MARCH 13, 2009 12:28AM

Running with Boobs

Rate: 29 Flag

So let’s talk about the boobage. Before the (straight) guys get too excited, fair warning, this is no soft-core. You want the lithe young lady running barefoot and preferably nude on the beach with those perky peaches gently bouncing? Not so much. That’s not how it goes for most of us. I, myself, have never bounced. Flapping is a better way to describe what my breasts do when I run without proper support. And it hurts like a mofo.

 

I have not bought a new bra since my last time training for a race and those lovelies no longer fit me, sad to say. You would think I’d be happy about my boobs being bigger. It’s what every guy wants right? The bigger the better the tighter the sweater go tits GO! Again. Not so much. First of all, when you gain weight, you tend to gain it everywhere. The inflation that comes from nursing has mostly calmed down and well…turned to deflation. They look like sad balloons now. The party has ended. Except the nursing party hasn’t ended. I fear it may never end. This kid is not interested in solid food in the least.

 

Have you ever heard the song Detachable Penis? Well I’d like some detachable boobies. They’d come in handy in at least a couple of instances. When the baby is using me as a pacifier I could just take ‘em off and plop her in the crib happily sucking away. I might even loan them to my husband when I just want to sleep and he...doesn't. It would be great for when I run too. And maybe then I wouldn’t get the honking. What is with the honking? I look like crap and I’m dragging my fat ass through the rain. What are you honking at?! WHAT?!

 

So I need a new running bra because the nursing bras are sad. Oh and nursing in public is tons of fun in these suckers. I can picture the designers cackling evilly to themselves as they put the most ridiculous snaps and hooks on these damn things. “HA!” they say, “Just let ‘em TRY to nurse discreetly in this. They’ll either look like they’re trying to feel themselves up or like a bug crawled down their shirt!” But wait! Don’t just buy them for the public humiliation they also offer a complete lack of support!

 

I do not enjoy bra shopping. It is not my fun thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. Ooo yes! Bring on the fluorescent-lighted dressing room horror! So, generally, I just guess my size and buy what looks like it’s going to work. I know. Oprah would be horrified at me. Fuck Oprah. You heard me. Fuck her. She probably has a personal bra fitter Me? I get the overworked-underpaid-couldn’t-care-less teenager at Kohl’s. Jogging bras? What? Whatever’s on the rack, lady. I’ve got a display that somebody’s kid just destroyed to re-stock. So I usually guess wrong and either end up with a too big bra and the painful flap or too small and the uniboob. The uniboob is what happens when your breasts get mashed together into one indistinguishable lump. It doesn’t give them the ability to make bombs or write rambling manifestos.

 

Can I just take these things off?

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Your post is oh so true! Best of luck on your quest for a well-fitting, comfortable, supportive bra....harder to find than the holy grail that...
Great post. Except on the tags you forgot "funbags." Really great post.
What about a "make-it-yourself" bra? I hear duct tape works.

(Okay, yes. It works. But tearing that sucker off? Eesh. Trust me on this, personal experience and all that ... don't do it. Even though I just suggested it.)
Oh so true and oh so funny! And I agree, the uni-boob is the worst! I was a runner years ago and never found the perfect bra, although there was one from J.C. Penney's that was pretty close. Unfortunately this was like in 1983 and they probably don't make it anymore. The best one I've found lately (I don't run anymore but I walk really fast!) is made by Bali. And I found a Hanes Sports bra, size DD, at Walmart that was cheap and pretty effective. My daughter also claims that the Gap makes really great bras and they can be ordered online. (Not sure if they make running bras or not.) (You sound like my daughter -- she's trying to break her two-year-old from nursing but he is obsessed with "boobies" and may have to enter baby rehab to break his habit.)
Oh man... sometimes detachable boobs would be so nice! ANd not only for nursing and athletic mothers.

And I imagine it would be a big advance in breast cancer treatment. Go in for a mammogram... that wouldn't hurt.If your biopsy was a bad result, you could get a pair of loaner boobs, and when yours were cancer free, you could go get them back without going through the painful and unattractive effects of cancer, chemotherapy and radiation.

Okay, well, they're attractive nuisances, but I guess I'd rather have mine than not.
That would be "Bodacious Ta-Tas"...Thank you very much.
Rated & Cheers!
"...here's the bad news....they grow again after 4o...at least two sizes."

Too funny JK...lol

Great post Juli.
You said mofo. And you know the song Detachable Penis (which will haunt me during my run tomorrow a.m.). You are my new best friend.

