I have watched my daughter, a Vet Tech, assist in the "putting down" of a 1,500 lb. horse, while both she and the doctor had eyes overflowing with tears.  They never get used to experiencing a once viable, beautiful animal, falling to the ground after fighting with what little strength is left in their giant bodies, struggling in vain before death's waiting victory.

 The memory of that recent event haunts me deeply.  The sound of the impact of the horse against the metal trailer and the last long breath, brings moments of unbearable sadness and a sight that will live inside me always.

Having said that, I do agree with "assisted suicide."  So much so that I inferred that she may need to give me a horse shot someday if I am really incapacitated and miserable.

Then I realizied how unfair that was to say to a daughter, who could never and would never assist me in that morbid endeavor.

There will be a doc for that, I am certain.  I have long believed that suicide will become the #1 cause of death, over cancer, heart failure, or any other fatal desease.  I sense we are heading in that direction for a multitude of reasons, one of which is or will be, that health care for the elderly will degenerate as quickly as  the enormous "baby boomer" generation is "going down hill," growing older faster than any governing body over medical care will be able to provide to the majority of us.

Not given to morbid fantasizing over medical issues facing those I love or god forbid, those I may be facing, I hardly warm to the notion that we are all headed in a similar direction.  Once a forbidden, murderous act, I can easily see how the option of assisted suicide would be so appealing.  A time and place of your own choosing, given the circumstances and prognosis for any kind of quality of life are no longer present, we could ease on over to the "other side," loved ones by our sides, if so chosen.

The thought that for so many, there are excruciating, lingering illnesses with no cures in this lifetime, that financial resources are quickly drained to the point that you can no longer die in the comfort of your own bed and that your loved ones and family are watching helplessly while nothing else can be done...is just too much to take in.

No one should be forced to be on sustained life support if there is no quality of life to be expected, ever.  If doctors have exhausted all medical options and nothing more can be done to lessen the degree of physical suffering, mental and emotional anguish and financial ruin, what else is there to do? 

I once had a dog that was so chronically ill, I went to three different vets seeking solutions, both holistically and medically, trying a varitey of diets, medications and anything to help this poor animal from further suffering.  After two and a half years of treating her to no avail, this poor animal would repeatedly, dig  holes so deep in the ground and cover herself with dirt, seeking some relief from her constant pain.  This heartbreaking sight made me realize that she wanted to die.  She was simply allergic to life and everything in her environment.  The vet concurred that nothing more could be done to help her.  It would be kinder to let her go.

It was the most painful decision I had ever made to that point in my life.  Finding the words to explain to my young daughters , that their beloved "Frosty," was going to be "put to sleep," was as unthinkable as the act itself.  It was the only solution left for our beloved dog and an end to her life long suffering.

Nearly every week, my eldest daughter is faced with the same dilema, over and over again, when a horse is dying or is in unbearable pain with no end.  It is often her call and decision to "put the animal out of it's misery."  I cannot imagine having a job where there is so much illness and death on a constant basis.  I am in awe of those who can manage this type of stress and the challenges of deciding when death is the best outcome.

I am not ready to make this call on my behalf...not yet.  The day will come, I have no doubt.  If only the one real fantasy was true.  That I could simply and peacefully just die in my sleep.  That would be just fine.  It is likely to come down quite differently, I fear.  Though I do not dwell on such morbid thoughts and feelings or the what ifs, I do occasionally have a sleepless night, wondering how and when it will happen and if I will have any choice in the matter of my own dying.

I like to think I would.