Has anyone ever told you–as someone has me–that no matter how difficult you think you have it, somebody somewhere has it worse? There’s a definite ring of truth to that with today’s post. I’ve had drama in my life. My friends have had drama in theirs. People I only know through social media and e-mail have theirs. That being said, I don’t know anyone who went through the experiences Scott here has. I’m sure they’re out there, but they’ve remained silent. Scott remained silent…until now.
This is one of those rare times I don’t feel one of my regular introductions is even necessary. I will tell you, however, that I cried after reading this. And whatever your reaction to this Face of Gay, I hope you’ll leave a comment for the author at the bottom. He’ll be reading them throughout the day.
Finally, if you have a story of your own that you’d like to share, please let me know. I don’t have anything lined up beyond today’s.
The Face of Gay 8 (Anonymous as Scott)
Hi, my name is Scott (not my real name, but it’s still a good name). I see myself as many things and gay just happens to be one of them. I want to be very clear, this NOT a poor me story. I know that everyone has their own issues and hurdles to overcome, and these are some of my obstacles. It is with an open-heart that I share with you, and I hope you read this with an open mind.
I guess I should tell you that I am a “big” guy. I am about 300 pounds. Even as a child I was on the larger side, but as a young child I guess I never noticed. I was happy and carefree. I guess being a little “chubby” back then wasn’t a big deal to me, but when my MAJOR weight started adding up was between 6th and 7th grades. I was 13 years old and puberty is a wicked time, but I also had a secret. I had known I was gay for years; I believe we are born gay and I was ok with myself. At the time it was just feelings of, “I’m pretty sure I like boys and not girls, and WOW George Michael is cute,” but someone suspected that I was having those thoughts and feelings and decided they were going to show me how to act on them. I didn’t realize what was going to happen next until it was too late.
I was trapped and made to feel disgusting and shameful. He said if I told anyone I would be disowned. “You’ve already done it once, and you better keep doing it unless you want me to tell everyone, and then you’ll be all alone. Nobody will want you.” I believed these lies and it escalated into, “If you want to see your friends you’ll do this,” and then when I became so withdrawn that I had no friends it became, “If you want to see your Grandma you’ll do this.” I was trapped until I was 17 years old.
Years later I saw a therapist. She told me that I must have enjoyed it because otherwise I would have stopped it. I have always been shocked by that statement, because of all people, a therapist should know the control/fear issues associated with sexual abuse. I refused to see myself as a victim because I would not let it have that much power over me. I had come to terms with it, and in many ways it broke me down, but I didn’t let it destroy me.
My 20’s and most of my 30’s I was determined to find someone who would love me. I was looking for my soul mate. Unfortunately, all I found was rejection. After each rejection came another “nobody loves me” pity party and they were ALWAYS catered by Little Caesar or Hungry Howie’s. Food became my replacement for a boyfriend. It gave me an excuse. I told myself that I was single because I was fat, and that any man worth having would see past my weight and see me for the person I was inside. That man never showed up. Again, I had been broken down, but still not destroyed.
Over the last few years I’ve lost some very important people in my life, I’ve been told some very hurtful things, and I’ve been treated almost as if I’m less than human. It’s a double edged sword when you’re gay AND fat. It’s strange to me, but sometimes it seems as if people think fat is a shield or a buffer and they can say or do anything they want without consequence. The person I called my “best friend” for over 17 years told me one night, “Unless you plan on losing about 100 pounds you better start enjoying being alone because gay men have standards, and unless they are drunk or on drugs, cute guys don’t go for fat guys.”
I feel withdrawn and I’ve lost my way in life. I’m no longer the fun person I once saw in the mirror. I stopped loving myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. I’m tired and just wanting to feel better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m damaged, completely broken, and destroyed.
Who would have thought that after surviving 5 years of sexual abuse, that loneliness would be my breaking point?
The Previous 5 entries in the Face of Gay Series:
Kage Alan is the Dead Silence watching, Glass Tiger listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” I remember watching Dead Silence in the theater and looking forward to it. Unfortunately, it just didn’t live up to its potential. Funny thing is I found an interview with the screenwriter and read about how the story got pitched and how they really didn’t have much of a story. The director did the best he could and it did have potential. Such is life.