Question: What do Ozzy Osbourne, Verne Troyer, Mr. T, myself, and 11 million other people have in common?
Answer:
- Far too much free time than we know what to do with.
- A pig-headed refusal to put down the computer mouse and join the land of adults.
- One too many Hotpockets at the keyboard on a late night.
Aw, hell. I'll just let Verne explain it:
Thanks, Verne. By the way, it's closer to 11 million now.
Man, gnomes creep me out.
*shiver*
Of course, I'm speaking here of Verne's gnome. Not the actual Verne; he's adorable.
So, following the official script:
"My name is Kasey Everly. I live in Howell, Michigan, and I'm a Warlock."
A Badass Bitch.
This is Akurra, my alter-ego. She's 64 days, 4 hours, and 47 minutes old.
(That's in actual time played, in case you're wondering. But not all at once. I'm not 12 for crying out loud). The Dirty Girl Scouts is my guild, and I am its fearless leader. (More on guilds later.)
Don't let her sexy looks, cute, pointy ears, and that "The Patient" title after her name mislead you -- this is one badass bitch. She has enough spellpower to melt your face down to its eyesockets and hand it back to you as a steaming hot blackened charcoal briquette. If you so much as glance incorrectly in her direction, she will not hesitate to shoot a chaos bolt straight up your poop chute; she has a virtual menagerie of demonic pets straight from the bowels of Hell at her disposal, and she's not afraid to use one first to tear off your limbs then, secondly, to fetch her a pair of bedroom slippers and the morning paper. Plus, unlike Verne Troyer's fail mage, Akurra looks smokin' hot in a dress.
I started playing World of Warcraft about five years ago as a total fluke. I had never really been into video games at all as a kid, but at that particular time in my life I was going through some things I wasn't quite ready to deal with, and so I was in desperate need of a distraction. Hookers and cocaine aren't exactly my style, but, on the other hand, neither is needlepoint. However, I can sit and blow up murlocs all day.
Murloc: Tastes like Chicken
For the record: Yes, I understand this is not the most adult way to spend my free hours. I also understand that, after you, dear reader, fully grasp the hard fact that I have played my alter ego for the time eqivalent of 64 days and counting, and add to that I have three other characters I've maxed out to level 80 (a druid, a rogue, and a priest), whose total hours played I haven't even figured into this equation, your reaction will understandably be one of two things:
- Disgust
- Amusement
There are a couple of reasons why I sometimes prefer playing Wow to "the real" as players refer to life outside of the game. Here are a few:
- I can instantly be 20 lbs. thinner and shoot fire out of my hands.
- Your "mount" doesn't require oil changes, gasoline, or monthly payments with interest.
- The amount of money you make (i.e. "gold") actually depends on the amount of work you put into the game, unlike our real economy, which typically rewards failure. Consequently, the wealthier you are in Wow, the more likely you are broke in the real because all that time you spent farming for gold could have been spent making real money at a real job.
- It's very clear who your enemies are in Wow: it's whoever or whatever is shooting shit at you or trying to eat you for breakfast. In actual life, this is not always the case. Real enemies are often as subtle as that annoying rogue who keeps stealthing up behind you and shanking you when you're not looking. God, I hate rogues. Except for my rogue. She's awesome.
- In Wow, you are only as uber as your gear. It's all about the clothes. Ok, so this is kind of like real life. But, have you ever looted a pair of boots off of some man-eating monster you just slayed with a giant two-handed sword in the middle of Bloomingdales? I didn't think so.
- Speaking of uber, there is an entire lexicon at your disposal as a gamer -- words like epic, leet, pwn, wtfpwn, phat, n00b, and lewtz -- that you just wouldn't say in the real because you would sound like a complete jackass. On the other hand, this type of conversation is perfectly acceptable in a game like WoW:
Guy 1: Dude, that leet fury warrior didn't just pwn that noob. He wtfpwned 'em.
Guy 2: Really? Well, he must have had him some epic phat lewtz to pwn like that.
Guy 2: Really? Well, he must have had him some epic phat lewtz to pwn like that.
But it isn't the tasty murlocs, or the phat lewt, or the epic pwnage that has kept me coming back to this game for the last five years. What I really like about it most -- that is, what I think really is the attraction for most of the 11 million people who do play -- is that Wow is a social game that also is sort of a phenomenon really. Players typically join up in groups we call guilds and do events together. You meet lots of really cool people along the way, in a addition to a small handful of real idiots. But mostly, people are nice. I mean, if 11 million people play -- and those people include Verne Troyer, Ozzy, and Mr. T -- there has to be something to it doesn't there?
The truth is, that "something" is that we're all a bunch of raging geeks. Yes, even you, Ozzy (unless, of course, you were just doing a paid promotional, which I happen to find much more plausible). But that's ok. Really. I'm not going to try to make Warcraft out to be anything other than the a past-time for eggheads, geeks, dweebs, freaks, and the otherwise socially inept who have a very good chance of still living in their mother's basement. Let's just say it's a pretty safe bet that many Wow players have been shoved into their locker during their high school career at least once. Hell, not even a lengthy article in the L.A. Times about Blizzcon (an annual World of Warcraft convention of sorts) and the actual coming together of guildmates in the real to attend could sex it up. These guys still came across as a bunch of immature mouthbreathers sitting in a Disney bar NOT getting laid. But to know them is to love them, I'm sure.
