They move among you, quietly and not so quietly, breathing the same air, eating the same food, shopping at the same stores, watching the same TV shows and movies, working out at the same gyms, being managed by you, managing you, and pretending to be your neighbors, friends and/or family. You’ll never know that they’re secretly analyzing you, cataloguing everything you say, every move you make, everything your body language is betraying, what you’re wearing and where you bought it from. They will exploit your innermost secrets at their whim and for their own pocketbook. You should by all rights be terrified at their very existence, only you have no idea who they are. You should be breaking out in a cold sweat each night you go to sleep and each time you step out of your home. You can feel their eyes on you. You can hear the whispers of their twisted obsessions.

They are…authors.

And let’s face it, we lead double lives. I have a very private life with my family and they don’t always keep up with my author life, and I have my author life where the public doesn’t always know much about my private life. Sure, I share a detail here and there, but you wouldn’t know my family if you saw them on the street. But we’d know you! <cue maniacal laughter>

We look just like everybody else, but we aren't. And this one here holds a terrible secret necessary for his survival.

It amazes me how much people don’t know about us when you’d think they would. My own brother-in-law doesn’t know he’s officially my brother-in-law yet (still waiting for the Pookster to break that one to him), my father-in-law doesn’t know one of his worst nightmares has come true (that he has a son-in-law, not that the son-in-law is me per se…though that would give anybody a cold chill), and my Grandmonster-in-law doesn’t know she’d be offing a family member if any of the Chinese mafia hitmen she hires ever actually hits their target. As for my own extended family, nobody really knows. Or rather, they don’t know the extent of it.

My aunts and grandmother–who I just started speaking with again in the last two months after 15 years of not speaking–think I’ve only published a single book and know nothing about my glbt novels. They have no idea that I’ve loosely based characters in these books on them. They have no idea I have a husband or that I’m even married. Why? Because they haven’t asked. Yet. They haven’t asked yet. I’m sure they will one day. Surprise! I come from a family that can’t help themselves when it comes to poking into each other’s business.

Speaking of poking, there’s also something else I feel I should share with you. It’s something deeply personal, but one I just keep thanking He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Blu-Ray-Racks for that only one person knows…just how damn good in bed I am. You have NO idea how chaotic my life would be if the world knew. Pookie just hasn’t realized how much money he could be making pimping my tight little white self out. That’s probably a good thing since I wouldn’t have much time for it anyway despite the nice surge in income. As it is, I’m on the cusp of making a very big decision about my immediate future.

But that, dear ladies and gentlemen, is a topic for a future blog post and not for today. As of this writing, I’m still trying to get the hubby packed for his flight tomorrow, get him in the shower and then to bed. He’ll hopefully not be snoring is adorable little head off tonight from the jetlag, but we’ll see.

Until Thursday, ciao!

Kage

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Kage Alan is  the Phantoms watching, Ego Likeness listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He hopes to have had a better night of sleep by the time you’re reading this because Saturday night was just horrible for it. Sure, he was happy, he was warm and he was sleeping next to his husband, but do you have ANY idea just how much snoring power his half Asian has? It’s inconceivable that one thin person could make that much noise!