My youngest daughter, Em, is a funny,beautiful,intellectually creative young woman, who rescues the cast offs of society, the human refuse, bottom of the barrel garbage, whom she is convinced she can save from the demons who send these people screaming into the night. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has been diagnosed with bipolar tendencies...whatever that means.
Each relationship of which she's been a part, has been a co- dependent tangled sex fest. She validates herself by believing she is helping her partner recover from the fear of the monsters that live under the bridge that connects reality and psychosis.
Her newest stray has made his way to her doorstep, rolled over in submission and begged for his belly to be rubbed. She complies, promising a new life of happiness and euphoria. But mostly they play hard, two, maybe three days nonstop. No food. No sleep. Just liquor and lots and lots of cocaine. She thinks I don't know, that I can't detect the tells that come with a head full of white powder.
Since his rescue about 6 months ago, the psycho has been arrested 3 times and is currently waiting to go to trial for arson. He burnt a car right down to it's steel skeleton and then assaulted the cops that were arresting him. Can you guess who owned the car that he lit up? Yup, you got it and Em is currently without an automobile. Yet she stays with this madman! No matter the amount of begging her father and I do, no matter the amount of bruises she has from the grabbing and choking, she STILL STAYS with him!
Which brings us to tonight. Cue real time. They've taken a vacation and are currently in Key West, Fla. The phone has not stopped ringing because Em is scared to death of this sociopath. He has ripped up her purse and her suitcase, believing she had taken his drugs. He had her by the throat, choking her until he realized what he was doing. She is sobbing uncontrollably when she calls and it's difficult to know what is alcohol induced exaggeration or reality. She begs me not to call the cops, which is my next course of action, until she begs, please no cops, please. I have not called police, but I have called a cab to pick her up and bring her to another motel.
She is safe for now. Tomorrow I will book a flight out of Key West. She will have a long day traveling alone; hopefully she'll find no strays on her journey.
I am afraid for my daughter. I feel helpless and saddened that I am failing her and my heart aches with despair that love just isn't enough to always keep them safe.
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One of my daughters is bipolar, but thankfully her strays were less spectacular and these days she lives quietly (medicated)...
I hope your daughter gets past all this before too long (and too late).
Brenda- yes I had a cab pick her up and bring her to another motel.She needs to sleep some and in the a.m., i'll get her home.
Myriad-Have you ever heard the term 'bipolar tendencies'?
Her medication makes her gain weight and she's been thru the eating disorder chapter for years now.
Jane- I know I should call the cops, but Im afraid she's holdin' and she'll end up getting arrested!She' supposed to call me back about 3a.m.. I'm happy thgat you're having fun on your blog! I'll take a look and it'll probably make me feel better ;-/
Julie- Thanks so much for the caring comments. You're all good people.
Mean Mr Mustard- I dread the potential reality at the end of that thought. For now, she is safe and tomorrow is another day! Thanks so much for the feed back
I'm so sorry that you and your family are living through this right now.
Self medication of this sort is harmful, not only to the self medicator but to the family and friends.
I will send good thoughts her way. (And yours.)
good for you getting her a plane ticket out of there. i know you have to be crazed. you are in my heart and my prayers. i wish this had come up on my fucking feed earlier. love love lvoe
Yeah, need to get her home, then go from there. Added you and daughter to my prayers. ~hug~
I also suggest that she change every single thing in her life. Coke is particularly nasty, and all her habitual behaviors that seem unrelated will, in fact, act like magnets drawing her back in if she tries to quit. She will need to create an entirely new life. Try treatment, and then a nice, long trip to a distant and foreign city for a reality check, and then she should relocate to a new city altogether (ideal senarios!). Best of luck to you all.
Substance abuse and bipolar disorder is a terrible combination. Since I was diagnosed in 1985, I have only ever had one drink at an occasion. I hope she could see a good psychiatrist to figure out what is going on.
Theo-Thanks for the inspiration! She has tried different meds , but as soon as she started putting weight on, that was it!The weight gain was used as an excuse to use the coke, which is ridiculous!
m.a.h-Thanks so much for your kind words. I can use them, believe me Don't be sorry, please, please.
Sometimes in trying to be moms it seems we are constantly moving from one disaster to the next with one or more of them. I certainly feel that way often. I would find someone who can help this child. And take her there often. I feel for youJunk1. Some times loving your child does not seem like enough, but it helps.
After a child becomes an adult, a parent cannot be there 24/7. They do things on their own. I would definately get a restraining order, as Michael says.
As a parent ....just do what you can, follow your instincts.
Sorry about this J
I'm torn. I've had two kids, one somewhat bi-polar, the other adolescently acting out and now both at a young age seem to be on the right track.