The two people I play WoW with more than anyone live miles and miles away from me, and from each other. My friend Sierra lives in Lincoln, Nebraska and Kate lives on military base with her husband, Josh, in Louisiana (he also plays). I've never met either of these women in person, but when we're in game, we throw on our headsets, and chat it up about real life stuff and game stuff and pretty much anything that comes to mind while we run around and kill scary fire-breathing dragons that drop epic phat lewtz. I consider these two women very good friends who I've known for quite some time now and I know that if I ever did have a chance to meet them in the real, I would adore them just as much.
Some people view this type of behavior as symptomatic of a deep social isolation that ever increasingly casts a dark pall over American culture.
I call it a fabulous time.
I leave you with one of my all time favorite Wow-related vids from a really talented on-line comedy troupe, The Guild.
And since it's Valentine's Day tomorrow: Did I mention Akurra is single? She's looking for some Epic Luv if you ever find your way to Azeroth.
Just watch out for her chaos bolts.
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Comments
~grin~
Second off, though, I never did get into WOW, I can see how it can turn into something as you describe, the many hours thrown into this world.
In college I did the whole MUD(Multi user dungeons or dimensions) and got involved in a couple of them to the point of joining guilds, building a kingdom and almost getting cyberwedded to a princess all the while killing dragons and other monsters and knights who only existed as text descriptions.
Rhak was a kick ass warrior/barbarian from the North, who fell for a Queen of the South(think there was mutual lust there, but I kidnapped her anyways!! ;)) and her husband, King Soloth(who in real time was actually her brother, don't ask me what they did in the royal bed chambers!! ;) ) put a bounty on Rhak's head that actually was still alive and well in game the last time I checked in like 2007!! ~LOL~.
Good times and pfffft on whether it's the adult thing to do, whatever keeps you going, is good. Mine is coke and hookers!! ;)
Rated.
Cartouche: Feel free to borrow "wtfpwn" any time you like, just don't be like me and use it in places where people have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Places like Open Salon. I learned my lesson the hard way after I got an epic quantity of emails from people asking me "what is 'wtfpwn'?" Urbandictionary got many hits that day.
Not sure if it is the root of all social decay, but I do believe some of that isolation points to the greater rudeness with which we treat adversaries. Not having to look them in the eye to call'em an asshole makes it easier to call'em an asshole rather than gently cough and say something along the lines of "With all due respect, I think your opinion here, is a little off base." Which, as we all now, is just WASP for, "You're an asshole."
Hi Owl. Thanks for stopping by. I really enjoy reading your stuff so it's nice to see you here :)
Gwool: I totally get the debating political issues on forums thing. I remember that being a Really, Really popular thing to do when the internet was just getting started (I just made myself sound old). People would post in BBS forums and they would get UGLY. All these never-ending threads on abortion, gay rights, evolution -- ugh. WoW is kind of like that, except we argue with swords and spells and not words. Makes for better graphics ;-)
Bonnie: Thanks for the hope bump. We all could use some more of that.
Are you saying there are different classes of writers on OS, just like there are different classes of characters in Wow?
Lets explore that idea.
Here are the classes in wow:
Hunters
Warriors
Paladins
Priests
Druids
Mages
Warlocks
Hunters
Rogues
Shamans
(And Death Knights, but we don't count them because they suck)
The main thing you need to know is that there are three essential roles that each class fills when attacking a big scary monster. Those are:
-Tanks: Monsters like to beat on this guy a lot because he can take it. True, tanks don't damage hard, but just try to outlast one. With their heavy armor they're virtually indestructible. They will keep going and going and going.
- Damage: These guys don't live nearly as long as tanks, but with their arrows, fire, knives, swords, maces, ice, guns, demons, etc. they can burn you down really really fast. You don't want to get in the way of one.
- Healers: Pretty self explanatory. If you're getting attacked, these guys are there to bandage you up.
So, if we apply that to OS I guess you could say we have tank writers, damage writers, and healer writers.
Tank writers are those guys that will say something either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid, get everyone's ire up so they want to attack the guy, and then that writer will sit for days and days and days on OS and defend their post until you just give up out of frustration realizing there is no way in hell you can destroy them.
Damage Writers are those writers that will take on a certain issue or person, like, say, Teabaggers or Sarah Palin, and attack it so fast and furiously until there's nothing left but a pile of rubble. They just have the mad skillz when it comes to destroying things quickly with their wit and insight.
Healers: That's easy. Every wonderful poet and fiction writer we are so lucky to have here at OS. When we're getting beat down, we look to them to mend us.
So there you have it, my incredibly dorky OS/Wow comparison.
And I hear ya, 72 days 13 hours 32 minutes here.
And the politics forums are in WoW..it's called Trade chat. ;)
Now I'm dyin' to get home, put the headphones on, launch Vent, start up WoW & try to finally down Lord Marrowgar in ICC 25. Five turns have been epic fails, with about a million wipes but tonight's the night!
Thanks for the post. Us gamers need some representation around here.