Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 2, 2011 5:15PM
"Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You" OC
When the bully who harmed you was your best friend.
A common biblical verse most of us have heard so often, especially in our youth, we were taught to strive to be kind to others, even while others were not so kind to us.
My oldest memory of someone bullying me, goes as far back as the 3rd grade, while playing outside during recess at my grammar school in Bellevue, Washington.
It was the mid-fifties, dare I admit. I was a tender eight years old, where I attended a nice parochial school, where brotherly love, kindness to others and the "avoidance of occasional sin", was the norm.
One of my closest girl friends a the time, was a girl named, Marie. She stayed by my side always. We played together, laughed a lot, had sleep overs and a young bond which developed that I thought would last a life time.
The subject of "bullyism" is as unpopular as it is popular. It is a frequent topic of discussion in a contempory culture where much around this topic is aired on day time talk shows, the evening news, between concerned parents and in the classroom.
Moms, teachers, friends, fathers, brothers, sisters and grandparents are painfully aware and concerned. It shadows our early lives and seeps into our adult attitudes. It is a combination of traits and learned behaviors that can become us and endure, finding shelter in our deepest fears, where lack of self esteem takes seed.
"Turning the other cheek" is often the wrong advice, though it is the first course of action in civilized society. We are taught this at an early age but find irony in its implicit failure once we are exposed to a sharper edge of reality when we first step onto the playground.
And, the playground is with us for a lifetime. School, neighborhood, work place, social society, politics, economics, friends and family. It surrounds us. Our every move. If we're not careful, it catchs us off guard when we least expect it.
Most of us learn to navigate through its unpredictable occurances. Just not always. For me, it first occurred very young. It came out of left field. A total and complete surprise. It was a first crushing blow to my young psyche and my ability to trust girls.
She was my close friend. Even at that age, I understood friendship and loyalty. I would have sworn this would never happen to me. Certainly not from my good friend, Marie. But it did. And it changed my youthful vision of comraderie for a long time to come.
Just an ordinary day at school. Morning recess outside on a sunny, crisp fall day. Playing four square, dodge ball and other circle games out on the playground where teachers were present.
It was a game where you had to choose partners to form teams. The usual. I chose someone else as my first pick and immediately heard Marie crying out in objection and disappointment. I looked in her direction. The other kids were engaged in the game and getting on with it. She was visibly upset and I felt bad, but diverted my attention back to the game at hand.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marie leave the circle and suddenly rush towards me in anger. I turned to face her and felt the searing and startling pain of her nails tearing into my cheek. It stung so badly and solicited gasps from the other kids and a teacher yelling in our direction. I grabbed my cheek, feeling the warm gush of blood between my fingers. I was stunned.
She still looked so mad and I was in considerable pain and disbelief. The teacher took me inside and to the nurse's office to clean the deep gouges that Marie carved into my face. The antiseptic hurt even more, until I looked in the mirror and saw what she had done to my right cheek. The three long deep scratches were terrible and bleeding. Even at that young age, I knew that these would leave scars for a long time. It was pretty awful. I had been attacked by my best friend. That fact hurt the most. Why would she do that? It was just a game? I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings or anything, but she was enraged by my choice of another team player over her.
I'm talking third grade! This isn't the typical age of bullying concerns we are used to dealing with today. But it is a memory I will never forget. The facial scars disappeared in time, but in some light, you can still see the faint lines in my cheek that she inflicted that day. Most wouldn't notice it, but once in a while, I am still surprised that I can see them and the cruel reminder that it even happened so long ago.
Very little was done about it and no discussion or apology ensued between Marie and I. It was a childhood deal breaker. We were friends no more. Her parents basically took a, "There are two sides to every story," defense, alhough the teacher and those who saw what she did to me, declared it was unprovoked and aggressive on her part. To me, as a young girl, it was completely uncalled for and mean spirited. It dulled my desire to be too close to girls for a period of time and my closest friends/buddies became boys for the most part, through high school. The net result being: I had far greater trust for and friendships with "guys" than with girls.
My adult life, however, was softened by the passing years. The closeness to my dear sisters, incredible female friendships with other moms and the births of my three incredible daughters, highlighted the importance of the females in my life. They say "Time heals all wounds." And believing that to be vitally true, coupled with the many words of learned forgiveness imbued by my sweet mother, I found solace in the women in my life.
