Tonight’s show was touted as the most dramatic in Bachelor history.  I’m beginning to think they’re in on the joke. 

Still in St. Lucia, the show starts out with the all-important meeting of the parents – Jake’s parents.  Tenley is first and of course they love her.  Why wouldn’t they?  She says all the right things.  She wants to know how his dad pursued his mom.  The dad tears up at this and I throw up just a little bit.  I mean, sure that’s sweet and all, but I think this gal may be laying it on a bit thick.  But, they love the Disney character that is Tenley and by the end of the visit, Jake’s mom is sure she’s met her future daughter-in-law.

Before Vienna’s visit, Jake makes the mistake of mentioning that all the girls in the house hated her.  The women pounced.  Immediately.  They didn’t like her before they even met her.  Jake felt guilty for mentioning something negative before they had a real chance to get to know her.  Man, was he right.  The women were cold.  The preconceived picture they had of Vienna came through loud and clear.  Jake’s sister-in-laws fired questions to her about the other girls not liking her which Vienna took on the chin.  They later said they couldn’t believe she would just bring that up.  Um, she didn’t – you did.  Ah, semantics. 

Later, while Jake’s mom is telling him that she just doesn’t think Vienna “meshes with the family”, the sisters grill Vienna in another room.  She doesn’t seem fazed one bit and eventually they are all laughing.  I’m pretty sure that Vienna has been through this before.  And, of course, by the end of the night, the whole family, including Jake’s mom, comes around to viewing Vienna in a different light.  Comparing the two girls’ visits, I felt like Vienna just seemed natural; not putting on airs and Tenley appeared like she lives in la-la land.

The last-ditch dates arrive with Vienna spending time with Jake first.  They rub mud on each other in some smelly sulfur spring.  Rotten eggs sure beat jasmine in the romance department, no?  They wash themselves off in a waterfall that just so happens to have a bottle of champagne next to it.  Can you imagine their glee?  I wish everywhere I went I found a bucket of champagne.  Or beer.  Or whiskey.

They head back to her room where she gives Jake a present.  It’s the promise ring her dad gave to her.  It’s kinda weird.  The ring doesn’t represent purity or virginity or anything like that, and I really didn’t ever catch what it actually does represent.  Anyway, she gave it to Jake and then they made out.

The next date is with Tenley and it begins with them running into each other’s arms, spinning around and kissing.  You know, that move that no one ever does in real life because someone gets hurt?  Yeah, it’s just that cheesy.  They take to a yacht for a day of snorkeling.  I’m totally jealousing, I’d love to dive there.  Oh, I guess this isn’t about me.  Whatever.  Once they’re back on board, Jake looks like he’s struggling with something and needs to talk.  He tells her that he feels there’s an emotional chemistry between them, but “no crazy, mad, passionate love”.  She looks devastated and tells him she thinks it’s supposed to go slow.  I’m not sure she understands this is her last date with him.

Jake meets back up with Tenley at her hotel room and she tells him that she wants “to have fun, but…” then she asks him to explain what he said on the boat.  He says, “blah, blah, blah…I’m sorry…blah, blah, blah…”  She responds with, “Thanks for sharing.”  Although not in the way I might have.  She gives him her present, which is a shadowbox with pictures of the two of them.  She explains each and every one of them to him as if he’s not also in the picture or can’t remember what happened yesterday.  Then, they start making out.  Well, I wouldn’t so much say making out, more like kissing as if they are related.

What?  You don’t sit on ledges without your shirt to make important decisions?

So, now we get down to it.  Helicopters, of course, pick each of the girls up to meet their destiny.  Which one will land first and be heartbroken?  Tenley!  Aw, this isn’t going to go well.  Ew, she doesn’t have a good cry face.  Poor thing.  She just keeps asking him why?  “What am I missing?”  They’re both in a tough spot.  He has to be real with her, but I imagine he doesn’t actually want to hurt her any more than he already is, and she just needs to understand why she wasn’t chosen.  Jake basically tells her it felt forced and didn’t come naturally.  Ouch. 

As Jake finds the nearest rail to lean on, Tenley says “good-bye to the St. Lucia sun.”  Apparently, she’s heading into total darkness.

I love you rail.  Will you marry me?

As it turns out, the spoiler I read was right, and Vienna makes her way across the bridge to her prince charming.  But wait!  Instead of giving her a ring – the ring – he’s giving her promise ring back to her.  Well, maybe this will be dramatic after all.  Nah, something about it not being about pain.  I’m a little confused.  Anyway, he tells her he loves her “with everything I have” and gets down on one knee.  He pops the question and I don’t hear the answer because my husband is shouting, “Say no!  Say no!  Just once, someone say no!”  I assume she said yes as they are doing that spinny, kissing thing.  In all fairness, they look truly happy.

Oh wait!  It’s a montage of Vienna and Jake with On The Wings of Love playing.  The music lulls and comes back to the pair.  Jake asks if she’ll accept the final rose and as she does, the music swells to an unimaginable decibel.  Totally awesome!

The happy couple:  Vienna and Jake

That's right, spice wins every time.

Following the finale of the show, they went directly into "After the Final Rose" which is where the jilted gal gets to confront the bachelor who ditched her.  They are always still very upset, even though it's been like three months and they actually "dated" for what, six weeks?  Of course production has them watching the finale again just for good measure.

Tenley and host, Chris Harrison's talk starts out nice enough.  "We loved you.  You're so nice.", etc.  He asks her how she is - she's "emotional".  Then, it's "here, let's take a look back" at the exact moment your heart was crushed.  "What's that like, watching it again?"  For the second time in a row.  "What hurts the most?"  Um, that she didn't get picked?  "Sounds like you have issues.  Want to see Jake?"  Wow.  Nice bedside manner there Chris.

When Jake comes out, she kinda clings to him a little bit.  She's pretty touchy-feely with him.  She asks him to help her understand what it was that she was missing.  He can't put it into words.  She wants to know about the physical part.  "There just wasn't a spark."  Now, I saw a little twinkle in her eye here and I think he said exactly what she wanted.  She came back that she felt sorry for Vienna because they did have a physical connection just before he was pledging his devotion to Vienna.  Hmm, did she just say that they had sex?  I'm thinking so.  She came off looking a little desperate but Jake just said they'd "be friends for life" as he backed away from her a bit more.

Once Tenley was gone, the conversation turned to Vienna who has been taking a beating in the tabloids.  I guess it doesn't bother Jake in the least.  "She's my baby and we live a fairy-tale every day."  Aww.  My fairy-tales often involve ex-Hooter's girls too!  But, he's stoked she's going to be his wife and that's all that matters here.

As Vienna comes out to be reunited with Jake, I'm relieved to see she finally got her roots done.  Seriously.  It's all I can look at.  Well, she also got a new haircut that looks less mullety.  Double plus.  Asked of their plans, she's moving to Dallas immediately and they are going to start their normal life together.  Well, good luck to ya Jake and Vienna.  Don't snicker but they actually do look like they're in love, so I hope it works out for them.  And I hope she keeps up with those roots.

What?  After all this you still want more Jake?  Well, guess what?  Today's your lucky day because he's going to be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars.  It's like ABC is all Jake, all the time.  I'm afraid they've lost me on that one.

Oh yeah, Chris Harrison also announced who the Bachelorette would be on the upcoming season.  Yep, it's Ali.  Apparently, "America has fallen in love with her."  Really?  I didn't.  But, hey, whatever.  I'm sure she'll be perfectly fine until she has to leave taping to return to her job.

There you have it folks, happily ever after.

Article also posted on Reality Fishbowl.