How much, though, did we enable both early on, by saving them, pulling their feet out of the fire and rescuing them? I don't know. THere's a fine line operating in that dynamic. I wanted to cut bait on the adolescent bullshit one, but but my wife reasoned me out of my angry tantrum. Bi-polar is a different animal, requiring medical and emotional support ... but I digress.
Here, I think, we have a life threatening problem, no different from when someone calls to say a murderer is in my house and I need help, come over.
By all means call the EFFIN' police. But that means that your daughter will have to press charges. When the dust settles, will she do that? When the dust settles, will she not give into whatever psychological need she feels to return to that kind of life?
Of course, there are long term rehab places, which would be the first thing I'd try to do, if she is willing and if you have the financial resources to do that.
Barring that, if she refuses to press charges or returns to that kind of life, my feeling is that it's time to let her go. If that behavior continues, your daughter is MIA. Gone. As painful as that is, there's nothing you can do. Only SHE can.
I'm so sorry to have to say that, but you wanted opinions.
God bless you and her. I only have good thoughts and prayers for both of you.
Bipolar and cocaine is a deadly combination. It was wise of you to send the cab and get her to a hotel, but time is of the essence before she finds her way back to him. If she does not take the flight home, you probably should call the cops. She is not thinking or acting rationally right now and is in no frame of mind to make a responsible decision when it comes to her own safety.
Others have offered excellent advice as to what to do once she's home, but I'd like to toss one more into the mix. Since she is so caring and compassionate, perhaps doing some volunteer work once she's rehabilitated herself would scratch that itch for her? It sounds like her strays are bringing her to their level, rather than allowing her to elevate them up from the bottom.
I'll be sending you lots of good, strong mama-bear thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how things work out for her.
Given your daughter's intelligence and creativity, see if there a way to channel all those positives into something productive and useful -- volunteerism, as Lisa suggested -- something that could possibly be as self-fulling as she find drugs to be.
She may object to some of the "side effects" of those meds, but the side effects of not taking them are that she's being terrified, physically abused, her property destroyed, and god knows what else. A little weight gain seems besides the point in comparison to those "side effects", doesn't it? Can you point that out to her?
Moreover, as someone pointed out - she is already taking meds. She's self-medicating with alcohol and coke (and who knows what else). This is very common in people with mood disorders. They actually are trying to treat their symptoms, but instead of helping, these drugs throw gas on the fire.
She also needs good counseling. Getting into abusive relationships is not about "picking up strays" or "liking to help people." It's about a belief that this is the way you should be treated. I don't know why she has that belief (and you may not either) but she needs treatment to find out why and start to address it. EVERY woman who is in an abusive relationship at least starts out saying it's because she can "help" the guy. Later on, they get so beaten down, that feeling passes, but by then, it's too late and they're either unable to leave or worse. (Remember that most women who are murdered are killed by men in their lives.)
I'm saying this so bluntly because...your daughter's life is in danger. In immediate danger with this guy, yes, but also even if you rescue her from him, she'll do this all over again with another. And another. Until she gets good medical and therapeutic treatment.
Sometimes I wonder whether the guilt we feel that we could have been better parents isn't really a kind of magical thinking--that we actually had or have control over what happens to our children. The older I get, the less certain I am that we do. Maybe the best we can do is be with them.
Good luck and our thoughts go with you.
You might find it useful to read up on the whole thing. My daughter liked a book by Patty Duke, former child actress, about her BP, and there's more technical stuff around. But it seems to come down to recognition, acceptance and probably medication (not alcohol or cocaine!) on the part of the person himmerself.
Looking back, I think my daughter's father was BP, and he self-medicated with alcohol until he died of cirhossis (sp?), which is not the thing to do.
Unfortunately, in the end, it's close to impossible to do anything regarding an adult. But. The police. THEY can do something...
Best of luck.
I wish your family all the best.
HUGS
I won't offer advice. You've thought this through and understand the nuances of the situation better than any of us can. I will pray that you can get her home safely and that this time she'll see the light. I do hope you'll get some support for yourself, because your suffering does not mitigate hers.
Tink- You are a good guy! Thank you so much for putting us in your prayers. We need all the prayers we can get.
ghostwriter-you're absolutely right. She needs a geographical detox. ( I think that's what the 12 steps call it when an addict moves away from everything. Thanks for the great advice!
Michael-So you're familiar with the keys? I thought it was a drop spot for big cocaine buys, but I wasn't positive. She's coming home on Tuesday, and for now she's with my sister in Sarasota.Thank you for caring; I'm so appreciative.
Lisa-You're right, Lisa. it IS so hard to parent, and to be confident that the job is done correctly and with love. Thank you for your insight!
Mission- I'm sorry that I've taken so long to get back here. I feel like I've been on the phone with her or for her around the clock. I know that I've slept very little. I'm sorry, I just relized what a whiny asshole I must sound like. A restraining order will be in place when she gets back here.Thanks for your interest and good energy.