They became my dearest friends, mentors, doctors, and trusted confidants. I cannot imagine my world without the amazing women that surround me with love, laughter and shared sorrows. Their constant presence in my daily life, the family bonds that deepen and the vitality of female energy when positive action evolves, is a valuable component that inspires and enriches me daily.
Everything comes full cirle. The most memorabe event of bullying eventually melted in time while both the outward and inward signs of scars healed and disappeared. I cannot imagine my life without "my girls" and the amazing women that complete me.
You know who you are!
Dedicated to the women I love and admire: My mother, sisters, daughters, girl friends and darling grand daughter.
Especially to my mother, Rosemary, who taught me kindness, tolerance, forgiveness and when to "Turn the other cheek."
Photo credits: Google images - young girls who are bullies.
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David Brin
Jenni Lynn
Gary Fandango
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hilarad
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Comments
This in my experience makes a certain kind of woman, just as
the man who eschews males
for females makes a certain kind of man.
she was utterly betrayed. it was not a game to Marie.
she maybe has or had not the male influence, where gamesmanship
springs from.
women complete women, men complete men.
and then the next step in evolution,
the old wisdom about behind every man,
and
behind every woman..
i cannot yet say if it is true. noone alive can speak from such
a Platonic ideal of full Circle, soulmate...or can they?
I’m sorry someone you trusted turned on you, hard one to deal with at any age.
"Full circle..." Soul mates..." are such subjective perspectives and ones that I am not particularly fond of...
...or in my case, my true soul mates in this lifetime, are indeed, women. I think women often mistakenly believe that a soul mate has to be male or significant other...spouse...nothing could be further from the truth for many. Not to put down the possibility of a male soul mate, which is true for many others, yet can disguise or make impossible, the discovery that one's true soul mates could also be of the same sex and have nothing to do with sex.
You made me go off on some random tangents here. Thanks for stirring the pot!
M. C .Sears - Thanks for coming by. I am quite over the sting of that betrayal when so young. It's the betrayals of our later lives that like to burrow in and take residence in your psyche. Harder to shake off. Another story...
Experience taught me very few will stand up to defend me or offer me a hand. Both in physical and verbal assaults, and socioeconomic struggles. I've learned the hard way, no one is obligated to keep me alive and well. Life can be brutal and harsh, it's solely up to me to figure out how to survive. I no longer have a cheek left that will withstand more blows. It may be different for others but that's my reality. Big girls and boys can be meaner than little ones. With all my heart, I wish it wasn't so but it is what it is.
Thank you for the post, it's nice to live vicariously through others.
She is now a valuable asset to society, but at what costs....
I created a bully, and that was her platform.
D.
Diane - That's a real juxtaposition you have with your daughter and that you realize the potential difficulty that can also create. The proverbial "Catch 22."
Dr. Spudman44 - I rarely think of it these days, but not long ago, in just the right light, I saw the faint marks on my cheek. If skin gets thinly with age, perhaps they will show more than before. But hardly visible at all. I do not wear makeup on my face (eye makeup, yes) so no cover up unless it becomes necessary. Do not like anything more than moisturizer on my skin.
Glad you managed to overcome your fears and associations. It sounds like you've made a passion of relationships, so good on you.
-r-
EXCELLENT PIECE..
HUGGGGGGGGGGGG
what people just dont get about "bullyism" to borrow your term is that basically, adults still practice it. eg in forms like Corporatocracy, wealth disparity, immigration, globalization etcetera. the list is long. so I say it will disappear among kids when it finally disappears among adults.
♥R
You embarrassed your best friend in front of others in a most hurtful and thoughtless manner, then you blame HER for responding with rage and hurt!!!
From this blog, I’d guess that you still feel somehow “betrayed” by her for reacting as she did to your insult to her and to the friendship and loyalty she thought you felt for her.
I had someone do something similar to me once. Although he could normally kick my butt with little effort, I sent him home in tears with two shiners and a cut lip.
You deserved what you got; and you got off lightly.
I am having a really hard time reconciling the person who wrote this with the Cathy I’ve so loved and respected here on OS. I am stunned that anyone here has indicated support for you.
.
