A Love Letter to Maine from One Second-Class Couple
Dear loving LGBT couples of Maine,
Tonight we sat glued to our twin laptops, separated only by a couple plates of reheated leftovers, compulsively refreshing the election results from your state. We shared a bottle of wine and surfed back and forth between the New York Times and the Bangor Daily News and the feeds of just about every live blogger known to us through Twitter so that we might stay on top of the news; so that we might, in a small way, be with you every step of the way, as so many Americans were with us this time last year.
Tonight was no different for us than election night one year ago. We agonized over the head-to-head race that was Prop 8 and now Question 1. We started our evening optimistic, and then anxiety set in. Anxiety gave way to fear and eventually sadness, our throats thick and eyes heavy as defeat became a certainty. Last year, we waited for days before the battle over Prop 8 was final; today we know that the ban on equality stands in your home state. You may score a recount; you may campaign to repeal. But one thing is certain, you've got a rocky road ahead.
When Prop 8 passed, we couldn't go anywhere—not to our local coffee shop or sandwich stand, to the bank or to the market—without looking at every single face and wondering "Did you vote against our marriage?" You too will wake up tomorrow with this same vulnerable distrust for your neighbors; you too will wake up tomorrow knowing that the majority of your state deems you unworthy of first-class citizenship. It is a weight heavier than any shoulders are meant to bear.
But here's the very fine silver lining: You will also wake up in the coming days to a support group you may not have known you had. Many of your neighbors, coworkers, family and friends will stand up to rally behind you. They will hold candles at vigils and wave signs in protest; they will say they never thought that Question 1 would pass; they will say they wish they had done more, and they will be ready to do so. Much of the country will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you, as they have done for us in California, to say that discrimination will not stand and that you do not stand alone. Maine will wake up to a new state of disharmony, where it is crystal clear that not all citizens are equal under the law.
Just like we wish we could have done more to save California from a state of inequality, we wish we could have done more for you. But since Prop 8 passed exactly one year ago, we have vowed to do all that we can: to tell our story over and over again, to educate folks on why marriage equality matters. We hope that you will also share your stories and shout them from the rooftops if necessary. Tell your neighbors just how many rights and protections you are officially denied; remind them that your children and families would have been better off.
You are, without a doubt, entering a stage of grief, and one that we know all too well. Don't be afraid to share it, to seek solace in your community, to take the opportunity to organize and prepare for the fight that is surely to come. Whatever you do, be graceful and remember that much of the opposition that rails against us draws their strength from fear and lack of knowledge. It's your duty, now more than ever, to educate them. And luckily, now more than ever, they might be willing to listen.
Our hearts are broken for you, but we take a bit of comfort in the win in Kalamazoo, where LGBT people are only just today protected under the law against discrimination in the day-to-day. We take heart in the projections from Washington State, where domestic partnership is looking up. The world is changing, and now is the time for you to put your full weight behind the fight for equality.
We sincerely hope this doesn't sound trite, but we are here for you. Our email inbox is always open, and we hope you'll share your stories with us too.
Yours in solidarity,
Frankie & Chloé
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Mike Russell
Paul J. O'Rourke
Vicki Boyd
The Wanderer
iamsurly
Sirenita Lake
Salon.com
Comments
As a straight man, I know there's absolutely nothing about your relationship that imperils my own.
One day... Somewhere! Until then, Frankie & Chloé, I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation, all progressive social change comes through the courts.... women's rights, people's of color civil rights, rights for the disabled all came about in spite of what the "common" man of the time considered acceptable.
Raise hell and use the anger you must be feeling to push this into the courts, so "blind" justice and start working. They won a battle, but the fight has just started. Keep punching them as hard as you can, and you will never be a loser.
We've come a long way, but not nearly far enough.
You cede much too much power to your fellow supermarketeers. You're obviously happy and fulfilled with your relationship. Fine, enjoy it. Why should it matter to you that others may find it creepy? Just pity them their prejudice.
Equal rights under the law, you bet. The right to be "married," who cares? It's not as if the institution has been such an eternal font of happiness for heterosexuals.
But moping around about what others in your community, or the country for that matter, think of your relationship actually disrespects that relationship. It doesn't sound that fragile to me.
Live on your own terms, not those of others.
