw a little twinkle in her eye here and I think he said exactly what she wanted.  She came back that she felt sorry for Vienna because they did have a physical connection just before he was pledging his devotion to Vienna.  Hmm, did she just say that they had sex?  I'm thinking so.  She came off looking a little desperate but Jake just said they'd "be friends for life" as he backed away from her a bit more.

Once Tenley was gone, the conversation turned to Vienna who has been taking a beating in the tabloids.  I guess it doesn't bother Jake in the least.  "She's my baby and we live a fairy-tale every day."  Aww.  My fairy-tales often involve ex-Hooter's girls too!  But, he's stoked she's going to be his wife and that's all that matters here.

As Vienna comes out to be reunited with Jake, I'm relieved to see she finally got her roots done.  Seriously.  It's all I can look at.  Well, she also got a new haircut that looks less mullety.  Double plus.  Asked of their plans, she's moving to Dallas immediately and they are going to start their normal life together.  Well, good luck to ya Jake and Vienna.  Don't snicker but they actually do look like they're in love, so I hope it works out for them.  And I hope she keeps up with those roots.

What?  After all this you still want more Jake?  Well, guess what?  Today's your lucky day because he's going to be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars.  It's like ABC is all Jake, all the time.  I'm afraid they've lost me on that one.

Oh yeah, Chris Harrison also announced who the Bachelorette would be on the upcoming season.  Yep, it's Ali.  Apparently, "America has fallen in love with her."  Really?  I didn't.  But, hey, whatever.  I'm sure she'll be perfectly fine until she has to leave taping to return to her job.

There you have it folks, happily ever after.

Article also posted on Reality Fishbowl.









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I was crying with him at the railing... it was so moving... and then I pushed him over it and watched him tumble to his death... Oh wait... what were you talking about?
At some point, one of those railing's ain't gonna hold him.
My neck hurts, believe me, emo. Merciful reprieve is right. I imagine OS is just as thankful.
Spice is nice.

Finally...a man doesn't do the "perfect fit" thing. What's so great with the perfect fit? How boring.

I thought he would ask Tinley but I was grateful he asked Vienna. I'm glad she won - I liked her all along. She was real.

And, yes, the roots. Indeed.
Yes, yes, yes and yes. And oh yes, Ali. What? This was the first time I was actually glad they went straight into an "After the Final Rose." It explained a lot, and redeemed his choice.
On the one hand, I'm appalled that they are here. But at least if Vienna's here, she can get the help her hair so desperately needs. Because if there's one thing we know how to do in Dallas, it's blond hair.

I caught about two seconds of this last night on my way to watching The Big Bang Theory (Sheldon goes to jail for telling a traffic court judge he's at the kiddie table of his profession, won't apologize until he spots the facilities: a stainless steel bowl in front of a bunch of criminals, then goes over to Stan Lee's house for an autograph because the rest of the guys got there's while he was simmering in the hoosegow. That's what you missed, you're welcome).

The real hero in all this is your husband, for watching with you. Unless he's doing it just find the contact info to get on the show.
I never watch this stuff, but there was so much hype about the good girl, bad girl that I actually did have a sliver of a wonder what the heck did happen. Thanks for providing that update. This was very fun to read and I was laughing out loud at some of it. You nailed it. Rated.
Sparky - I don't know if it's because I knew who he picked at the end with the first episode or what, but I didn't mind her at all either. He seemed relaxed and himself with her and I'm assuming that's something you should look for in a partner - reality show or not.

Kathy - I was glad they did that too. Especially with what Vienna's been taking in the rags, I was curious about their relationship now. He seems like he's got his head in the right place. and, yeah, Ali? Don't worry everyone, I won't be doing a recap of that.

Em - I was thinking that same thing, at least she'll be able to find a decent salon now.

I love the Big Bang Theory and while Paul humors me, he does guilt me that he can't watch it - even though we have other rooms he could go to. You could be on to something there though. I'll have to keep my eye on the outgoing mail. He was a little too excited at the thought of going on a pirate ship.

WAH - I don't know if they just edited it like that because Vienna had issues with the other girls, but I thought it was odd that the mom's first question to her and Tenley both was about getting along with the sister-in-laws. She seemed a bit preoccupied with that. But, I'm glad they all finally came around. I imagine it's tough to walk in there and meet your potential future in-laws and feel the chill of a preconceived notion. I agree, I think he needs someone like Vienna to break him out of his shell.

Sheila - Thanks! As you can see, the hype didn't really pan out.

