Sitting in our lawyer’s San Francisco office scribbling signatures on countless safety-net documents—advanced healthcare directives, power of attorney, living wills—Frank asked, “What about when we travel? Will all this paperwork cover us when we’re in Texas?” Our legalista, who also sits on the boards of Equality California and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, peered over her glasses and deadpanned: “Do you have to go to Texas?” She then gave us each a laminated wallet card designating the other as a healthcare agent (how romantic!) and instructed, “Don’t leave home without it.” A week later, a six-pound box arrived, stuffed with the contents that would presumably ward off emergency by making us legally “married enough.” 

There are only six states that currently offer marriage equality. Six-and-a-half if you count California, which recognizes 18,000 same-sex marriages performed before Proposition 8 but stops short of sharing the wedding cake with the rest of our lgbt friends. Should we travel to New York or Washington D.C., our marriages would be legally recognized and protected there, even though the gay residents of these regions may not be married in their own hometowns. It was easy enough for our attorney to advise us against a road trip to Texas, but our families are there. Christmases are there. In other words, heading home for the holidays might be hazardous to our health— literally. 

When faced with the gay marriage debate, a beloved, conservative straight married friend (who is totally supportive of our marriage and our rights) plays this card: “Do you really want to bring the federal government into your marriage?” Honestly, the answer is probably no. Nonetheless, we call his bet and raise this: Uncle Sam is already the third wheel in your marriage. Not only does the old fellow take it upon himself to define marriage, in the federal Defense of Marriage Act, he’s so interested in matrimony that he doles out wedding gifts—1,138 of them to be exact. That’s right: Marriage comes with 1,138 federal rights, responsibilities and protections.

We talk a whole lot about rights. And it’s true, marriage—along with serving in the military, holding down a job without fear of discrimination and freely walking down the street—is a civil right. But these 1,138 gifts from the federal government are not just rights bestowed on married people. They are protections for raising families; for equal health care; for the spouses of public servants and immigrants. They are shelter and insurance in the face of death and taxes.

These 1,138 rights and protections are not “special.” They are the same wedding presents my sisters will receive upon their marriages; they are the same advantages my parents have enjoyed for more than 35 years. And this is exactly why the bus doesn’t stop at Proposition 8. It is exactly why federal equality is so important. By the time Frank and I reach 35 years of marriage, I trust we will no longer have to carry laminated healthcare cards in our wallets. I have faith that we will go home for Christmas without worry. I believe the thousands of dollars we’ve poured into pseudo-security will amount to a hill of beans in light of full national equality.

*For more on the 1,138 federal rights of marriage, and to read more stories like this one, please visit www.JustMarried.us.