Four-letter words can pack quite a punch. But of all profanities, there’s not one, nor any number of F-bombs, that quite stacks up to DOMA, the acronym that delivers a left hook to the gut of LGBT couples across the United States. As a married couple recognized in only a few of those 50 states, we know all too well the unchecked power of DOMA. Yet I wonder how many Americans, how many of our allies even, don’t know what DOMA stands for or what it means in actual effect. 

The federal Defense of Marriage Act is, of course, the official discrimination of gay and lesbian couples imbedded into U.S. law since 1996. This week, three legislators and 90 Congressional cosponsors introduced a bill for its full repeal, aptly named the Respect Marriage Act. If passed, the bill would at last dump the four-letter word that disrespects our love for one another and disregards us as human beings and U.S. citizens.

According to DOMA, our legal marriage in California is, quite bluntly, totally bogus to the United States government. DOMA marks a federal foray into the dictionary business, defining the word “marriage” as “a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife,” and the word “spouse” as “a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.” Never mind that Frank and I both choked down tears as we stood before our family and friends and were pronounced “spouses for life.” Never mind that we care for each other in sickness and in health, that we hope to love, honor and cherish one another until the day we die (with any luck, together in the exact same moment). No, according to the American government, we are veritable roommates, like two little kids playing house. Cute, huh? Incidentally, the American Heritage Dictionary, Webster's, Black's Law Dictionary and the Oxford English Dictionary all now include same-sex relationships in their definitions of marriage.

Frank and I are strong. We can withstand this petty symbolic governmental bitch slap with the full knowledge that we are married, both emotionally and legally in the state wherein we live. But as we know to so often be the case with four-letter words, you can never drop just one, and so DOMA keeps on coming. Not only is our marriage a federal figure of speech, it is non-transferable from one state to the next. DOMA says that no state or territory or Indian tribe is required to recognize our marriage or to grant us any marital rights. In other words, we can whoop it up on our side of Lake Tahoe as legal spouses; wander over to the Nevada side of the lake, however, and our solemn vows are as null and void as if they never happened. 

Why does this matter? Well, aside from the sheer ridiculousness that we are legally married on one side of a lake and legal strangers on the other, it might not matter—if we never left California. It might not matter if we never visited our families in Texas at Christmas or never spent our vacation dollars elsewhere. Unfortunately, we love to travel. We also love our families and try to go home often. But when we arrive at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport and queue up for a rental car, we can kiss goodbye the spousal discount given to married couples. For one week’s stay, we will pay roughly $70 more because “just friends” don’t count as automatic authorized drivers. Does that matter? Well, yeah! We’re in a recession. Every dollar counts.

But it isn’t just about pride or pinching pennies. What if one of us had to accept a job in another state to secure our financial well-being? Well, we had better choose New York or Massachusetts or one of the very few states that do recognize our marriage. Otherwise, relocation means waiving our marital rights to medical decisions and spousal health insurance; spousal privilege in a court of law; shared property; inheritance without state tax penalties and more. But it gets so much worse. 

Should I wind up in an ER somewhere in middle America for, say, a severe kidney infection, Frankie, instead of being ushered to my bedside to hold my hand like any spouse, will likely be relegated to the waiting room. Not only that, she could be denied the power of attorney that we paid to put in place and I could die because a nurse refuses to listen when Frank says I am allergic to Bactrim, a common treatment for such infections. Never mind that Frank is my card-carrying health care agent, a legal designation that ostensibly requires our treatment as married people. Without “marriage,” it means little. All it takes is a call to security from one unsympathetic hospital staffer to shut Frank out of my health care concerns. If you are of the mind that these scenarios never happen—even my own mother is in denial—then please read here. Gay and lesbian spouses can be left to needlessly die alone.

But that’s just death. DOMA’s biggest sucker punch is to our livelihood—particularly in the federal ring, where married couples (read: one man and one woman) automatically receive 1,138 rights, responsibilities and protections. Let me just repeat that: There are 1,138 federal rights of marriage: pre-nups and inheritance; custodial rights to children, child support and alimony; maternity, funeral and bereavement leave; domestic violence intervention; Social Security pensions; and federal tax breaks for joint filing (God knows how much we might save!)—just to name a few. Never mind that we pay the same Social Security and taxes as everyone else. Never mind that we vote in the same elections. We are banned from drinking the benefits of the font of civil marriage. (For the full list of federal marriage rights, please read here.)

Frank and I should be entitled to every last one of these 1,138 gifts. Thanks to DOMA, we receive none. Zero. Nada. Thanks to DOMA we pay a higher price in life and in death. The Defense of Marriage Act does zip to defend our marriage. On the contrary, DOMA dangles us like bait just waiting to be snapped up and swallowed by a host of medical and economic woes and complex legal snafus. 

Like anyone else, Frank and I need defending. So does marriage, which is already in a long and steady decline. (Except in Massachusetts: The first state to opt for marriage equality also has the lowest divorce rate in the U.S.) The Respect Marriage Act would do just that: respect and protect all marriages rather than privileging a few. Our marriage does nothing to disrespect or belittle the marriage of any other couple out there; we are not waging war on marriage. Quite the opposite. We are raging against the machine that seeks to strip marriage of the dignity it deserves.