L&P - Teabaggers invade everything! Now even baby names! Seriously, that made me laugh.
I think they're going to have to at some point, Dorian. They aren't ever even dramatic. He picked a girl. Just the one. Isn't that the point? Thanks for stopping by. Glad I could be of service.
I think they are perfect for each other. Been watching the show a long time and this was my fav season.

The Linden Method
Now I'm sure I'm glad I don't have a TV.
Dave - Yeah, I kinda think they are a good pairing. Thanks for coming by.

Ofeelya - I kept thinking that maybe this would be it, but evidently the rating went through the roof this season. I have no idea why though. It was incredibly boring.

CK - Want me to recap Frank's Basement Affair for you? You'll never by a TV again. Even though you probably won't anyway. What do you do all the time? Read? Pfft.

Karin - Paul was on his knees begging for the next Bachelorette to be Michelle. I totally would have watched that! I feel the same about Ali, something's just off with her - she doesn't really seem to have a personality, but I guess they got away with it this season.

I thought Vienna was kinda trashy too, especially compared to some of the other girls. I'm thinking going back to brown hair wouldn't be a bad idea. I do think she was a good choice in the end. Tenley lives in some dream world where everything is perfect and has stars and hearts around it. I feel bad about her divorce, but she's probably not going to find that perfection she's looking for and I don't know how a guy would be able to handle her for very long. Vienna had it spot on, "She dreams in cartoons." It's impossible for anyone to live up to her ideal of real life.

And yeah, that thing with Vienna's hair - at the end it looked like a full-on mullet.
Remember you promised me this was your last season of watching this HORRIBLE show. Move on to Jersey Shore or something.
I never watched a bit of this one. I remember when it first came out though. I had a few drinks, and there was a ripened banana on the counter. I picked it up, and gave it to this drunk chick. Will you accept this over ripe banana? That's all I remember. Thanks for the laughs. You are great.

You have been rated by the Official Kilgore Trouth of OS.
Surly - I hear they're moving to Miami Beach! Total trainwreck. I promise, I won't be sitting through another installment. Unless...are you trying to use reverse psychology on me?

Ronnie - Does that mean I get to be a Rangerette?
Last night I caught just the helicopter arrivals and proposal. Had it not been for your recaps I wouldn't have watched...and after I thought, "I should have just read about the finale...Julie is so much more entertaining." At least I got filled in on ALL I missed. (nothing!)

R for your tenacity.
Ha! Thanks, S. Since I knew who won at the beginning of the season, I think that's the only thing that kept me watching. I wanted to see if it was correct or not. I kept thinking maybe something dramatic would happen. Nope. Thanks for stickin' with it!
I gave up weeks ago. They were all too gross for me to keep watching, especially when they kissed. Yuck. You, on the other hand, must have a stomach of steel.
Julie you are already the head--rangerette in my book.
I was glad I took some anti-nausea medication before fast-forwarding through the finale. Ga-a-a-ck! He clearly chose the woman who could be his "baby." But, yeah, it was too hard not to watch. Your photo captions are hilarious! So do you think barenaked Jake will do well on DWTS? He may be buff but moves awkwardly. Anyway, thanks for the trashy treat!
It's true, muse, I do. It's like it's so oddly entertaining that I can't stop.

Aw Ronnie. ::blowing whistle:: Now get back in line!

Deb - Yeah, he doesn't have the best moves, which I think probably contributed to his singleness. I can't bring myself to watch that show, but I'm guessing he'll be out pretty quick. Glad I'm not alone in my love for the trash!
I can't help it--I really was moved at the end. I could not stop myself from crying and then I was laughing so hard because I was actually crying when the cheesy theme song was playing. They truly look happy together. I also noticed right away that Vienna got a new stylish haircut--what a difference. Thanks for this hilarious recap!
This is one of the most boring programs I have ever seen.

and, I felt myself getting stupider during the fifteen seconds that I watched it.
I didn't watch last night. I knew how it turned out, and I hate the whole last episode every time. Maybe Vienna's a bitch, but more likely she is simply strong and opinionated. I hope they are very happy together!
He chose Vienna because he thinks she's hawt and he can't wait to get in her pants. He loves Tenley, but he's not IN LOVE WITH her. No spark means his pecker isn't pointing in the right direction when he's with her. Guess he couldn't say that... but he knew it fer shure.
I can't wait for next season.
I have never seen the Bachelor (and no, it's not like Jerry Seinfeld and the Melrose Place lie detector test), but I love your posts!
Great re-cap! I'm a little embarrassed to admit I watched the entire season.

And I am so disappointed with ABC's choice of Bachelorette. Ali is a mean girl. Did people forget that? I hope whoever she proposes to, says NO. Karma baby.