That being said -- seriously, you think of yourselves as "2nd class" citizens? That's ridiculous. Did anyone take away your right to vote? To live where you wish (or with who you wish)? Prevent you from working? Make you sit at the back of the bus? Don't be absurd.
As far as I can see, gay couples live together openly even in rural and conservative areas of the nation, without harassment or legal sanction. Most people would be happy with that, without trying to destroy the definition of marriage for the OTHER 97.5% of the population.
Nobody is telling you what to do or how to live; maybe it's time you stopped telling OTHER people how to live or how to structure their society. If you hate the US so much, maybe realistically you should move to Canada or Spain, or some other pro-gay marriage country, where you can feel more "accepted".
I take solace in the fact that the votes in Maine and California were both far closer than the antigay votes in 2004. It seems likely that ten years from now, as the oldest and most homophobic generation dies out, the tide will turn on this issue. If the Supreme Court's 1967 decision overturning laws against interracial marriage had been put to a vote then, it would have easily been overturned, but there's no way it would be now. Likewise, future generations will be embarrassed for our era.
But a lot of folks honestly believe the lie that separate but equal is either possible or desirable. I don't think it's sunk in that same-sex couples in civil unions are routinely denied the rights civil unions are supposed to cover, because many of the folks in charge can get away with dismissing them as "pretend" marriages.
"When Prop 8 passed, we couldn't go anywhere—not to our local coffee shop or sandwich stand, to the bank or to the market—without looking at every single face and wondering "Did you vote against our marriage?" " - JustMarriedUs
I cannot go anywhere without wondering who voted for a lying Marxist scumbag. Who voted to bring socialism to America? Who voted to setup "hate crime" laws that create different punishments depending on who the victim was. Who voted to limit my ability to defend myself? Who voted to take more money from my paycheck? Who voted to increase the minimum wage which results in more unemployed young people? Who voted to rob bondholders of their property and hand it over to corrupt unions? Who voted to apologize to the world for being a superpower? Who voted to appease Russia and abandon Israel and eastern Europe allies?
There are much much bigger issues than than a government recognizing your relationship as a legal entity.
The reason you are so upset is because you a liberal which means you are more consumed by your identity than anything else. You want to be a victim; you like being a victim. Liberalism is the celebration of being a victim.
The great irony of all this is that in an effort to achieve results for gay marriage, you are willing to vote for lying, economically-illiterate, Marxist socialists. In other words, you value your gay identity over the freedom and economic liberty of everyone.
Tell that to the hundreds of thousands of dead Civil War soldiers. Or the tens of thousands of American patriots who fought against the Red Coats. I'm sure the Jews in Germany appreciated the "social change" of no longer being gassed.
In Washington we barely managed to affirm our legalized domestic partnership law. I hope that it is a step in the right direction and provides the important rights that any citizen deserves. Hopefully the scaredy cats will see that Washington isn't consumed by the fires of hell and that respecting all citizens and their rights to full self expression and all the benefits of citizenship is like cleanliness, right there next to godliness or whatever it is that they believe in. When that day comes, sooner better than later, Washington will find it in its heart to extend marriage rights to all its citizens. Until then, we have an incremental legal step in the right direction.
The message is this: liberals are morally superior. Therefore any opposition to liberal thought must come from a morally inferior person. How nuanced...
What are you talking about? Why am I a "troll"? Why am I a bully? OS is dominated by liberals. Every thread I post on I'm told I'm a troll and I should go away. How could I possibly be a "bully"?
I guess I could use your same childish reasoning and call you a troll and an agressive bully. Why do you haunt all of these threads with your angry trollish leftist hatred of conservatives? You are intolerant, period. You are a troll in the land of trolls.
Your apparently willful ignorance is astounding, as much here in OS as in regular Salon.
Check out http://www.equalitymatters.org/equality_matters/static/full_reasons for links to all the legal inequities that exist between gay and straight people in this country, only some of them related to marriage.
Positive change never comes from the ignorant masses. If we had left civil rights for African-Americans up to majority vote, this country would probably still be legally segregated. Biracial marriage would still be illegal. "Sodomy" would still be a crime.
Democratic government is not the same thing as mob rule. Part of the purpose of the "constitutional" part of constitutional democracy is the recognition of the need for the rights and lives of minorities, especially unpopular minorities, to be protected even when a clear majority supports stripping them of these rights. It is patently unjust to put the rights of minorities up for vote by the majority.
