Being a writer is extremely taxing, very difficult, and borderline excruciating work. It really is. The writing part is easy, though I’ve been told by friends that you really don’t even need talent for it. How else can you explain Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey? That’s according to them, my friends. I’ve never read the books. I also don’t have any plans to read them and that’s okay. Stephenie Meyer and E.L. James have never read mine either, so we’re good. Besides, these same friends tell me that the use of a real plot and interesting characters all written in the grammatically correct English language would confuse them. By them, they mean the authors. Notice how PC and specific I am about this? It’s in case I ever run into these people–and by people I mean the authors–and have to explain my comments. Hey, I said they haven’t read me. I never said they didn’t know who I am. Who doesn’t? Which brings us to our point in today’s post; How To Create The Persona of an Author!
We’ve been doing it for years. And by we, I mean us, real authors. We’ve also got it down to a few fairly simple rules. Are you ready? Here we go…
1) Pick a cause or two and be crabby about it!
Stupid people tend to irritate me. Stupid people who drive, don’t use their blinker and throw their cigarette butts out the window irritate me even more. Backstabbing drama queen stupid people who talk about changing their lives and then never do anything at all to change them just so they have something to bitch about pretty much take the cake, though. The only stupid people above that level are the politicians who desire to take my marriage rights away and tell me I’m not natural. I’m unnaturally natural, thank you.
Now, you’ll want to choose your own cause, though we do sometimes unite. If you want to have some fun, ask Dorien Grey about SPAM mail. Or about Lindsay Lohan. He can’t get enough of either. heh heh heh Just don’t ask her to call him again. He doesn’t like that and I think his neighbors may have finally forgiven him for the plethora of colorful metaphors shouted out in that short conversation.
2) Use your spouse and in-laws for fodder!
I’ve never liked the idea of my husband talking about me in some amateur, unflattering way. He hasn’t and he wouldn’t because he’s a professional smartass, not an amateur. Anything he says will be professionally unflattering, yet amuse his friends. Most of his friends don’t approve of me, so to offset this, I preemptively started telling stories about him. They’re true, they’re mostly flattering (especially when I talk about his Asian loins) and they’re slightly exaggerated (but not when I talk about his Asian loins…because those are HUMONGOUS and don’t require exaggeration). Is he okay with this? And by this, I mean the stories, not his loins. He admires his loins enough for the both of us. Yes, he’s good with the stories. They make people laugh, nobody has any idea who he is, and they help to sell books. His loins inspire me to write them and stories about him inspire people to buy them. The books, not his loins. They couldn’t afford those. His loins.
It would really behoove you if you had an in-law, too, especially an elderly grandmother who is somehow related to Satan. I do and her evil exploits are legendary. Don’t think for a second I don’t take great pride in relating them to all of mankind and in at least four or five languages. Exposing her totally pisses her off and it’s so worth it.
3) Hang out with the appropriate fabulous celebrity types!
It’s completely appropriate for gay men to hang out with beautiful straight female actors. Katee Sackoff? Total knock-out! Jewel Staite? Morena Baccarin? Ooh laa laa. Elvira? Sure, not that anybody will be looking at you anyway. Kate Mulgrew? A bit grandmotherly, but impressive. When it comes to lunches, I highly recommend Kylie or Madge. Not only do they never order from the menu–which thereby allows you to order something that’s not on the menu–but people automatically know you’re one of their gays and will crawl over each other to find out who you are. Just watch out for Madge. If she gets a bug up her ass, you’ll be paying for her lunch and she’s not cheap.
As for hanging with male celebrities, they should be people who are very secure in their masculinity, who preferably wear boxers and maybe even smoke (just not around you and especially not around me). Garrett Wang comes to mind. Not only is he the consummate gentleman, but he wears his hair long while I wear mine short. People look at him and say “Wow! That’s Garrett Wang!”, then look at me and wonder “Wow! Who’s his fabulous stylist?” My stylist is another fabulous gay man. Buy one of my books and I’ll tell you who. Adam Baldwin is another perfect choice. Now, I know you’re probably thinking Nathan Fillion, but you’d be wrong. Nathan is awesome for pictures, but this guy is SUCH a ham that nobody will remember you were with him for a second. He totally steals the room. Bitch.
I think those are enough to start with. You can begin them in your spare time when you aren’t writing. I, in the meantime, am going to look at snagging another paid Tweet. Dorien Grey recently released a new book and I think Lindsay Lohan doesn’t charge that much to tweet it from her account. heh heh heh
Oh, that brings up 4) Be EVIL!
Kage Alan is the Ladyhawke watching, Tangerine Dream listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He returned from DragonCon, saw his husband for four days, inherited his mother-in-law for the next two weeks and is simply exhausted. We’re talking so exhausted that he’ll probably sleep for a good 12 hours tonight. That’s what we mean by exhausted.