Oh fear not, my friends. They are securely holstered at this present moment in their over-the-shoulder-earthquake-prevention  holder. However, this week I'm going on a cruise, and there is no telling what might happen once I and the rest of my vacationing sisterhood tie on the 'ol bikini tops. Any form of natural disaster may befall the innocents: a tsunami, maybe a hurricane, a deathly vortex 'o' death, perhaps? It could happen. Us womenfolk fucked up the Garden of Eden just because we loved us some tasty knowledge fruit. You don't want to know what we're capable of loaded up on a few strawberry daiquiris with second rate calypso band on deck. Seriously, you don't even want to know.

So now, I find myself questioning the choice of a bikini top. Perhaps a tank-ini would help mitigate the damage somewhat. At any rate, it seriously got me thinking about the superpowers I never knew secretly resided in my super tits. Here I thought they were just mammaries, and it was a peaceful co-existence, truth be told -- until I realized they were capable of destroying Earth.

The stacked and not-so-much among us owe this new discovery to self-professed liberalgeeknerdfeministathiest pervert Jen McCreight and science. When news first broke that some dumbfuck cleric from Dumbfuckistan or wherever voiced his dubious theorem that female immodesty actually CAUSED FRIGGIN' EARTHQUAKES, YO (paraphrasing) the rest of the world was like, "Whatever, man, boobs still rule, Muslim clerics drool."

But McCreight wasn't satisfied with that reckless response. She is a scientist and is all about "the science" behind things like boobs and earthquakes when she's not scrambling to watch House apparently. She demanded hard evidence. Having none presented to her by said cleric, she did as any decent scientist would do and conducted her own damned boob experiment, you know, for science -- and jokes. The whole thing started as a joke, or so she says, because there's a serious shortage of boob jokes in this world to be certain.

Anyway, McCreight didn't even need beakers, or Bunsen burners, or goggles (well maybe goggles would have been a good idea least one lose an eye or two), or lab coats, or any of that shit. All she needed was a really tight cami and Facebook, so she could rally every pair of boobies she could find and start jiggling/experimenting, and from coast to coast women by the thousands were all "Yay this feminism thing is fun!" and awkwardboners.com suddenly got a year's worth of posts in one day probably.

Of course, because it was all about the boobies, she got her six minutes of fame along with it. Not since Stephen Hawking has the press given this much attention to a scientist's body issues. Ok, so maybe right now Hawking is a bit more famous and slightly more genius, but McCreight is a scientist who has one thing Hawking doesn't have, besides the ability to walk and talk sans synthesizer voice and chew. She has giant boobs and a whole giant boob army, so suck it, Hawking.

Bring it, CNN:

So today all the thousands of born-again feminists who previously thought feminism was for lesbians or straight women who can't get dates were suddenly all of one voice that said something like "Hey, Patriarchy -- we're jiggling our tits in your face whether you like it or not because we're feminists now," and Patriarchy was all, "Okay. Lemme get my camera."

And then the most amazing, awful thing happened:

Taiwan had a 6.9ish magnitude earthquake. On Boobquake Day.

Way to go, feminists, for nearly destroying Taiwan. 

McCreight, who you would think would feel like total shit right now for causing mass destruction in her pursuit of science and pissing off a Muslim cleric, just said to keep it going. Who really cares about Taiwain anyway when feminism is at stake? She had this to say on her Twitter account, according to yesterday's New York Post:

"On avg, 134 magnitude 6-6.9 earthquakes occur annually. If we get many of a similar magnitude in the next 24 hours, we might start worshipping the power of immodesty." 

Well, while McCreight and her dangerous band of boob slapping born-again feminazis decide whether or not they want to stop leveling major world cities, I'm going to go out first thing tomorrow to purchase one of these for every woman on board my cruise because I'm not taking any chances: