The snowpocalypse is coming. 

It begins the way any disaster film begins: as an ordinary day. DUH DUH DAAAAAHHH! But, you, precious viewer, have paid nearly twenty smackers for a seat to the show titled “Snowpocalypse” and an overpriced bucket ‘o’ cornlesterol, so you sense something is afoot. You are quick that way.

Our intrepid heroine begins her day the usual way: with coffee and vague existential dread. Her young one bleats softly and she comforts the little girl as she…OW!! GodDAMMMIT!...bites her mother squarely on the nipple! Jesus Christ kid..how do you know right where the most painful place is to clamp down?

The soundtrack begins playing softly ominous music as the camera focuses on the seemingly harmless fluffy little flakes. All is not well! The scene turns from domestic bliss to a dark-tinted anxiety…what is going to happen?! Oh Tom Skilling! Comfort me with your warm snuggie(yes really) and dopey weather commentary! I am a-skeeered!

Watch! As the daring commuters slide through Chicago’s streets and highways and either go so slow glaciers pass them or so fast they begin traveling sideways, which is actually sorta nice cuz you don’t have to steer and can relax and enjoy the scenery…until you hit something of course. Not that I would know.

Thrill! To the sound of a metric ton of frozen precipitation landing on your head!

Cheer! As the snow plows pass right by your street leaving it untouched!

Weep! As the little children are deprived of their educations due to a Snow Day.(whatacrockInevergotasnowdayinallofhighschool..richprivateschoolkids..grumble..grumble…mutter..mutter…(incoherent)

Cheer again! As you hear the famous phrase “Chicago Public Schools ARE open today!” (God bless ‘em CPS wouldn’t close if an active volcano got together with a tornado and a hurricane (somehow- don’t ask me how a hurricane is created miles away from any ocean- or an active volcano is created out of nowhere- it’s a disaster movie- it doesn’t have to have verisimilitude…or deal with the laws of physics…anyway…an active volcano, tornado and hurricane walk into a Chicago bar and YES! Chicago Public Schools are STILL open today!)

Chill! To shoveling snow in subzero windchills! Our patented Snowglobe-vision will make you feel like YOU are out there freezing your unmentionables off. Truly worth the price of admission.

Actually since this is a disaster film our intrepid heroine should look something like Linda Hamilton in Terminator flexing her sexy biceps as she flings superhuman amounts of snow over her head with a gigantic shovel. Or wait. Maybe I should shoot the snow with an AK-47. Or a rocket launcher. Shit yeah. I wanna shoot the snow with a rocket launcher.Please? Pleeeease?!

And the glorious conclusion as our intrepid heroine comes through her many trials triumphant, though perhaps a bit (sexily, naturally) disheveled and snow-covered. She kisses her beloved family as the reporters interview her about shoveling and ask her, “How bad WAS your commute?”

Nothing a little FIREpower couldn’t handle. <wink> Take THAT snowpocalypse! Defeated!!