OK, so what you're saying is that when a gay couple shoots you in the head for denying them their rights, you'll finally respect the effort?
I contribute monthly to the Human Rights Campaign because everyone deserves the same rights (especially to have an acrimonious divorce since I just had one).
John, you really are hateful. That much is obvious as your comments in this topic have degraded from expressing your views, to name calling.
And, yes, I do think I'm morally superior to you. Just sayin'.
John is an ignorant fool.
Marxist socialist babblehead with no real knowledge or point to what he's saying.
So, John, nobody cares that you're a 'dissenter." It's the fact that you're truly ignorant - a state of mind that rational people wouldn't expose - yet you aggressively express that ignorance... which makes you a fool.
Only a fellow fool would be swayed by your slinging around political terms without any relation to reality. You use them for whatever emotional impact you're been taught they represent. The actual concepts are far beyond your knowledge or ability to discuss in a reasoned way. Your comments are adolescent ejaculations with no more intellectual heft than a fart.
So, climb down off that cross, pseudo-martyr. You're just another Catch 22 simpleton, too much a victim of your ignorance to understand that it's in deep deficit.
That's what gave you a raging case of political Asperger's, and confirms your troll status.
Respond if you wish, but I won't become a part of your farting comment section hijacking.
Somebody light a match.
I think you are a hateful troll. And I think you are morally inferior. Just sayin'.
Paul is an ignorant fool.
Marxist socialist babblehead with no real knowledge or point to what he's saying.
So, Paul, nobody cares that you're a 'dissenter." It's the fact that you're truly ignorant - a state of mind that rational people wouldn't expose - yet you aggressively express that ignorance... which makes you a fool.
Only a fellow fool would be swayed by your slinging around political terms without any relation to reality. You use them for whatever emotional impact you're been taught they represent. The actual concepts are far beyond your knowledge or ability to discuss in a reasoned way. Your comments are adolescent ejaculations with no more intellectual heft than a fart.
So, climb down off that cross, pseudo-martyr. You're just another Catch 22 simpleton, too much a victim of your ignorance to understand that it's in deep deficit.
That's what gave you a raging case of political Asperger's, and confirms your troll status.
Respond if you wish, but I won't become a part of your farting comment section hijacking.
How boring.
I wonder who here on this site will tolerate this kind of violent threat. Or who will defend this not-so-tacit support of violence against folks who disagree with them.
Take heart. Change is coming.
Detroit - openly gay new head of the city council.
Chapel Hill, N.C. - gay mayor.
Houston (TX!) - lesbian mayoral candidate going to a runoff, having won a plurality yesterday.
They're here. You're here. I'm here. Change will come.
In your post, you dismissed the use of court cases in favor of the Civil War, WWII, and the American Revolution.
What is one to assume other than that you only respect ends achieved through violence?
That you read my interpretation of YOUR philosophy as a "threat" ought to show you how ridiculous and disgusting your philosophy truly is.
"The moral arm of the universe is long but it bends toward justice." -MLK
There is a segment of society that considers polygamy a valid definition of marriage. And I am sure there are other views of what the marriage means. The question is should the legal contract of marriage be up to the individual, the courts or the society who has to live under the limits of the social contract decide?
For now it seems the society has decided not to change the legal definition of marriage in 31 states. Democracy is a fickle thing.
It required two double cappuccinos to wade through all your dialogue and, save for a few jolting moments, we are warmed by your well wishes and support, your encouragement (we know this isn’t over!) and your points well made to the “dissenters” in the room.
It’s true that our personal relationship is strong and, in many ways, quite fulfilled. We are two people in love, and we do not need approval from any person or government. That said, we DO need the “special rights” that the heterosexual majority of our country knowingly keeps to themselves—the numerous state rights afforded to married couples and the 1,138 federal rights, responsibilities and protections of civil marriage. (Thank you, Rosenkavalier, for bringing that up.) Until we have the same exact rights and protections as our straight friends, family members and peers, we will be second-class citizens in the United States. Because of the rights we are denied, we pay higher taxes in life and in death; our families are less protected.
