He comes again in the night, creeping into my dream like a poisoned wind.
The evil is thick and black, covering me, trapping me like the locked door and his stinking strength.
I am so afraid!
I am frozen, immobile, praying for insanity to release my mind from this torture or death to release me from his grasp. My prayers are answered with his laughter as his arms close around me. He hurts me and I cry. I say, "I'm gonna tell."
His laughter becomes howls and his face grows angry and mean. He takes my arm and twists it up behind my back. With the other hand he takes my prepubescent breast, turning and twisting as I try to get away. I cry harder. "Please", I'm beseeching him.
"Are you gonna tell?" and before I can answer he twists and turns my bruising breasts more violently.
"No, no", I'm sobbing and I am so ashamed!
He feigns concern."Did you get hurt?" he asks. "Here let me kiss it better."
"No, no. I'm alright" but his head goes to my chest and he bites me hard. He raises his head, laughing again.
He unzips his pants, "you can hurt me"
"I don't want to. Please.. "
"Yes please" he whispers and his voice is hoarse and different, and I am trembling with fear. He forces my hand to his penis, "hurt me...do it" I cannot. His anger is paralyzing and with his hand on mine he squeezes and twists himself. Then he cries out in pain,"o-o-w-w! You hurt me you little bitch!" His eyes rolling and crazy and I struggle to get my hand free.
He comes for me again. I scream and I sob, and suddenlyI am awake. It's 2008, but I am only ten years old and how I want my mother.
I do not sleep again that night.
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Comments
Thank You for this
rated
How I wish it was fiction, too, for you and all the other children. How I wish.
With much love tonight-
Rated.
Amen.
Rated.
wus-Thanks to you for caring, you know I'm always appreciative!
mypsyche-Oh, I truly believe the writing helps to purge these demons. The 1st thing my therapist had me do was to write a letter to my perpetrator. I never mailed it, but it was therapeutic, nonetheless. Then there are those times when tears are the only sauve.
dragonlady- I am not familiar with those books/workbooks; thanks for the tip though. A big thank you for taking the time to read this and comment. I appreciate it always.
RE-Thank you so much for the writing compliment although I think perhaps you are being too nice.
Thoth-Thanks for having my back...again.
Tink-Hello my tinkling tink. Thanks for comin' round to see me, even when the post is difficult to get through. You're the best!
madcelt-Thank you for coming by, I'm always appreciative.
jane-You know what? I smiled when you called me Robin. Thank you for your fine compliments. You are too kind.;-)
Michael-How right you are about the horrors humans bestow, the more horrible, the more "happy" it made him. For a very long time, and still, but only occasionally, I dreamt of the horrors I could do to him. The writing is definitely cathartic.
Everyone-Thank you all for your kind and loving thoughts, your comments on my writing are encouraging to me. Although, I still will have a nightmare once in a while, I have them significantly less than in the past. I don't find my thoughts so concentrated on ways to kill him or sometimes me. I don't glimpse him in the crowd, approaching me, like I used to do. I still feel full on panic for no apparent reason, at times, and for all apparent reasons, at others.
So yes, I will continue to write. For the readers, be very glad that my Healing doesn't require you listening to me sing!
Janie-Thank you for your kind thoughts. I think that I have made great strides in the year I've been here; thanks to you and all the other friends I've made here.
So, yes, I do think I'll smile again when I think of the prayers that have been sent out for me.
Zashin-Thanks for coming by. I'm always appreciative!
grif- I've missed you. Thank you so much for coming by and your wonderful comments!
Dr Spudman44-I appreciate your comment and your visit. You always seem to lift my spirits.
Robin-Thank you for hearing my cry in the night and coming by to see if you could ease the pain. You have and I thank you for that.
a lot
bless you
lately I've opted for a more Buddhist tack - I feel sorry for them. What a fractured and broken person, to feel a need to hurt others in order to lessen their own hurt. People who have had my anger now get my sincerest wish that they get better (if only for everyone else's sake).
The bigger tragedy is not that this is done, but what it leaves behind. A shattered mirror can be pieced back together, but will never again show you an image that is whole.
In writing about it, you own it, not the other way around.