When I happened upon what a big huff and a puff the New York Times made this morning about nude hiking in the Swiss Alps I felt denuded, sheared, of my veneer of innocence much like sheep in Auckland. If Arab-Americans fainted at the sight of two pale rumps against the glare of Alpine snow, Indian-Americans around the world are presently banding together, even as I write, over how stories like this encourage exclusionist tendencies. 

So I, on behalf of the Indian-American community, shall declare, proudly, that this tanned group isn’t all that much of an outdoorsy type.  So will the Times stop its cliquish swagger and begin catering to the sensibilities of its always-overdressed, well-educated  (even if a bit stuck-up) readers from this minority?

And now I touch upon a few reasons why hiking in the nude generally won’t work for most groups and how, most definitely, it will not work for Indian-Americans. Several websites such as this one dedicated to hiking in the nude refer to extra precautions from poison ivy and bugbites. 

But my points are not merely skin-deep.

Do you want to see clearly What Men Want versus What Women Want?

When you and your partner are worn down to the bone on your hike in nothing but a backpack and your hiking boots, and trekking up an icy bluff and Uma Thurman and Daniel Craig are coming at you from the other side in nothing but a Hermes Scarf and a Nike cap, respectively, will or won’t your bodies betray you, ladies, and (especially) gentlemen?

Remember, people, that the only cover you can run for is, unfortunately, on your back. Rest assured, somebody in your group is bound to be a Dead Man Walking.

Consider this - comparisons don’t happen when you don’t have a stitch on:

“When two Indians meet as strangers, the encounter is often a duel to ascertain the ‘auqat’ of the other.” Like the author of  Being Indian, Pavan Verma, says, ‘auqat’ doesn’t have an exact equivalent in English but at its simplest, ‘auqat’ means status. When my fellow Indian-Americans don’t have a way of brandishing their material possessions–an iPhone, perhaps a Rolex, a visiting card may be–what will they use to help size up their ‘auqat’? I leave the rest to your powers of imagination.

Caution-Nude hiking may spark unwelcome religious debates:

Calling all Indian-American Brahmins: hiking threadbare invites comments on the white thread against the brown skin of your chest, such as: “Aha, a Hindu Brahmin, I see?” And then, look how a casual remark flung while clothed, explodes into a loaded observation while stark naked: “A Moslem, I presume?”

As Dr. Amartya Sen says in The Argumentative Indian, “we do like to speak”, and chances are that Indian-Americans will end up arguing with everyone in a tour group about ideology and dogma.  And one small misstep in the nude in the Alps could become a giant misstep for Mankind.

Danger, Rocks and Close Encounters of the Worst Kind :

In No Full Stops in India, Mark Tully lays bare the hang-ups of Indians with respect to caste and creed. I quote out of context here but, men, look how nude hikes add another layer of complexity to your already beleaguered lives. 

 “But although all men may be equal in God’s eyes, they can never be equal in the eyes of other men, and because of that basic flaw in the doctrine of egalitarianism we in the west now talk of ‘equality of opportunity’." 

Finally, to the New York Times, telling Indian-American readers like me about nudist sightings on the Appenzell is tantamount to my requesting a nudist to please slip my car keys into his pocket for the duration of our hike.

You can’t find enough holding places when you’re in the buff and forcing things into tight corners could have disastrous outcomes.