Do you ever find yourself looking out the window wondering if you should just go out alone?  Maybe go for a walk, a bike ride or a trip to the mall by yourelf?  Do you hesitiate to go when you'd rather wait for someone to go with, spend time with, share some laughs with or be accompanied by anyone at all?  Do you ever get a pit in your stomach by the thought of simply being alone?

So a little trip to the grocery store sounds good, comforting even.  Just need a few things or could live without them, but it would be good to get out anyway.  There is social interaction in most aisles, optional of course.  You can always count on the produce guy for a broad smile and a nice "how're you doing?"  "Can I help you find anything?"  That always puts a smile on your face.  Then the butcher sees you lingering over the day old meat and comes out to see if there is any special cut he can package up for you.  Again, that promise of a smile and casual conversation.

You find yourself avoiding the bakery counter, though there is sure to be a smile and some sinful reward there, but you see the free hand outs of the newest cheese at the deli counter and a friendly person there to help fill your cart with fresh salads, cold cuts and appreciation.  And there is always just enough social interaction with the checker and the bagger who puts all your goodies in neat little plastic OR paper bags, organizes your cart and offers to walk you to your car.  Very tempting.  So this is good.  The grocery store is one place you can go to alone and have a positive experience, if you so choose.

Starbucks is another!  The near daily ritual of starting the day with a perfectly concocted cup of java by a barrista who's only desire is to make you happy as you start your day, guaranteeing that you will return again and again and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a cup of joe.  But there it is again.  The friendly faces behind the counter, the same faces, morning after morning, going in for their indulgent fix for the day and the wonderful retired man with his beautiful dog, just hanging out looking for a little dialogue and familiar faces to greet time and time again.  It sure beats making a pot of coffee at home for one, watching the leftover coffee disappear down the drain.  That's a recipe for loneliness!

Oh the perceptions of being alone and the incipient little voices that convince you not to venture out alone.  Damn the voices of malcontent, making you choose to stay in rather than going it alone!  Not sure why or what that is that prevents us from finding enjoyment in solo adventures.  Too many caveats for women going out, being seen alone, god forbid.  What is the message?  What is the purpose?  Old parochial ways of thinking.  Why must I feel this way when I am alone for such long periods of time?  I just stay in most of the time, to avoid such self examination or doubt about going out all by my lonesome.  For me, it's just that I prefer company other than my own, to share most things with in life.  I am more plural than singular, however, I envy those who are comfortable doing absolutely anything alone and gladly, most of the time.  Don't get me wrong.  Although I value my alone time at intervals of my choosing, there is that hesitation at times; that something missing in me which eats at my gut from time to time.

Eating dinner out alone is the worst for me.  There is nothing better for me than enjoying a meal with someone I love or who's company energizes me.  I know this may sounds so silly, idiotic, insecure maybe, but it's very difficult for me to feel comfortable eating alone in public.  I find myself noticing all the groups, couples, families, mostly plurals around me so I feel somewhat out of place.  Alone.  And if there are any other solo parties dining, usually at the bar, I feel even more conspicuous, like I am looking for company or something! 

 I am most comfortable at this one Italian restaurant near our home (spitting distance, actually) and I always sit in the corner of the bar and comfortably share banter with the bar tender and the owners of the restaurant.   "So, your usual?"  Yeah, busted.  "Yes, the Happy Hour Cosmo would be great!" 

What's so happy about friggin' drinking alone!?  Well, my Benisimo boys are like family to me and take very good care of me when I am there alone, not frequently, but when my hubby is away on business for too long.  You can only make meals for one for so long, night after night, taking up to four or five meals to finish one lousy chicken by yourself.  It gets old after a while. 

So I am working on this shortcoming, this flaw, the guilt associated with self indulgence and this self imposed loneliness.  I really am.  I am learning to get out a little more in the evenings without benefit of an escort, my hubby or a friend to go out with all the time.  My days are filled with work and grandbabies half the week so it is just some nights I have to work on.  And it's not that I need to be out many nights or anything to get over this quirk.  I just want to feel good about being out alone when I do desire a nice meal out and enjoy the experience.

You can probably surmise that I have filled many of these nights alone right here, writing on the OS, which admittedly, is very comforting and a great creative outlet for me.  I love reading just as much and will juggle a few books while also reading as many writers here as possible each day.  So what's the big deal?!  There is plenty to fill my days and nights as it is!  And there is so much more...  However, at the risk of allowing any more avoidance or denial about loneliness, I will wrap this up with a little self reminder:

Whenever I do venture out on my own it always turns out to be a good thing.  I learn something new, meet and converse with a variety of people, am treated with kindness, familiarity and wonderful new food choices to sample and savor wholeheartedly.  I do end up having a great time!

 Expanding my social horizons beyond grandbabies and the supermarket can't be bad either!  Now, if I could just get over the guilt of getting over the loneliness!

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NOTE:  Now this is really freaky!  All the power just went out in the house.  For real!  How bizarre!  So...no time like the present...to get out of the house, go out for a walk and sample the joys of liberating one from old patterns and ways of being.

 Now, ain't that just the universe kicking 'me' olde back side!

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