They say that communication is key to a good marriage. After weeks on the road, I am tuning back in—to television, blogs and of course to my wife, Chloé. If you’re following this season of Bravo's Top Chef, then you may have caught the commotion over marriage equality on a recent episode. If you missed it, contestant Ashley Merriman got heated at the prospect of cooking for a wedding-themed challenge when she herself is “not allowed in that institution.” The chef’s reaction raised the question of whether we as LGBT people, who are left out of legal marriage, should abstain from the institution altogether. 

Top Chef host Tom Colicchio voiced his support for marriage equality in his blog, while also wondering if Merriman “would never attend a friend’s wedding or prepare something for that wedding ceremony as a gift?” Chloé blogged about it all on Open Salon. The post has generated some wonderful commentary and I can’t help but add my thoughts to the mix.

I’ll never forget Brangelina’s famous comment that they will consider marriage when the rest of us share that right. It was a huge public statement from Hollywood’s power couple and I still think they are so totally righteous for broadcasting their support. That said, Chloé and I believe marriage is the ultimate bond between two people and that all the decisions surrounding marriage are highly personal. Taking such a bold stand isn't for everyone, and we would never ask any couple in love to forfeit their right to marriage, nor would we ever turn a supportive straight couple’s wedding into an opportunity to protest. 

We agree with Open Salon reader Dana Douglas, who supports boycotting only for straight couples who choose it themselves. But, Dana says, "When I am invited to a wedding, and particularly to participate in whatever way, I am going to do it with enthusiasm. And by doing so, make my and my partner's presence a subversive force for understanding and tolerance. You'll get no bitterness or divisiveness from me!"  

I was especially moved by the comment of one “Kate Hepburn.” Kate replied with a post of her own, entitled “Straight Guilt,” about her experience as both a marriage equality supporter and as a guilty-feeling straight woman about to be legally wed. Kate and her future husband have devoted a page to the topic of same-sex marriage on their personal wedding website and will also offer a special comment on equality during their wedding ceremony. I applaud this couple. They are seizing an incredible opportunity to communicate their compassion for our lack of civil rights to a captive and emotional audience at just the moment when all are contemplating the intense meaning of marriage. When the couple speaks at their ceremony, everybody will listen.

I know I speak for both of us when I say that Chloé and I are so grateful to folks like Kate, Dana and Brangelina who recognize that they can make a difference in the struggle for equality just by engaging in the necessary dialogue. This kind of communication is precisely what our community needs right now. Take Top Chef for example. I knew my friend, Chef Preeti Mistry, would be a contestant on this season’s showdown; I had no idea she would inadvertently raise awareness for same-sex marriage in her conversation with Chef Merriman or by saying to the world that she and her partner have shared 13 years together.  

We have many gay and lesbian friends who often find themselves in similar scenarios—including Iron Chef champ Traci Des Jardins, whose San Francisco restaurant has hosted countless gorgeous ceremonies (including our own!) and Top Chef Masters alum Elizabeth Falkner, who is known to bake a mean wedding cake (again, including our own!). “I love to make cakes,” says Falkner, who’s made a baker’s zillion for both gay and straight couples. “I’m so happy for anyone who wants to have these celebrations. It’s just silly that it’s such a struggle.”

As a photographer, I have worked a few weddings myself; as a former fashion/bridal editor, Chloé is an expert in the very trappings we are denied. It’s important that we continue to show ourselves as an integral part of the institution of marriage. In fact, we are the designers of those glorious gowns; we are caterers and florists and even (ahem!) wedding officiants. Instead of boycotting, maybe it’s a more powerful, visible statement to be there for straight couples while also putting our very human face on the struggle for civil rights and protections. As Chloé and I constantly remind ourselves, in marriage (and in marriage equality) communication is key.

All that said, if the bride and groom are of the “we have lots of gay friends but still think marriage is only for heteros” ilk, then I say boycott away!  — FF