Linda - Thanks much. Guy friends were so uncomplicated and appreciative of the "tom boy." Young girls can be quite catty and disloyal, but I suppose that is what prepares us for many other disappoints in life.
Lea - Thank you very much. I know how lucky we are to have each other.
vzn - You are right, in that it was not the most warm and fuzzy memory or post to write. It was good to recall, however, as the long term result was that I had lessons to learn and a new outlook on my female friendships in the future. The women in my life now are incredible and life sustaining.
Sky - You are so right and I have nothing but respect for your POV. It IS, a very self centered point of view. I would be most interested in knowing how Marie remembers this event, but will never know. Thank you for everything you shared around this. I had no idea that what I wrote could solicit this kind of response, however, it is something for me to think about and consider the other side of the coin. Thank you.
Sheila - Love your thoughtful comment. Thanks.
blufeather - I am ok with Sky's perspective. The post does lean quite one sided and I know there are always 2 sides to every story. His comment is valid and I am looking back with different eyes.
So sorry for both you and Marie--it is somewhat redeeming, however, that the experience moved you so far forward.
The circle of life is pretty amazing, isn't it?
Lezlie
I was quite ill as a child
It was the same era of which you speak
My friends would plot nasty games
A new ring leader moved into the neighborhood
She hated me for some unknown reason
and tormented me with cruel words
Then run away and leave me wondering
The boys did not and treated me like a queen
When I was put in a body cast at the age of 14
Not one of my girl friends would visit me
But the boys came and read along the cool side of the house
all summer long
I met another bully girl in high school
who played evil mind games and made me feel
unworthy
I too have regained my trust in women
and have met bully men
I still do not understand
what makes them that way
rated with love and empathy
Little Kate - That was my hope and the result of such positive experiences in my adult life. I do not turn a blind eye to the lessons of the past and am very thankful for the outcomes that brought me great joy.
bobbot - Yes, understood. Thanks.
Lezlie - Yes, there are mysteries to me, why some girls are so jealous and resentful at such a young age and continue the patterns throughout school years and beyond. I steer clear of those types of women. Too many awesome women out there who just get it.
Romantic Poetess - You had your share of challenges as a child that most do not endure. Seems we have all experienced the static "competitive energy" from others without ever knowing why. Some types of women, especially, can put our the most nasty, negative energy in your path, you stumble to navigate around and away from it. Happy those days are far behind me now! Thanks for your great comment!
Ben Sen - I do not know what happened to Marie. Our family moved from Washington to California nearly two years later and we never stayed in touch. Even at that young age, it was clear that she was a very dependent type friend, hanger oner...jealous type and attention getter. I was likely a better friend to her than she was to me, but that's so long ago. She was one of many young friends but she clung to me...
Chicken M - It wasn't a one time thing, not by a long shot. I chose to write about this first experience and not ramble on about her personality and character and likely emotional flaws from the point of view of an 8 year old. Not the point of the post, but could have expanded on her clinginess and dependence on me. Not a healthy friendship, even at that age. She also tried to drown me once...but that's another story and one I've written about in the past...not in the genre of bullying. Whenever I did not pay enough attention to her she would get angry pushy, verbally mean and physical with me. I was just trying to keep the peace with her most of the time. My pattern and enabling from an early age.
Mare - You were under two years of age at the time. You would never have known. I will show you the faint reminders when I see you, baby girl! Then, I will fill you in on the rest about this troubled little girl who also tried to drown me and a myraid of other bullying behaviors, which I didn't comprehend at the time.
Susie - That's right they don't. I only recently noticed that they are still there; ever so faintly, but definitely there. Started to think that aging thins the skin and everything shows, especially with very fair Irish skin (after the summer blush has faded)! Thanks!
My guess is you had probably been mean to her before in some subtle or not-so-subtle way and she was already feeling insecure. It wasn't ok for her to scratch you, not excusing that - but seriously you don't get why she was upset?
p.s. my own fair Irish skin still maintains a visible 59 year old scar from a piece of glass. Luckily it's on a foot.
nerd cred - Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I didn't feel like cluttering the experience with the various bullying episodes with Marie but sure can see why some would take this in the light that Sky did, but maybe not with such vehemence. There is always more to the story but it didn't seem the point I wanted to make in the writing. I could have expanded on her behaviors towards me but it would have taken a different spin, likely. There is always hind sight, right? Thanks very much.