I once wanted to be a dog, a meter reader and a grocery store packer, which I thought was pretty bold and completely controversial to admit in a public blog post. If my staff ever figures out my laptop password or cracks the wireless password…or chews through the shackles and escapes…it’s entirely possible they could see it and try to blackmail me with it. Can’t have that. But as controversial as I thought it was to admit, it isn’t what people responded to the most. No, that would be a certain loss of virginity in third grade; mine. So moving along, let’s pick things up in fifth grade.
63 pounds and four foot eight and a half. The year my class had the meanest beytoch the school had ever known. Her name was Ruth Sobers and while I don’t enjoy speaking ill of the dead, she was so old school disciplinarian that I’m not even sure she liked herself. We certainly didn’t like her. Ruth would have fit in perfectly in a corporate environment. Rule with an iron fist and smash someone’s ego down to nothing each and every day. Not a good year. I did start playing the cornet and received a safety award, so not everything was crap. Future vocations I listed being interested in included being a policeman and astronaut again (seriously, I’m not Lance Bass–this had to have stemmed from seeing Star Wars) and a movie star. Finally! Something in the entertainment industry.
70 1/2 pounds and four foot eleven. We started school a week late due to a teacher’s strike, the first ever in the Fraser school district. Just a little trivia for you. Anybody remember the Iowa tests we used to have to take? I’m not sure they even still have them today, but we had them then and we didn’t even live in Iowa. Irony? Well, I tested highest (in my scores) in 1981 in the areas of capitalization and map reading. Capitalization and map reading? Seriously? Guess what I scored low in the year after? Exactly. I must have been trying to make a point in my own unique way even back then. On a plus note, I had a cornet solo during our Sixth Grade graduation. Oh, and what did I want to be when I grew up? An astronaut or a werewolf. Back to losing crayons again, but I blame An American Werewolf in London for that answer. That film seriously helped me enjoy puberty and I’ve had a soft spot for every werewolf move ever released.
81 1/2 pounds and five foot one. My homeroom teacher was Dr. Behling, or as we called him, Boring Behling. I met a girl many years later at Grand Valley who knew some of the Fraser teachers. We ran some names past each other and I related the story of Boring Behling. Turns out he was her uncle. So, you know, NOT exactly a story that earned me any points, not that I was looking to score points. Now, if she’d had a cute brother, then maybe. The School Years scrapbook changes its format at this point and eliminates the What I Want To Be When I Grow Up section and that’s probably for the best after the werewolf thing. I did notice I did something different in the signature area. Instead of signing my regular old name, I signed it Mr. Kage A. Alan the 1st. Yes, this may have been the beginning of my smartassery. Maybe. I also played the Leprechaun in The Leprechaun’s Pot of Gold, my very first ever live production.
95 pounds and five foot five. The growth spurt years! And if you thought puberty wasn’t bad enough, you should have seen what it did to my hair. No stylist could make sense of what the top of my head had become. I think this is also the year I learned that science wasn’t going to be my thing. Why? I didn’t so well in that subject. It wasn’t even theoretical science either. No, this was Physical Science…where it’s interactive to make learning more fun. Was it? Apparently not. And remember the Gates Tests? Guess what I scored lowest in? Mechanical Reasoning, but there’s a reason for it. I knew I’d have a full time mechanic on my staff one day who could reason all he or she wanted, so instead of learning all that crap, I left room for other things, like Language Usage. I scored Much Above Average there. Finally, I performed in the second play of my short career, The Invisible Man.
As much as I’d love to keep reminiscing, I think that’s a good place to cut it off today. High school was a beast unto itself, so I think I’ll tackle that last. But this one time…at band camp…
Kage Alan is Â The Hunger Games watching, Alan Silvestri listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Okay, yes, I finally watched The Hunger Games. I can’t say I’m entirely sure what all the fuss was about. It was okay, but somewhat tame. If it’s social commentary, I much prefer the Japanese film Battle Royale. It’s entirely possible the books were better and a little less tame. There was definitely information I was hoping to get about the society shown in the film that was never conveyed. The books probably did that. Oh, well. I’m interested enough to see what happens to the characters in the next film, but I can’t say I was crazy about this one. I’ll stick with Battle Royale.