Trig, Believe it or not, I have dragged her to a very good psych hospital, about a year ago. Same kind of situation, and she was drinking herself into total oblivion every day. She'd start at 7am, go to work, drink there, come home and drink till she passed out. They kept her fo 10 days, and she did fairly well for a while, but now;not so good. Thanks for the support,Trig.
John-Thank you so much for your support. I did ask for opinions and I can handle the honesty that a successful outcome entails. You're a good guy, John! I bet you're a good father as well!
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't think about failure, think about helping her create a safe, healthy future.
dynomite-I feel you prayers and I can use all you can give. Thanks for the positive energy!
Lainey- I hope you don't feel that your comment is a 'bummer', because it's not and I've learned something from every comment, including your's. It is very scary, and I know when I was on the self destruct path, no one could
've stopped me; it would've been and was futile, until I was ready for the change. Thank you for your honesty and caring comments.
Lea- Yes, I agree. She is hooking up with my sister in Sarasota and will be home on Tuesday. That's when the hard stuff starts. Thanks so much for caring, it means so much!
Myriad-Thanks for this feedback. I plan on researching this whole scenario, right after I find someone to kick his ass!
KoB-You always seem to have my back, as do so many others.Thank you for the kind comments. They help so much.
High Lonesome-Thank you so much for the positive thoughts and positive energy. I appreciate that you've cared enough to comment
mr.ojib- Thank you for that.I'm not sure I buy it, but thank you anyway.
Dharmabummer- I've always believed that, of course hell exists. There are people that experience it everyday, right here on earth. Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm always appreciative.
john gregory-thank you so much for your thoughts on this dilemma. I was very concerned about calling the cops in case she was holding anything(coke).She's already been arrested in the city where we live.and it seems like the cops deliberately aggravate some situations like this.
Leonde- I appreciate your feedback so much, and your thoughts are a lifejacket in these stormy seas. Thank you!
Sally, You're right, I need to concentrate on the positives,annd not think about being a failure. If I was a failure, I wouldn't worry about getting her safe, home and into a detox, then treatment.Thanks for that insight, I feel better when you put it that way!
As of right now,03/29/2009 Em is with my sister, and due to fly home for Tuesday. So we've escaped the demons this time.
Next time? call the cops.
Greg- Thanks for the support. Don't worry-next time I will call the cops. But my real hope is that there is not a next time!
A frog who can play a flute with web feet.
Ya write like a foreign physicist who visits.
If I was at your house for victuals I'd lick paws.
I be safe. I'd play hopscotch with beautiful children.
You rope readers and they get hooked on your reads.
Then. Then readers need to learn to untie the shoe lace.
I mean:`The sheepshank knot needs to be loose.kiss.comma.
I feel helpless and saddened too. But than Ya daydream of you?
You a good wren. tweet. Ya have a wild life. Ya make a nice nest.
If I dare say so,
I'd say "I do."
Ya break laws.
O, finicky too?
Here's your situation. "But O.J. can be so nice, mom."
Somone should break his kneecaps so he spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair. That is the fate all violent abusers deserve. Helpleness. Having to depend on others. this kind of thing just infuriates me.
Jim Galt- I had someone offer to hurt him, and I said no because I was worried that the wrong person would end up in jail. I didn't want my friend to get in trouble and I told him that. He was so insistent..."i won't go to jail" "This guy needs to be messed up, but just tell me how much you want me to hurt him" I was tempted but too worried about my friend landing in jail. He killed himself 3 weeks ago, and that's why he was so sure he wouldn't go to jail.
To everyone who has come by to offer support and positive thoughts and energy, thank you so much! You've all helped me more than you'll ever know. I realize that this all had to play out the way it did, so Em could get a look into what her life would be, had she stayed with this guy. Things happen for a reason, don't they? If that wasn't a cliche, it could almost be true! ;-)
Let's see, where do I start? It wasn't until Wednesday evening that I finally got my hands on her! At the same time I was hugging her, I had to fight the urge to throttle her right by the neck! Before she left on this 'vacation', Tom and I begged her not to go, but she swore that he was different now, and "just because he set the car on fire, he wouldn't do it again". So, you see what we were up against? I really believe all of this had to happen, so she could be done with him...For how long, that we'll have to see. She really was very scared when he bodily threw her and her belongings out the door of the cabin they were staying in. She's covered with bruises, and just typing that, has me seething!
The good thing is, she's home and safe for now.
She's no innocent in all of this either. It is up to her to stay away from him and the crack, as well.
Thanks for the concern and caring, Lisa. And everyone here on OS!
Apache-Thanks for coming over to this post. No you didn't miss anything. The scum bag is 37 (38 sometime this month), and Em is 24. She's young, but not that young. I think she gets a little older with each slap, or body shake. Grrr...I wish I could...
You're right about the restraining order;she lives next door. We live in a side by side duplex.