Detachable boobies would be really useful when you go out. Like, when you're in NY at a trendy place for cocktails, the kind of place where it looks like a model bomb went off? If you had to go to the bathroom and leave your financier catch unattended, could detach your boobs and leave them on the table for him to stare at (or he could play with them *under* the table) while you're powdering your nose.
jimmy, funbags is the unsexiest term I have ever heard for breastages
It doesn’t give them the ability to make bombs or write rambling manifestos.

Because that would be awesome.

Very funny, and I feel this pain.
I too enjoy bra shopping, though, alas, I have no one to shop with. So, might I come & help?

and, not all of us necessarily think bigger is better...
"You would think I’d be happy about my boobs being bigger. It’s what every guy wants right? "


WRONG

Tits are like school grades. A's are better than B's which are better than C's etc.
I laughed 'til I cried. Minus the nursing part I am right there with you. These things are handicaps in nearly every situation except attracting the male species!
Rated for the great window into the experience of women and referencing Primus' Detachable Penis:)
You're looking for an Enell Sports Bra. Expensive ($75) but worth every penny. They won't move. Period.

Check Amazon.
The things women must endure. You have my sympathies. I can see your dilemma with the uniboob but amazing cleavage, no?

Rated for flapping with good humor.
My ex-wife and I thought about having detachable arms that were always getting in way during sex, but then after our buzz wore off we wondered how we would put them back on. Great post.
"All my life I've been a 36D on top and a size 4 on the bottom. "

Dang have you ever fallen forwards?

Another reason I'm a man, behind periods.
My hint: Go to Nordstrom's for a fitting. They are very well trained. And then go elsewhere to buy (unless they're having a sale).
Well, Juli, men are not cut out to be women. It's a job I've seen, greatly respect, and definately don't want.

Forgive my naivete, but aren't their professionals who help women find the correct size? It sound like from your description, finding a good bra is like finding a good pair of shoes. They provide comfort and support and don't do any damage.

Rated with empathy.
Sucks, don't it? I gave up years ago trying to find comfy, supportive bras for my running and pony-riding. So I just double-bag it and grit my teeth until the numbness kicks in.
Can't help you on this one.
But like with everything else it IS important to find the right fit. You might want to find a serious retailer who caters to the needs of the serious runner. Usually, these are small independents who share your passion for the sport.
They are there if you look.

Because I have flat feet and I am a heavy heel striker, I have to plunk down $100 to $125 for a pair of running shoes and an extra $25 for arch supports. Or I will have to suffer the dire consequences.

As to the honkers, you are most likely right, but there may be a few of them who are honking because they are runners themselves and are giving you moral support. Just a quasi-delusional thought.

At this point, I'd normally make a wisecrack remark, but I know this is a serious issue with women. Also it is Lent and I'm a Catholic (I know horrors) and I'm trying to be good. I'm trying. Really hard.

Rated with Support ; )
Coming from the itty bitty committee, I can't relate but both my daughters can! I won't ever forget going bra shopping with youngest who at 12 was having a hard time finding one that fit. It was like speaking a different language almost.
This is funny!
Awhile back, Big Salon writer Sarah Hepola wrote an interesting piece about brassiere buying for the large chested woman. You may read it here:

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/12/10/big_breasts/index.html

I have a friend who gave up triathlon training for exactly the problems you describe: it just hurts too much to run, and it is impossible to find a bra that compensates for the, um, flapping.

But one time, during the late 1970s when everything was different and wonderful, I remember this woman who used to work out at UT. In those days, the stadium was open to the public, even when the football team or the Longhorn Band were practicing on the field. My life was centered at UT, and I would go over several times a week to get in a few laps on the track. Sometimes, I would notice a woman who ran topless at the same time I was on the track. Not that it matters all that much to the story, but I always made it a point to run in direction opposite hers. She had small breasts, of a type that some men would describe as "perky". From my observations, it never seemed that jogging without a bra caused her any distress at all. One day, I remember reading a story in The Daily Texan with the headline "Jogger Makes Boobs of Cops". Acting on a complaint (who would complain?), the UT police had arrested this woman for jogging topless on the track in Memorial Stadium. (I wonder if they frisked her?) But they had to let her go, because it turns out it isn't illegal to bare one's breasts in Austin, Texas.

This has nothing whatever to do with your post, but you reminded me of it.
Oh just hilarious! Thanks for the laughs on this one. I remember the nursing and pacifier stage very well, and love, love the idea of taking them off! Uniboob. I'll be giggling all evening. Rated!
Dammit! The OS power outage nuked my really long response comment in which I addressed everyone individually so I'll just say thank you to everyone and I will definitely be checking out some of the bra advice. Thanks for all the...support....(snicker)

:-)
An FTM friend looking over my shoulder just pulled his shirt up and said, "Of course you can take them off. But they won't let you keep them after you do."

As a man, I have no opinion, only a sudden recollection of the time I went off a high dive naked.