Illinâ€™ in the Third Degree With a Situation-Selective ADD Husband
Birthdays are a big deal in our family. So’s being sick, mostly because we really only go above and beyond the call of duty excelling at being sick once a year per person, just like birthdays. The difference is that we don’t celebrate our being ill. We cope…and in our own selfishly annoyingly unique way. The funny thing is our habits really haven’t changed much during my four…um…thirty years of existence. My husband even has his own way of dealing with being under the weather, which, I’m sure, seems as silly to me as my way does to him. Though his way really is genuinely silly compared to mine. I’m just sayin’. It’s the one time being married to an alpha male turns itself right on its head.
Now, when it came to being sick, my father had the absolute best way of handling it. He would stretch out in his chair, recline, mom would set up the vaporizer next to him and he’d rest/sleep. He was quiet about it, he’d take his medication and he’d go to the doctor like a normal, sane person should. Out of everybody, dad did it with class and he did it quietly. I can’t recall ever hearing him complain and that’s something I greatly respect. Mom and I really should have taken after him.
And speaking of mom… Well, mothers in general tend to be like Sherman tanks in life. Dads make you come to them for discipline whilst mothers take off in hot pursuit of your little ass. They weren’t patient. They didn’t care about making you think about what you’d done during the walk of shame to them. Justice would be swift and performed between household duties both quickly and quite loudly with lots of yelling. Being ill for my mother is much the same way, only she can’t spank it. It annoys the hell out of her, she won’t go to the doctor unless she feels it’s time–mothers should never be allowed to make this determination for themselves–and she absolutely will not be happy during the recovery period.
This isn’t a lesson one learns at age 7 or 8 either. Walking up to mum and asking “Are you going to cook dinner tonight?” is NOT the most appropriate thing to do, even at that age. “How are you? Can I get you some water? Would you like me to refill the vaporizer? Some hot tea, maybe? I’ll take the dog outside so you can rest. I’ll go play in my room so the noise doesn’t bother you. Oh, and by the way, is there anything I can do to help with dinner tonight?” That might have gone over a little better. A whole lot better, actually.
I’m a little like mom in that I don’t enjoy being sick, I don’t enjoy going to the doctor and I generally want to be left the (censored) alone…until I get hungry. At that point, whoever is taking care of me should be well-versed in the signs of my hunger and prepared to satisfy that hunger so that the beast–that would be me–will go back to sleep and leave the world intact. I also don’t like phone calls when I’m sick. “Were you sleeping?” Yes. “You want me to call you back later?” What the (censored) do you think? You already did it once, so you figure it’s okay to do it later, too? Unless the world is coming to an end or Spacehunter is coming out on Blu-Ray, talk to me tomorrow!
Pookie isn’t nearly as volatile. No, no. My alpha male husband becomes the epitome of needy. He wants to lay down either on the couch or in bed, have the TV on, a cup of tea or juice next to him, a piece of toast with peanut butter spread on it, and moan–seriously, he moans about his condition. He’ll turn over once in a while, moan, moan in his sleep and latch on to me. I kinda like it, especially if I have the remote control next to me. I get to watch over him, make sure he stays hydrated, can get him food if he wants it and watch a little TV while cuddling with my big ferocious tiger! And he gets to moan and deal with being sick exactly the way that makes him happy; eating, drinking and cuddling with his dog.
Sounds like an ideal situation, doesn’t it? And is it reciprocated? Kind of. When I’m sick, he’ll check in on me, ask me if I’d like anything and if I do, he’ll start making me tea or head out to pick me up something to eat, then develop ADD. Meanwhile, I’m making my own damn tea and calling to ask why he’s at Macy’s instead of Boston Chicken.
“Well, you’re obviously feeling better if you can pick up the phone and call me.”
“God’s going to get you for that, Walter.”
“Huh? Who’s Walter?”
“It’s from Maude. Bea Arthur?”
“K, we’re gay. We identify with The Golden Girls.” *click* “K? K? If you’ve hung up on me!”
Kage Alan isÂ the Black Dawn watching, Mader listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Knowing he shouldn’t, he went ahead and ordered four shirts to take with him to DragonCon. They are what they call in the biz ‘attitude’ shirts. For those of you wondering what they are, keep wondering. He’ll present them at DragonCon despite leaking one of them on Facebook yesterday. We’re pretty sure he’ll also post pics once he returns…or during. During is better.