Make no mistake, we do not enjoy being victims nor will we stand to be victimized. If not for the social liberals who have historically fought against the victimization of minority groups, half our population would still be banned from voting in any election, whether for president or against our marriage. (Hmm, maybe that’s an idea…) This is why we will continue to work to move public opinion, to challenge the courts, to call on our president to do something about it. We know that we will not win this by a popular vote—72% of Americans were still opposed to interracial marriage when it was legalized in 1967. We have more public support than that, and we’re on the right side of history.
Best to all of you, particularly to Mike Russell and his hubby in Maine.
How about you "tone it down". These threads are dominated by liberals. Have you ever told a liberal to "tone it down"?
I'll keep my tone just how I like it. Thanks for the advice though.
" - JustMarriedUs
Ah, so there we have it. You are taxed higher than others? Join the club.
How ironic. In order to reduce your taxes, you are voting for folks who want to raise taxes. Why not vote for those who want to lower taxes for everyone regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or income level?
If you are truly concerned about getting the tax benefits of married couples, why not vote for those whose aim is to reduce government control?
The truth is that you have no problem charging other people higher tax rates. You just want your own tax rates reduced.
For those like John who want to rip the authors a new one for expressing their sorrow, I'd like to hear a rebuttal to the rights they'd like to secure for their children. Why exactly should parents not fight for their children to have the same legal protections as everyone else?
I put up a post on my blog here, about the press conference in Portland today.
On our site, you will find stories that detail the 1,138 rights and protections that are denied to LGBT couples which include, but are certainly not limited to, tax breaks for joint filing. These very basic protections also include access to health insurance for spouses and children; Social Security pension; funeral and bereavement leave; joint parenting rights; tax-free inheritance; spousal privilege; next-of-kin status for emergency medical decisions.... The list goes on and on and on.
We hope you'll check out our site and share it with others. There some hearts and minds that we cannot change. But most of the country resides in an ideological middle—these are the folks we need to reach out to now.
www.justmarried.us
" - JustMarriedUs
Those same benefits are also denied to people who want multiple wives and those who are single.
Marriage is defined as a contract between a man and a woman. If you are so concerned that married people enjoy certain benefits, why not argue for a reduction in government oversight, period?
Why can't I collect Social Security checks right now? Why do I have to wait until I'm much older? If you support Social Security, why do you hate younger people?
Most of the so-called benefits afford to married couples could easily be changed on a case by case effort. Instead of banging your head against the wall in trying to redefine a tradition such as marriage, why not work on the little things where you could make progress?
When my spouse and I started speaking up about the injustice of existing marriage laws about ten years ago, people just looked at us like we were crazy or literally laughed. Now when we talk about it, most of the people we know (who we forgive for being selectively amnesiac about this) comment on how silly it is that not everyone agrees we deserve equal rights, and that one day our marriage will be recognized in all parts of this country. Even those who disagree are having to expend lots of time and money fighting marriage equality. It may not be today or tomorrow, but equality is coming. These setbacks rightly make us angry and heartsick, but the progress is real too. Rated, and I'm with all you Mainers in spirit too.
Liz
It does so like a great chick-flick movie theme though.
In a world where love is forbidden, two men beat all odds..."I love you, man! They can't take them from me." "Damn you, you oppressive government! Damn you! Why are you against love? Love! LOVE!"
In theaters near you...
Concerning the adoption of children within the same sex household; this should not be allowed. Not because the couple would not make great parents or because they are somehow deficient. God gives gifts to us all. Children are gifts resulting from a male and female coming together as one (regardless of today’s technology.) God gives this to them. Thus the children, a result of male and female should be raised by male and female ideally. Due to the tragedy in our lives this may not always be possible as the many single moms can attest to. The same sex couple although quite capable of showing the love, compassion and expertise to raise children in a warm, loving household was not given this gift or responsibility. God has set the LGBT children on a different path but with still the same goal. He has given them unique challenges to face and along with gifts to ultimately find happiness in the Truth. We can love each other and disagree. We can discuss and remain respectful of each other’s human dignity. We can pray for each other. We are all still part of the same human family. No one is better or worse than his/her brother/sister. To some of you on both sides; don’t let your passions for your viewpoint blind you to the value and worth of each other. Peace
My personal point of view is the latter. Be very careful; public opinion can snap back to the median with a vengeance.
Your usual bigoted rants are distasteful on normal Salon, but here, in Open Salon, and especially commenting on these people, you are just flat out disgusting. Low rent, low class, totally, undeniably trashy.