I know, I know -- it's been forever, OS Friends. Sorry.

Send your letters of thanks to Constance McMillen, Nike, and the Michigan Militia for dragging me all kicking and screaming out of my She-Cave where I have been wallowing in solipsistic self-pity for the past several weeks. I can only tolerate so much torment before I must venture out, squinting, into the piercing light of day to roar at stupid.

So I'm back (for now), and I brought my freshly charged eletroshock0-cattleprod gun with fancy taser attachment along with me. And words. So let's get down to business, shall we?

 Tiger

 Dear Nike,

Tell us, when will your Reign of Tyranny over the brown people end?

Today, Ol' Massa Nike has taken to public whippings as a new form of humiliation. I suppose it's not entirely without justification. After all, you know what they say: Give a negro and inch, an he'll take an ell, remember? It's just not good for the Nike brand to have Tiger running around, all sex-addict-like, poking random white women willy nilly. Plus, we're selling golf apparel here, folks -- white people take this very seriously. Corporate profits are at stake; fingers must be wagged.

It reminds me of those narratives I used to read in lit class about when rich southern white dudes would order one slave to whip the other, except we know now that Nike is no longer into that, or so they say. This commercial format is even better because Tiger's Dad is dead so he can do the whipping for free. Not that Nike would have adequately compensated a live brown person to do it anyway. We all know that in today's world, Nike doesn't seem to like to pay the brown people full compensation unless it's pressured to -- unless that person is Tiger Woods, who apparently thinks money is so much better than salvaging any remainder of dignity.

I'm pretty sure that's "what his thinking was," Earl. 

Now get back in the damned coffin, Old Dead Guy. Your ghost voice is scaring the children.

Constance

 Why can't lesbians today just quietly labor in the field like Lesbians of Days Past?

Speaking of segregation: For the LOVE OF BABY JESUS H. CHRIST can we all just please stop humiliating this poor lesbian child? 

Everyone. Just. Stop.

I don't know if you heard about it, but when the news broke earlier this week that trashy hillbilly teenagers decided to get all er, trashed, and go behind classmate Constance "Lesbo Card" McMillen and make illegitimate babies at a secret prom instead of a school ordained one the gays nearly exploded the internets into oblivion with their righteous anger. Then the straight people smelled the smoke and they joined in, and basically all of Facebook was a giant, flaming brush fire earlier this week. It's still smoking.

Facebook profiles of prom-go-ers were posted to burn in effigy or something and millions of angry pm's were fired off to make children nobody knows cry -- even though Constance said "Stop! Please don't, you're just making it worse!"  Her supporters were all "FU, Constance whatever-your- last-name-is! We know what's best: you're just a lesbian child. Stop ruining this opportunity to self-righteously hate complete strangers on the internets."

And, of course, internet trolls of all teabaggin' varieties came out from under their bridges/trailer parks in support of these zombie children of segregation days and they ordered me and others to "lick their balls" in forums. It was not pretty.

But you've probably already heard about it. I'm sure a million gays started writing about it on OS the very next day, and they all became touching EP retrospectives, so why are you even bothering to read this from a straight woman's point-of-view? I'm only writing about it because I hate proms because I couldn't get a decent date for mine so I stole my best friend's date and I just wanted to remind myself about it again because we don't talk anymore because she's a teabagger who unfriended me on Facebook. So there.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Sign this petition to tell the adults in charge how much they suck.  Constance is cool with it I hear.

Teabaggers and the Michigan Militia:

Read my profile and weep (on my behalf).

I'm from Michigan, people.

Yes, I am unemployed, but no, I am not part of a radical Christian militia, regardless of what "the mainstream liberal media" would have you believe about all white people from Michigan apparently. But I can and will kick your ass if provoked, which is something the Hutaree tries to do when they haven't even been provoked and fail at it anyway.  

What I do like to do when not wallowing in my own self-pity is hang around the abundance of Republican wingnuts on my side of town and laugh and throw rocks at them (also known as "words"). It's an immediate pick-me-up in a way similar to an enema, I imagine.

And speaking of things that come out the backdoor, look what I'll be attending this Saturday: Food! Family! Fun! Semi-Automatic Pistols! Don't be alarmed, enlightened coastal state people. The militia is just trying to show its mainstream side. Over tea and bullets. And children's shooting events. Baby, you know how we do:

 I swear to God they plan this shit just to bait me.