If you’re not familiar with This Is Why You’re Fat, you should be. They do God’s work over there making us aware of the latest in digestive-tract-stopping-heart-clogging-chest-grabbing-gasping-for-air deliciousness. I propose, however, that some of us persist in stubborn fatness because diet tips suck. They just make you want to stay fat out of spite they’re so perky and sanctimonious. These goodies come from Prevention magazine. I like Prevention. It takes guts to name your magazine “the act of preventing, impeding, a hindrance, an obstacle.” Here’s Prevention’s tiperoos for my fat ass:

There's nothing like a weight loss strategy that takes almost no time or effort--but still works like a charm! Here are 10 successful strategies to cut calories and burn fat that literally take 60 seconds or less.

1. Mix a juice spritzer
Combine your favorite juice (half of your usual amount) with plain or sparkling water. You can cut up to 85 calories per glass--and lose 5 pounds or more a year.

Awesome. I don’t drink juice. Like ever. Ok- maybe in a screwdriver. I know, as a fat person, I should totally be hooked on soda and juice. I owe it to the stereotype of the headless fattie with the Supersize Slushee gripped in their paw like precious precious gold, but I don’t like juice or slushees or regular cola even. I actually drink mostly water. (Yes, some (ok-most) of this water has been passed through ground beans of a certain caffeinated variety.) My tiny daughters, on the other hand, drink enough juice to sink a tanker ship. The one time I admitted to the pediatrician they might be drinking a wee bit more juice than is recommended she looked at me as though I’d admitted they once snorted coke off a stripper’s tits. (Totally would never let them do that. You just rub a little on their gums so they don’t pass out before their proper nap time. Healthy sleep habits are important!)

2. Walk while you talk
Burn calories while you talk on the phone: Do the laundry (68 calories), set the table (85), or water plants (102).

Awesome! I’m 0 for 2 here people. I don’t talk on the phone. I know- I’m some kind of freak of nature- I realize this. It’s been pointed out to me. My husband absolutely loves the fact that every time he calls my cell it is either off or ringing on the kitchen table right in front of him because I have forgotten it yet again. Now the internet? That’s a different story, but I don’t currently have any portable surfing devices. And my plants are all dead.

PS- how the hell do they figure these random numbers of calories burned? In my home there is always a child or animal barking/meowing/screaming/pooping/spilling/needing to be let in/out. In a just world I would be burning so many calories with all the cleaning/wiping/changing/lifting/carrying I do. So why am I not Kate Moss? Watering the plants is 102 calories? Really? Are we talking like a solid hour worth of watering here? Or is it a weighted watering can? I think maybe they are talking about someone who has more than one sad little basil plant on their windowsill.

3. Study the wrapper
At a quick glance, that candy bar appears to contain 220 calories. But a closer look may reveal that it (or a bottle of juice, bag of crackers, or bag of nuts) provides two or more servings--which more than doubles those calories.

Wow! Isn’t this like ALL of dieting? You actually become aware of how many calories you consume and eat a smaller number of said calories? It is pretty sickening to calculate an actual serving for most processed food, though. You should do this with an Otis Spunkmeyer muffin. A serving is 360 calories. Doesn’t seem so bad except the serving size is half a muffin. For reals? Who eats half a muffin, puts it away in a little baggie and saves it for another day? So the whole dang muffin is 720 calories. That’s a meal, kids, not a muffin. Screw Otis. He can keep his Spunk. It doesn’t even taste that great.

4. Sip green tea before a walk
The caffeine frees fatty acids so that you burn fat more easily. And the polyphenols (antioxidant compounds) in green tea appear to work with caffeine to increase calorie burn. (If you have high blood pressure, skip this tip.)

Caffeine frees fatty acids that burn fat?! Why am I not skinny as hell? I guess it makes sense that fatty acids burn fat- acid burns- can we bottle some of this fatty acid stuff and I can just like chug it or something? So if caffeine is effective how about something a little stronger- maybe I do – say – meth before going for a walk will I burn like a million calories? I’ve heard that speed freaks are a skinny-ass bunch.

5. Pack a lunch
Dining out more than 5 times a week may make you eat more--nearly 300 calories a day--than if you dine out less frequently.

Not if you’re packing Spunkmeyer, apparently. Is that a muffin in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

6. Dip your bread
Use olive oil in place of butter. It's healthier and may also help you eat less. In a recent study, dippers ate a total of 52 fewer calories, on average, than those who used butter.

Sweet. I thought my fat ass was supposed to lay off the bread basket in the first place. I love olive oil, though. I drink it.

7. Sprinkle flax on cereal
High-fiber ground flaxseed can help curb your appetite and eliminate calories. Add it to yogurt or muffin and bread mixes--it's available in health food stores.

I actually did buy some ground flaxseed a while ago. I used it in one batch of low-fat muffins that went moldy in about a nanosecond. My kitchen is the equivalent of the Florida Everglades. Dark, dank and full of lush tropical growth. If you can classify mold as tropical.

8. Schedule a blood test
About 1 in every 12 women (most of whom don't know it) has an underactive thyroid, which can slow down her metabolism.

Dude! That is TOTALLY what’s wrong with me. I have a glandular problem, I can stop reading right here y’all. It has to suck to actually have a thyroid problem that causes you to gain weight. NO one believes you.

9. Supersize your H2O
Buy the big bottle when it comes to good-for-you stuff such as water: You'll drink more.

After I’m done can I fill the big bottle with vodka?

10. Eat a chunky salad
Chop carrots, celery, sweet potatoes, zucchini, or other veggies instead of shredding or slicing. It takes more effort to munch bigger pieces; you'll do more chewing and eat less during the main course.

I think this goes along with the “fat people chew too damn fast” thing I read in Men’s Health the other day. Chunky salad just sounds….unappetizing. I blame Campbell’s.

So thanks, Prevention! In 60 seconds or less I can….go visit TIWYF.