Original Publication Date: Jan 30, 2009

Commence Recording
“This time, it’s war!” Aliens

5 days of bliss is apparently 5 days too many. Yes, folks, war was declared today and it started off so splendidly…maybe evenly. At least not unexpectedly. We woke up around 8am, had a nice cup of tea together as a group and then hastened out to do our 2009 Hong Kong bank tour. During each visit, the Grandmonster forces us to wander around from one bank to the next in order for her to show off her first born grandson (if you’re not first born, you so screeeeeeeewed!) to workers who could care less, move money around and otherwise kill an entire perfectly decent morning. It is, as Pookie explains, the way of things. I’ve come to think of it as ‘the charming way of EVIL’.

That’s not the bad part.

One of the poor souls who has no choice but to serve her as a minion of evil decided to meet us for lunch at the Kowloon Hotel.

That’s not the bad part either.

Pookie ordered the Business Set luncheon for us, which was several tiny courses spaced out over an hour and a half. Here’s where things started to go wrong. None of us realized that the Shark Fin Soup was the Sour and Spicy kind…until we all took our first sip. Um, holy shit! HELLA OUCH! HELLA HOT!! And I knew, I fracking godsdamn KNEW that the liquid fire going in was going to be liquid fire going out worse than that stupid colon-cleansing cabbage the day before. But I get ahead of myself.

You can see the resemblance, can’t you? Mild mannered half Asian by day, glorious robot fighter at night!

So here’s where things got worse. During the course of a pleasant conversation, our guest (the aforementioned minion of evil) mentioned a Taiwanese friend of hers who travels all over the world, invests, owns her own company and, oh, by the way, is single and currently in town. Cue the Grandmonster to pipe up and remark how remarkable a coincidence that is and whisper whisper shhhh shhhh.

If you, dear reader, haven’t already said it, I’ll say it for you. THAT BITCH. This makes twice she’s done this to me in the last 3 years. The Grandmonster isn’t stupid. She’s just annoying and very well aware that Pookie and I are together, and she continually attempts to undermine the relationship by pulling these little stunts. I thought I was going to have to invite this evil old witch outside and throw down with her right then and there, but I don’t, though I am clenching the seat to my ass like I would an Asian porn star on a first date.

As expected, the Grandmonster does an end run around me and sets a dinner up for Saturday night. That just so happens to be Pookie’s birthday. Adding insult to injury, she asks him if I would be offended if she took him out to dinner with the aforementioned Taiwanese friend and didn’t invite me along.

Okay, folks, I don’t know about you, but I was seeing red at this point. And I was honest when I told him that I wasn’t the least bit offended. I just neglected to mention the colorful metaphors I WAS feeling. I guess part of my birthday gift to him is going to be not creating a scene over it.

The Grandmonster is no saint, let me tell you. We’ve seen the pictures and heard the stories right from the horse’s mouth about all the men she dated back in the day. The Queen of Darkness here has had more nuts in her than a Snickers bar.

I stewed on that for several hours until we were to meet our friend, Jerry, at Time’s Square. He was on his way up to the 9th floor…which is when the Shark’s Fin soup started a rather loud, gurgling journey to my ass from wherever it had been laying in hiding. I now know I have buns of steel because nothing was getting out until I found the local toilet…on the other side of the mall. And those three sons-of-bitches who were occupying the stalls when I walked in? The one who was talking on the cell phone received a scolding I know he didn’t understand, yet got the gist of. Just like I thought, it was liquid fire going back out. Jerry was a bit leery inviting us over to his flat after that. Think about it. Would you want someone who just ran to the bathroom shouting “My ass is on fire!” sitting on your furniture?

Until tomorrow.

XOXO Gossip Guy

End Recording

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Kage Alan is  the Lost (Season 2) watching, Blondie listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He finally go to the finale of Season 2 on LOST and was not the least bit impressed. This second season really went to shit. It’s like the writers were making it up as it went along and had no clear direction of where they wanted to go as they did in the first season.